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All Cried Out

(14 Posts)
AngelHeart2016 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:29:57

Hi, I have been reading these threads over the past 2 weeks hoping that I wouldnt need to post about my own miscarriage. I have read so many blogs and threads that gave me hope that maybe I would get a miracle too. Maybe my Ultrasound tech missed something, maybe my decreasing hcg levels were because if a vanishing twin, or maybe that If i get some Progesterone from Canada i could save my baby. And Im a medical professional. I think I knew in my heart what was happening but didnt want to accept it. I was about 6 weeks when I started bleeding. Not alot, maybe 2 or 3 pads worth a day. So i got checked out and got a TVUS that showed an empty gestational sac. Everything was so clinical...dont know why I was so surprised but it was surreal being on the other side of medicine, being a patient. The PA told me to come back in a week and that there was no conclusive evidence saying that I miscarried. They drew labs and my initial hcg was 19000. And that started the longest week of my life waiting for the next TVUS to see if a baby showed up. I am a nurse and every time I went to work that week I cried. I cried in my car. I cried at home. I cried for what I knew was happening but didnt want to accept. I called a few days after my second set of labs to see if my hcg had doubled like it was supposed to and it actually decreased to 7000. My progesterone was 4.8. (Your supposed to be in the double digits ) And still I had hope...maybe God was testing me. I waited 4 more days for Ultrasoubd and the morning I was supposed to be at the office at 8:30am, my patient coded. So i couldnt leave the hospital until after 9am. Luckily I was able to get the ultrasound but unluckily there was no more pregnancy. Everything was gone. Like nothing had ever been there before. The saddest part to me was that I had loved something so much and it was like it was never there to begin with. I never got to see a heartbeat or outline of belly or nothing! People kept throwing around the word "blighted ovum" as if nothing were formed but I KNOW she (We had already named her Taylor because we thought it would be a girl) was there. I can accept the fact that it just wasnt meant to be, maybe something was wrong or deformed, not enough or too many chromosomes. My mind is ok, i think. My mind accepts the clinical reasons a miscarriage can happen. But my hopes, and dreams, and heart are broken. They dont understand. All they know is that whats gone aint returning and we never got to say hello or goodbye.
Part of my reason for posting is that I am trying to get into counseling but its tough with it being the holidays. If you have a supportive word or anything ( remark, question, poem) I would greatly appreciate it

FeralBeryl Wed 21-Dec-16 00:11:28

I'm so so sorry for your loss sad
Its gut wrenching, keeping that (impossible) hope alive, waiting for the inevitable results.
It's very surreal too being on the other side of the medical fence when you are at your most vulnerable isn't it.
Please allow yourself to grieve as you need.
Please bear with the people that try and helpfully comment 'oh well, at least you know you can get pregnant' they mean no harm, although they may as well punch you in the face.

I think Taylor is a lovely name.
I remember someone sending me this quote after one of my losses.

Be gentle with yourself xx

Miami81 Wed 21-Dec-16 00:19:36

I am so sorry angel.
Nothing I say will help, you are not alone in this, we are here too. There are loads of ladies currently on the boards going through this with you. I find it oddly comforting to know that I am not alone, that I am not the only person for whom Christmas or the week before Christmas will always be tinged with sadness no matter what happens for us with future pregnancies.
I read your post and recognised so much of my own behaviour (I was trying to figure out if i could get progesterone from Spain)! I am truly sorry for you, it is really the shittest thing.
Be kind to yourself, don't push yourself to hard. Counselling sounds good, I think I may seek some out myself. I just feel like I am under a cloud of badness at the moment, I can't focus on anything and am angry at the world.
Anyway - all the best to you. flowers

AngelHeart2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 00:22:07

FeralBeryl, thank you so much for responding and for your kind words. Im on bereavement leave for the week and hopefully will get into counseling before the holidays. I really appreciate your words.

AngelHeart2016 Wed 21-Dec-16 00:27:58

Miami81, thank you so much for responding. And I am so sorry for your loss, did your baby have a name? It definitely is comforting to know that your not alone when your sad. People try to help but i have gotten alot of the "God knows what he is doing" "Be thankful for your other kids" which I am thankful (I have twins) and I do believe in God but I am just still so sad. Im pretty good at putting up a good face for people but sometimes I just dont want to. Like now...

Miami81 Wed 21-Dec-16 07:13:02

We have had two miscarriages at around 8/9wks. We hadn't named the babies yet and I don't think we will, we had little nicknames for them and I think we will just keep those in our hearts.
People try to say nice kind things, for me I have gotten a lot of 'at least you know you can get pregnant', but given that I haven't managed to get passed 9wks I don't feel that is any comfort and it is driving me mad when people say it!
I haven't been able to put on a good face at all this time, which I felt bad about, but then yesterday i just got so angry and was like, why should i make other people comfortable by putting a brace face on it. I am in agony emotionally, i can barely scrape myself together to get dressed in the morning and yet I was worried about other people. So I have decided not to apologise for my emotions anymore over the next while, they are raw and they are just going to be raw, other people will just have to cope.
Please mind yourself, give your twins extra big cuddles and take comfort in them, I am sure it doesn't lessen the pain, but hopefully provides you with hope. All the best.

Angiemarie Fri 27-Jan-17 23:15:23

I've been searching high and low on somewhere to find help with coping with my miscarriage in August. I lost my baby at 9 weeks with no signs what so eversad I found out really early which i guess didn't help but my baby was so loved and wanted from start to finish.
Me and my other half have found we are struggling to get over the lose of our baby, that much so we keep arguing over stupid things. Anyway, we found out last week that my other half's younger brother is expecting a baby with his girlfriend. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I find myself not being able to go round my other half's house in case she is there (stupid i know) she's about 9 weeks gone so far and having all the midwife appointments and her first scan next week. I should be over the moon that in going to be an aunt but im just not. I feel like ive let my mother in law down on being a nan, that she's now going to hate me and love my partners girlfriend more because she can give her a grandchild and i failed too. Am i being Stupid?? How do i face his family and the new baby when it comes, i can't even go round and be in the same room incase she starts talking about the baby ( she's going too because its her first and she's proud) but i get so upset. I feel like when the gender of the baby is revealed its going to be the worst day of my life. I really wanted to be the first one to give both sides of our families a little girl and if she has the little girl then it won't matter what i have in the future. I really am being stupid but i cant help it, will all this pass in time?

AngelHeart2016 Fri 27-Jan-17 23:51:30

@Angiemarie my heart really goes out to you and I am really sorry that your baby missed you in this life. I kniw the EXACT feeling of loving that little bundle of joy sooooo much and then having that dream taken away suddenly. Its heartbreaking and you wont ever "get over it" but you will learn to cope with your baby's passing with time and healthy coping mechanisms. I am personally in counseling and it has helped me alot to have the undivided attention of someone who is 100% dedicated to listening and trying to understand me. Me and my child's would have neen father actually broke up, didnt speak for over a month and are just now trying to communicate again. He is heartbroken. And so was I. PLEASE donr shir each other out because you really need the support from EACH OTHER. People will try and comfort you but its not the same as having the person that created the life with you, crying with you and holding you. Thats really all I needed to help me cope but I acted out and pushed him away, expecting him to chase me and hold me (I know, sounds like a movie but im a hopeless romantic) but what ended up happening is that I pushed too far and he shut down. Both of you guys are emotionally fragile so just remember to be there for each other. I still grieve the loss of my baby and everytime I see someobne who is pregnant I get so jealous and that longing feeling is unbearable sometimes. Just be strong and continue to try and get pregnant again when you are healthy. I am hoping that me and my ex will work through this and try again like we had before. Best wishes too you and know that I know how you feel and the hurr is shared. Take care of yourself

Angiemarie Fri 27-Jan-17 23:59:46

@angelheart2016 its such a horrible feeling isnt it. Why us? Why our little angels.. The world is truly cruel sometimes.
I hope you and your partner work it out and manage to help each other soon. I some how don't see that happening for me and my partner as all we do is argue. We avoid talking about it face to face and the fact he wasnt able to be there when it happened makes it worse. To the point he has said he never wants any children now, heart breaking to hear does that mean he regrets our first baby all because i failed to carry to full term? Heartbreaking

AngelHeart2016 Sat 28-Jan-17 00:00:52

Sorry for the typos***😑

AngelHeart2016 Sat 28-Jan-17 00:08:40

I dont think your partner truly means he doesnt want to ha e another baby with you. You guus were both probably angry. I told my ex that I blamed him for my miscarriage and that really hurt him. Dont fight with each other because you both really do need each other and these arguments and hurtful remarks are really just you both crying out for help. I have been there. I swore up and down that I would move on and forget my ex and he was such a horrible guy but now that time has passed I realize that i was sooo emotional and even though I felt i meant what I said at the time, it was all hormones and emotions. If you created a child together that you were both happy about them you obviously love each other. Losing a child is prob the worst thing to happen to anyone and even though our babies were in the making we still suffered a huge loss. Dont take out tour anger on others. Be happy for your new niece/nephew. You never know the reason why your baby was taken to heaven so early, it could have been to save he or she, or even you, grom something more terrible if he/she had lived. I tell myself, with so many of the horribke things in this world that happen, if I had a choice to give my baby to God in heaven or have he/she here and suffer some great tradgedy down the road then the mother in me would probably given him/her to God. The hard thing is, is that we will mever know why. I jope this helps you

AngelHeart2016 Sat 28-Jan-17 00:13:18

Omg, the typos 😬 lol (sorry)

Angiemarie Sat 28-Jan-17 00:15:16

@angelheart2016 that is very true. Im normally a very strong believer in everything happens for a reason but this time i just gave up on that. Your words are very true, thank you for taking time to message back and i hope you and your partner have a healthy future together

AngelHeart2016 Sat 28-Jan-17 00:18:32

Thank you @Angiemarie and I wish the same for you too. Sending lots of Love XOXOXO 💙💙💙

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