On Friday we went in for a scan not expecting anything particularly bad. We knew our daughter had one textbook club foot, one mild one and there was something going on with one hand. But as my bloods hadn't indicated any issues and everything else about her was great, the consultant had said she thought it was a mild case of amniotic loop syndrome. However on closer inspection a month later (Friday) they said they thought the hands and feet were caused by arthogryposis and that they couldn't see her stomach which implied she wasn't drinking, worst of all her chest muscles haven't developed properly so she won't be able to breathe outside the womb. There is also too much amniotic fluid, which would cause problems if we carried on with the pregnancy.
So we went from a couple of physical defects to non survivable problems. We are booked in today for the injection, with an induction on Wednesday. I don't want her to suffer longer than she needs to and I am trying to maximise my recovery time (I am self employed and only have two remaining projects this year, both week after next, on which I have now handed over 99% of the work to colleagues, meaning I can rest for most of Nov and Dec).
My husband has been amazing. But I am terrified and completely destroyed. I'm quite frightened by the scale of how awful I feel. I'm not having suicidal thoughts exactly but I do feel like I would rather die than keep living through this and while I don't think I would do anything I am quite frightened of being left on my own because I just don't know. I cry all the time. This was my first pregnancy so I have no idea what to expect from being induced and the idea of asking someone to stop my daughters heart is the worst thing in the world, even though I know it is also the right thing. I have always been so proud of that little heart, and have enjoyed listening to it so much.
I don't know what to do with myself. It would be really helpful to hear from anyone who has lived through this process so I have a better idea of what to expect, how to prepare for it and some idea of light at the end of the tunnel.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Tfmr at 25 weeks today
5 replies
Allthequestionsallthetime · 21/11/2016 06:36
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