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11+3 MMC... just need to vent really

(8 Posts)
123456kent Thu 24-Nov-16 23:01:32

This only happened on Monday. The foetus had stopped growing at 6 weeks, how I didn't know about it for 5 weeks I don't know. Seems like a sick joke. I felt so 'pregnant'.
I know from past experiences I always try and rush myself to be over something far too soon, kick myself that I'm not ok within an unrealistic amount of time, and then end up taking perhaps a longer than "normal" time to move on.
I'm scared I won't be Ok. I felt fragile before this, after some other traumas in the past 18 months, unrelated to pregnancy. I can't bear the sadness already. I want to not be carrying this grief around with me anymore. But I can see this is ridiculously early on. It was only 3 days ago I went through the most physically traumatic experience of my life, the hours that followed the pessary were just awful. I had no idea a miscarriage was so.... violent, for want of a better word.
Does anyone have any words/advice about when I will starting feeling ok again? I feel like the spark has totally gone out in me and I have no idea when it will be back.
My boyfriend is wonderful, my parents too, and my friends are so amazingly supportive, but they have all either given birth in recent months, or are about to give birth in the next few weeks. Mine would have been the 7th baby in the group in the space of a year. I can't face seeing the friends at the moment.
I am also already obsessing about getting pregnant again even though this was a very unplanned, accidental pregnancy. It turns out I've never wanted anything more. Luckily my boyfriend could not be more on board with that plan.
What I would give to feel that horrendous morning sickness I felt up until 10 weeks right now!
I'm 31, and hope so much this isn't the first and last time I experience pregnancy...

barkingtreefrog Thu 24-Nov-16 23:07:33

I won't lie, it takes time. Remember that your hormones are currently all over the place and will be making all your emotions seem far worse anyway.
If you need to avoid pregnant friends and babies for a while then do, don't let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn't do and how to grieve, do whatever works for you. And be kind to yourself, it's a horrible, horrible time.
MC is so horribly common there is absolutely no reason to believe you won't get pregnant again and carry a healthy baby flowers.

123456kent Thu 24-Nov-16 23:20:44

Thank you xx

LottieL Thu 24-Nov-16 23:27:07

You have to remember that when you do get pregnant again it's a totally new pregnancy, don't dwell.

As was said before it takes time, you have to go through this whirlwind of different emotions to come out of the other side, it's grief after all. The pain doesn't ever go away in my experience but it lessens to a manageable level and at that point you start to get yourself back again.
Don't rush and above all else take care of yourself, you have been through a massive trauma, be kind to yourself and take it easy. There's no words that will make this go away for you - I wish there were - but you're in my thoughts. I know exactly how you feel x

katand2kits Thu 24-Nov-16 23:32:15

i'm sorry for your loss. I've been where you are - my first pregnancy was also unplanned and also ended up in a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks. It was a horribly hard time, but for us, there was a silver lining as we realised how much we had wanted the baby we lost. My second pregnancy also ended in miscarriage (had the pessary too that time). I have two wonderful children now, it all worked out in the end. The scars of your loss will stay with you, of course, but you will feel better soon enough. Be patient and kind to yourself, it will take time and you need to feel sad, and perhaps even angry, right now. Let yourself feel what you feel. It is doubly hard when everyone around you seems to be having babies. Do what you need to do for yourself at this time.

Anna1124 Fri 25-Nov-16 10:47:26

So sorry for your loss. I find it quite helpful focusing on getting healthy so that we can try again. Maybe you can try to turn your pregnancy obsession into getting yourself healthy again body and mind wise.

My MC happened before my first scan and so only our parents knew my pregnancy. Even though they were very supportive, I just couldn’t see or talk to anyone else but my DH for the first week or so. Thought I would burst out crying and also somehow felt very embarrassed. None of our friends knew of my pregnancy and MC, and we might tell only very few later on. Personally I find this better, as I don’t have to relive the experience again and again. Don’t feel rude not responding or seeing people while you grieve if that’s what you want.

123456kent Fri 25-Nov-16 13:43:48

Thank you for your words everyone.
My best friend gave birth this morning. Not sure what to do, had plans to visit in hospital, that is not happening as I am back in work anyway and no one would expect me to go back to that hospital after this week, but I should really see them tonight when they are home. It feels horribly selfish not to.
I feel very alone. I only want to spend time with OH because I have no friends without giant bumps or newborns. But OH is now away for a few days.
I'm angry today. I can already feel that this MC is making me into someone I don't want to be, bitter and self pitying.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Sorry for your losses also. Xxx

Endmoor1405 Fri 25-Nov-16 17:11:31

Oh OP I didn't want to read and run. I was exactly where you are in July. Started bleeding around 11 weeks and confirmed it as a miscarriage just before 12. Surrounded by newborns and pregnant women and I totally understand where you are coming from not being comfortable being around them.

If it helps at all I had the same feelings- that my MMC had turned me into a horrible person and that I didn't ever want to be near pregnant women or new babies again. I can't say those feelings have gone, but they are a lot less constant now. Certain things I know will set it off and other times it's for no reason, but sometimes I feel ok and I'm letting myself enjoy the ok times now. For what it's worth I have spoken these feelings out loud to several people and not once has anyone said anything but that it's OK and they understand that it might not be easy for a long time (well ok once, but I no longer speak to the insensitive cow now- best friends for you!!). No one has forced me to do anything I didn't want to and no one has judged me for not wanting to go somewhere or do something and often not giving a reason. I felt a lot like I was using it as an excuse- or that people would think that. But I think I've started to realise that it's not an excuse used to evoke sympathy from people, it's a perfectly valid reason for not wanting to go somewhere, even at short notice.

Be kind to yourself OP, give your OH big cuddles and allow yourselves chance to grieve. It's hard, really hard. I won't lie and say it gets easier, I think you just learn how to get on with it a little better. But I promise that sometimes the fog lifts- even if just for a short time flowers

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