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Tfmr at 25 weeks today

(6 Posts)
Allthequestionsallthetime Mon 21-Nov-16 06:36:06

On Friday we went in for a scan not expecting anything particularly bad. We knew our daughter had one textbook club foot, one mild one and there was something going on with one hand. But as my bloods hadn't indicated any issues and everything else about her was great, the consultant had said she thought it was a mild case of amniotic loop syndrome. However on closer inspection a month later (Friday) they said they thought the hands and feet were caused by arthogryposis and that they couldn't see her stomach which implied she wasn't drinking, worst of all her chest muscles haven't developed properly so she won't be able to breathe outside the womb. There is also too much amniotic fluid, which would cause problems if we carried on with the pregnancy.

So we went from a couple of physical defects to non survivable problems. We are booked in today for the injection, with an induction on Wednesday. I don't want her to suffer longer than she needs to and I am trying to maximise my recovery time (I am self employed and only have two remaining projects this year, both week after next, on which I have now handed over 99% of the work to colleagues, meaning I can rest for most of Nov and Dec).

My husband has been amazing. But I am terrified and completely destroyed. I'm quite frightened by the scale of how awful I feel. I'm not having suicidal thoughts exactly but I do feel like I would rather die than keep living through this and while I don't think I would do anything I am quite frightened of being left on my own because I just don't know. I cry all the time. This was my first pregnancy so I have no idea what to expect from being induced and the idea of asking someone to stop my daughters heart is the worst thing in the world, even though I know it is also the right thing. I have always been so proud of that little heart, and have enjoyed listening to it so much.

I don't know what to do with myself. It would be really helpful to hear from anyone who has lived through this process so I have a better idea of what to expect, how to prepare for it and some idea of light at the end of the tunnel.

Cantchooseaname Mon 21-Nov-16 06:42:29

Oh all, what a heartbreaking situation. I have never been in your situation, but I wanted to offer sympathy. You sound like an amazing mum- putting your daughter's needs first, doing everything you can to ease her pain, no matter what the cost to you.
My experience of miscarriage brought similar feelings of despair, a black pit inside me. Lean on those who are around you, take care of yourself.

Cantchooseaname Mon 21-Nov-16 15:16:07

Hope you are coping tonight. There will be light again, although it probably doesn't feel like it right now.

DamnCommandments Mon 21-Nov-16 15:21:32

If you need an ear, call ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices - 0207 713 7486)

offbeatgirl Mon 21-Nov-16 18:55:32

OP, I'm so sorry. I had a tfmr in my first pregnancy, but I was only 15 weeks. It's appalling to lose a baby during pregnancy, but there's a particular type of pain to being asked to make a 'choice' about when your baby dies during a wanted pregnancy. I felt for a long time that I had killed my baby, and I kept having to remind myself that I had taken the decision to end the pregnancy only to avoid a late term miscarriage or still birth. Did your hospital provide any support services? Mine has a clinical psychology team, and I met with them for a while after the tfmr to help me come to terms with my decision. Other hospitals I think have bereavement midwives, and arc are also good. It is a bereavement, and it's natural to feel devastated about both the loss of your baby, and being forced to become involved in this.

There are many other women who have first hand experience of tfmrs on the antenatal tests and choices, including women who have had later terminations. You'll find more support there, if it helpsflowers

KittyandTeal Wed 23-Nov-16 15:12:14

I've replied on your other thread lovely.

I hope today has been as painless as possible

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