Tfmr Feeling very sad and alone

[Coi123]

Hello everyone, this is the first time I have posted on this so I hope I'm doing it right. I have chosen to terminate my pregnancy at 16 weeks for medical reasons (trisomy 21 and heart problems) and I am totally and utterly devestated. It wasn't a planned baby as I'm getting married at Christmas but once we had gotten over the shock we were ecstatic. We always wanted children and were going to try after the wedding. I go in tomorrow to take the tablet to start the process then I wait to days and I have to go in to give birth. I'm so scared. Could anyone tell me is it painful and does it feel like labour? Can anyone also give me any advice about how they coped with the process before and after. I suffer from quite extreme anxiety at times but had just got it under control :-(

[MrTiddlestheFatCat]

I didn't want to read and run, but I don't have any real advice to offer unfortunately. My friend had a termination and I was with her- it felt like period cramps, not labour, and was tolerable. They kept her in and gave her painkillers. Hers was an unplanned pregnancy that she felt unable to continue with- for her it was a real sense of relief, but I understand that's not how you may feel. If it helps then there is nobody stopping you from grieving, and I don't think there is an 'acceptable' way to react. I think it is normal to feel empty afterwards, but knowing that you had to do it and it was for the right reasons means that you shouldn't regret it.

Do you have someone to go in with you? Do you have time off work this week?

[Coi123]

Thankyou very much for the reply, your words have given me such comfort. The labour part is almost sending me over the edge so that gives me some reassurance it won't be as bad as I think. I have my mum and fiancé to come with me so at least I am not alone (just alone in my sad thoughts). They have given me a month off work so I have time to recover physically and mentally so that is a positive.

[MrTiddlestheFatCat]

They should also offer counselling services if you want it- often having someone to talk to who is not a relative is such an immense relief, which is probably why you posted on here to begin with. My friend had a very heavy bleed, but it was nothing like labour and she was actually able to doze off at points during the day when we were in the hospital. You have the strength to do it and the strength to recover from it.

Try to look after yourself really well in that month. I prefer to distract myself and would throw myself into my interests- reading, being outdoors, maybe try to write a private diary or blog about my feelings- but there is no right way to spend that month.

I hope that you're doing okay after today. I can be here if you need to talk, but don't feel obliged to come back because I've replied.

[Downbutnotyetout]

I Had a tfmr 2 weeks ago for the same reasons and I just wanted you to know you are not alone. This is one of the shittiest things I think that can happen to someone but you will get through it, slowly, step by step and day by day.
In terms of your question, I had the same procedure. It felt like a bad period to me. If you are in pain then please speak to the medical team as there are many pain relief options they can give you. My medical team were incredible, and I have been treated with the upmost care and support since, I am sure you will have the same experience. I felt a strange sense of relief afterwards, and then the mental struggle begins. Make sure you take advantage of all the support options offered to you. There is a fantastic amount of information at ARC-uk - there is a helpline you can call and a community of people who have had to deal with the same heartbreaking choices as you. You are not alone. It's the worst club in the world to join, but there are many people who have had to do similar.
Sending you massive hugs and wishing you all the strength for the coming days and weeks xxx

[Piercy]

Hello, saw your post and I go in tomorrow for the tablet and have the same fears as you, my little one has trisomy 18. Most difficult thing we/I've had to do - sending hugs

[Coi123]

Piercy-you are in my thoughts during this heartbreaking time. Wishing you the best of luck. If you are wondering what it is like and for anyone else in the future....the whole procedure was actually better than I thought, I wasn't upset on the day and felt quite calm. I think my body just knew it had a job to do. The staff were absolutely fantastic at the hospital and couldn't have cared for me more if they had tried. The pain was something I wasn't expecting. I had the period pains for most of the time which were manageable but then the last 2 hours were quite tough and I was sick and unable to stand up with dizziness. I asked for pain relief (after paracetamol and co codimol) and got an injection of diamorphine which was a life saver and things were 100 times better after that. I'm still here in hospital (should ne going home today) and I'm feeling abit of a sense of relief that it's all over. Feeling extremely sad still but trying to look towords the future and get my mind and body healthy for my rainbow baby.

[Piercy]

Hey Coi123, thank you for your kind words. I'm home and I miss her, physically I'm fine, emotionally not doing so great.

I'm keeping myself busy and one day at a time. I want the bleeding to stop and hope we can start trying again when we both feel ready.

I wish you all the best xx

[Coi123]

Piercy you sound exactly like me. I'm waiting for the bleeding to stop then we are trying again. Be prepared for the ups and downs. The day after, although tired, I felt ok then the next day devestated then the day aftet spurts of being ok then being devestated. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. I've had a few days resting and my partner and I are going to have a night away in Chester tonight. I need some distraction from my dark thoughts and these four walls. Hope you are ok x

[Eleanor86]

I'm sorry to hear that you've all been through this. I had bad news at my 12 week scan and then had a NIFTY test. The results came yesterday which showed a really rare deletion of one of the chromosomes. I'm not sure what happens now. From what I've read the prognosis is poor and I am considering termination. What I'm worried about is having to have the amnio and wait a further two weeks for the results just to confirm what the NIFTY has higighted. I will be 17/18 weeks at that point. I had a Mmc in June and now this. I am trying for my first baby and am finding it very difficult to remain hopeful. I'm scared I'm not going to be happy again and that I'll just become bitter. I can't stop sobbing x

[Pizdets]

Coi I hope the trip to Chester helped to distract you and your recovery is going ok. It's such a hard time.

Eleanor I was in almost your exact position 4 years ago - our baby had a rare deletion which took ages to diagnose but had a very poor prognosis, we ended up terminating at 18 weeks. It was the worst experience of my life, I felt life had lost all colour and flavour and I'd never be happy again.

I'd recommend ARC (antenatal results and choices), I'm still good friends with women I met on that forum 4 years ago and we supported each other through the hard times. I'm lucky enough to have 2 beautiful children now and shocked myself by talking about my tfmr the other day without bursting into tears - slowly things have improved and life has gone on. Try and be kind to yourself and take the future as it comes, focus on yourself right now and take help and support where it's offered. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs.

[Eleanor86]

Thank you Pizdets for your reply. I'm scared and tired and hopeless. It helps to talk on here as I have hardly told anyone about the pregnancy because of the miscarriage in June. I feel like such a failure and I'm terrified I'll never go on to have a healthy pregnancy :( x

[Coi123]

You poor thing Eleanor, to lose my first baby at 16 weeks (tmfr for t21 and heart problems) was beyond heartbreak but I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. I am dreading becoming pregnant again as although they are treating my situation as a fluke there can be other things that may go wrong. One thing that does comfort me is although this seems to unfortunately happen quite alot, the stories I have heard is that people still then go on to have healthy babies, like Pizdets. Having hope is all we can do to get us through this awful time, my thoughts are with you Eleanor. We are all here anytime you need to talk xxx

[Tess86]

Thank you. I'm meeting with the consultant in an hour so should have more information then. I'm scared of the medical management. I had that last time but the baby only measured 9 weeks.

PIzdets, do you mind me asking if you and your other half had testing after your tfmr. I'm going to ask today as I have had a miscarriage prior to this x

[Pizdets]

Tess (are you Eleanor under another name?!) yes we had testing and it came back all clear. It didn't reassure me much to be honest. The deletion (18 p-) is very rare, something like 1/50,000, I'm sure yours is similar, so stats like of lose all meaning once you've been that 'one'.

I'm sorry you had a miscarriage too - this was our only loss but it took 8 months of trying to conceive her and it was hard. Oddly enough I fell pregnant with both my healthy children within a couple of months of trying but I still think of myself as someone who struggles with pregnancy and fertility as it was so hard at the start.

I actually had a surgical termination at 18 weeks (in London) so it can be done. But there's no 'good option' and DH couldn't be with me while I was in the hospital which was hard. Again, ARC will be able to talk you through your options if you want to speak to them.

[Tess86]

Yes it's me. Sorry to confuse. I didn't realise you could choose a nickname. Tess is my little Retriever puppy. She's helping get me through this, bless her.


I met with the consultant although I felt like I knew more than he did having spent hours researching. The midwife who has been dealing with me was brilliant, though. Sorry for all the questions Pizdets, but with your next pregnancies did you have any additional tests or scans when pregnant? I know I can't control anything, but the thought of going this far again only to have it end terrifies me.

I will contact Arc tomorrow, I think. X