Self Destruct after MMC

[Helpmeonthisone101]

Anyone else hear me? Months later and still going through the mills. I feel like hitting self destruct. I see my relationship with DP pointless, my (well paid and brilliant) job shit and genuinely everything else shit too!

I feel as if I've kept too much in and it's all going to come spilling out. Nobody knows I feel this way. I still smile and put on my big fake act for DS. I wish I was good enough for him, my heart just melts with pride and I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful child. I'm now taken over with anxiety about things happening to him!

[Wibblewobble100]

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. An MMC is so hard. Have you considered conselling or had any professional support? I'm afraid I don't know exactly where to point you, the miscarriage association perhaps? I think my local EPU had the same of some one local too. I'm sure someone with better advise will be aLong soon but didn't want to read and run.

[Helpmeonthisone101]

I'm going to go to the GP tomorrow and hopefully I get a referral. Or at least some form of medication to stop me feeling this way! I feel as if I've lost all sense of myself. I want to return to normal, I want to TTC and I just want to feel better. Don't even know what I would class as "normal" for myself anymore. I'm usually such an upbeat and lively person. Doubt I'll ever be that way again! My body still feels alien to me . Thank you so much for listening to my shit

[Sallycinnamon17]

Hi OP, I've no advice really to say that could help you as I'm feeling the exact same myself, especially as this time last year I'd just found out I was pregnant and was as happy as ever. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone and they're plenty of people out there who can offer from help and advice, please don't suffer alone.

[Helpmeonthisone101]

Sorry to hear you're enduring this too sally. When does it actually end? I think I've reached a point where I realise I can no longer go on pretending I'm ok. I just want to be miserable for a bit and to try and release this. Nobody thinks it should bother me anymore. Honest to god, how the hell are you meant to be ok so soon after having your baby ripped away?

[monkeytree]

Yes I can relate, I'm so sorry you find yourself going through the mill, it is the worst thing that had ever happened to me. A year of Counselling helped (but you do need to find a good counsellor). I'm also on and off ad's (I'm nearly two years down the line). I have two dc's but there's little chance of a third now; could be making things worse as I was desperate ttc but now almost giving up/feeling enough is enough. I spend time on this board to not feel so alone. I have used writing as a way of expression and have plans to use this further. I'm also working on a project to help others facing infertility etc.i have accepted I will never be the same so grateful for small things etc now and don't expect myself to be happy, just glad when I have these moments. I have become a bit withdrawn but I am more certain/choosy whose company I want to keep. I am no longer on Facebook so don't get the joy of birth announcements etc. My loss also instigated some estrangements from family who had very negative impact on my life. I have changed for the better and perhaps for the worse too (more bitter, negative) I know this is about me but wanted you to know you are not alone X

[Helpmeonthisone101]

Thank you so much for your reply monkey. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through too. You have no idea how much I can relate to everything you are saying. I have been exactly the same, I've cut off so many people who had the same affect on my life. I can see positive changes from doing this, but still can't feel positive about it. I feel as if a part of me has died and I would love her to come back. It may be some point down the line I manage to accept that she won't be. Thank you so much x

[monkeytree]

That's o.k help, please feel free to pm me at any time. No you are not meant to be O.K and don't let anyone persuade/tell you otherwise; that's just brushing it all aside and it's not something you can brush aside. Time does change things a bit; less raw and probably more acceptance but I don't think it's something you ever get over, you just try to live with it somehow. Yes feeling like a part of you as died sums it up well. I find that people who have experienced a loss like ours (albeit some time ago) don't readily talk about it and I struggle to talk about it with dh - I often think what would my little one being doing now but dh prefers not to think about it that way because he says it makes it worse somehow, so since stopping counselling, I get little chance to talk about it all. That's where writing comes in; just like now, writing here but I've written some hard hitting poetry too. So sorry you're going through all of this, I hope you can find some cold comfort at least from feeling that you are not alone x

[Helpmeonthisone101]

How do you get over not talking about it with your DH? My dp isn't the greatest of communicators and it's beginning to drive me insane as all I want, is to be able to talk to him. He shows me loves me in so many other ways but it just doesn't feel enough. God I feel bloody shit. I really don't know where to go from here.