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Miscarriage and coping with loss

(9 Posts)
Tink3939 Sat 17-Dec-16 22:04:09

Hi, I'm new to posting and don't really know what I'm doing!
Tuesday 6th December I had a private scan in Mothercare as had bleeding from the Monday night and couldn't get a scan til the Thursday on the NHS- I knew immediately something wasn't right, I was 9 weeks pregnant. I had the scan confirm there was no foetal heart beat and development had stopped at 6 and a half weeks, we were devastated. The following day I was rushed into A and E as I had horrendous pains and bleeding. I had no advice that it would be like going through labour but without the baby at the end, it was so sad and exhausting. Why is early miscarriage so undiscussed? My midwife didn't have any experience of it so couldn't advise me but helped with getting painkillers for me from my GP (before I was rushed into hospital). I was let home that evening physically and emotionally drained with huge painkillers as not even the morphene had helped in hospital.
I don't want to get into too much detail but as I don't have anything from the baby and didn't even know the sex (this in itself I find hard) I feel I need something to keep them with me, if that makes sense.....they already had a nickname but that was it as it was early on. Does anyone else feel like this?
I have been thinking of planting a tree in summer on their due date.....
I have my better days and bad days and I treat one day at a time as can't cope further than this. I already have identical twin boys and I was so looking forward to them being big brother's. Me and my hubby had already made so many plans and I hate that they were taken away from us.....
I'm 41 and felt this was my last chance and now I've lost it...I don't think my hubby will let me go through it again as it was so horrendous for both of us.....
Anyone feel the same?

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave Sat 17-Dec-16 22:47:57

I can't really answer any of your questions but wanted to offer you flowers

Tink3939 Sat 17-Dec-16 23:06:57

Thanks **AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave

emily86 Sun 18-Dec-16 01:18:35

Hi Tink

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sucks. flowers

Secondly, yes, I totally get where your coming from with feeling like you need something to keep them with you. I had medical management for my 3rd miscarriage on the 6th of December. I really hoped I'd never get to a 3rd one but sadly I did. For some time before this miscarriage I had been thinking of getting a tattoo of 2 swallows to mark my miscarriages. Now I've decided I definitely want to do it but sadly it will be 3 swallows.

I guess what I wanted to say was do whatever you need to do. Take as long as you need to take. Things will get better with time, although maybe never quite back to how they were before.

Tink3939 Sun 18-Dec-16 08:59:07

Hey Emily,

Thanks for replying to my post, I was feeling quite alone tbh. I'm so sorry for your losses too, I can't begin to imagine how you cope and think you're truly brave.
I hope you won't be offended but how do you find the courage to try again?

I think the tattoo is a good idea, I'm not sure what I need to do right now but hopefully over time it will become clearer....

I found my bounty form yesterday and it broke me again....I think I'm managing and then something happens and I fall apart. I'm dreading the 29th as I was due my 12 week scan, how do you cope with it? Any advice? I'm also worried about the due date and how to cope?

It's the little things they were going to be a summer baby and we don't have any summer birthdays in our family...sounds silly really....

Thanks for your kind words, I know time will help, you are so right that things never go back to how they were before as I feel this already but feel guilty about it as I think it's effecting my relationship with my boys slightly but I know it's early days too.

Tink3939 Sun 18-Dec-16 09:01:19


emily86 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:06:39

I keep going because we're not yet ready to give up hope of having our own child, and therefore I don't really have an option. We've been TTC our first for just over 2 years now. Most months in the 2ww I think I can't do this anymore but then AF comes, I dust myself down and try again.

Various dates are difficult. I try to busy myself and not dwell on them too much. I've never got as far as seeing the midwife for a booking appointment or have a date for a 12 week scan. Every so often I'll catch myself thinking I should have a baby this age by now or something similar and have a little sad moment to myself. I think that is normal. On other threads I'm on there's been lots of ladies who like to have the day off and do something in remembrance that day which they've found helpful.

After my first miscarriage I kept setting myself lots of goals like I want to be pregnant again by my due date, then it changed to being pregnant again by the time my friend gave birth, so on and so on. As one haa so little control over it I was inevitably setting myself up to fail. Over time I have managed to stop doing it as it wasn't helpful.

Now I mainly just feel very tired of the whole thing. But it is only just over 2 weeks after my last miscarriage. I'm hoping that once we've been to the recurrent miscarriage clinic we'll be ready to dust ourselves down and try again.

Tink3939 Sun 18-Dec-16 18:30:33

My heart really does go out to you and I hope it happens for you Emily.

I can't remember the last time I felt this tired either, I'd nap in the day if I had the chance at the moment! I think we have to be kind to ourselves as it is early days and build our strength back up too both emotionally and physically.

I understand about the sad moments too and it seems everywhere I go someone is pregnant or has a newborn but I guess I'm just super sensitive to it all right now and hope it eases. I'm starting to think that the only hope is to try again but I think my husband feels differently right now. I also feel under pressure because of my age to make a decision.

Take care xx

emily86 Mon 19-Dec-16 22:13:15

Thanks Tinks. I wish you all the best too. Make sure you take time for yourself.

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