Hi, I have been reading these threads over the past 2 weeks hoping that I wouldnt need to post about my own miscarriage. I have read so many blogs and threads that gave me hope that maybe I would get a miracle too. Maybe my Ultrasound tech missed something, maybe my decreasing hcg levels were because if a vanishing twin, or maybe that If i get some Progesterone from Canada i could save my baby. And Im a medical professional. I think I knew in my heart what was happening but didnt want to accept it. I was about 6 weeks when I started bleeding. Not alot, maybe 2 or 3 pads worth a day. So i got checked out and got a TVUS that showed an empty gestational sac. Everything was so clinical...dont know why I was so surprised but it was surreal being on the other side of medicine, being a patient. The PA told me to come back in a week and that there was no conclusive evidence saying that I miscarried. They drew labs and my initial hcg was 19000. And that started the longest week of my life waiting for the next TVUS to see if a baby showed up. I am a nurse and every time I went to work that week I cried. I cried in my car. I cried at home. I cried for what I knew was happening but didnt want to accept. I called a few days after my second set of labs to see if my hcg had doubled like it was supposed to and it actually decreased to 7000. My progesterone was 4.8. (Your supposed to be in the double digits ) And still I had hope...maybe God was testing me. I waited 4 more days for Ultrasoubd and the morning I was supposed to be at the office at 8:30am, my patient coded. So i couldnt leave the hospital until after 9am. Luckily I was able to get the ultrasound but unluckily there was no more pregnancy. Everything was gone. Like nothing had ever been there before. The saddest part to me was that I had loved something so much and it was like it was never there to begin with. I never got to see a heartbeat or outline of belly or nothing! People kept throwing around the word "blighted ovum" as if nothing were formed but I KNOW she (We had already named her Taylor because we thought it would be a girl) was there. I can accept the fact that it just wasnt meant to be, maybe something was wrong or deformed, not enough or too many chromosomes. My mind is ok, i think. My mind accepts the clinical reasons a miscarriage can happen. But my hopes, and dreams, and heart are broken. They dont understand. All they know is that whats gone aint returning and we never got to say hello or goodbye.
Part of my reason for posting is that I am trying to get into counseling but its tough with it being the holidays. If you have a supportive word or anything ( remark, question, poem) I would greatly appreciate it
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
All Cried Out
AngelHeart2016 · 20/12/2016 23:29
I'm so so sorry for your loss 
Its gut wrenching, keeping that (impossible) hope alive, waiting for the inevitable results.
It's very surreal too being on the other side of the medical fence when you are at your most vulnerable isn't it.
Please allow yourself to grieve as you need.
Please bear with the people that try and helpfully comment 'oh well, at least you know you can get pregnant' they mean no harm, although they may as well punch you in the face.
I think Taylor is a lovely name.
I remember someone sending me this quote after one of my losses.
Be gentle with yourself xx
I am so sorry angel.
Nothing I say will help, you are not alone in this, we are here too. There are loads of ladies currently on the boards going through this with you. I find it oddly comforting to know that I am not alone, that I am not the only person for whom Christmas or the week before Christmas will always be tinged with sadness no matter what happens for us with future pregnancies.
I read your post and recognised so much of my own behaviour (I was trying to figure out if i could get progesterone from Spain)! I am truly sorry for you, it is really the shittest thing.
Be kind to yourself, don't push yourself to hard. Counselling sounds good, I think I may seek some out myself. I just feel like I am under a cloud of badness at the moment, I can't focus on anything and am angry at the world.
Anyway - all the best to you. 
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