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I need a break from bumps and babies

(7 Posts)
felineways Wed 26-Oct-16 15:13:25

Hi just wanted to vent and get some advice really.

I'm now in week 8 of expectant managment for a pregnancy of unknown location (found out at 7 weeks). My Hcg levels are slowly dropping and my morning sickness has finally stopped. However, the waiting for the end is getting hard. I'm feeling very hormonal and weepy this week. I know this probably a good sign that maybe things are finally in the final stage.

My issue is that as a sahm of a toddler I spend a lot of time around other mums with new babies and bumps. I feel going to play groups etc is really important for my little ones social development. But this week I'm finding it all so so hard.

I know how lucky I am to have a child. I know how lucky I am that an ectopic has ended with no impact on my fertility. But I struggle to fall pregnant and this is my third miscarrige. I want to scream about how shitty and unfair it all is. For the first time I'm struggling being around friend's pregnancies and bumps. Social media feels like it's full to the brim with 12 week scans.

Hardest of all are those who are taking quite daft risks ( drinking lots in pregnancy) falling pregnant despite not dealing with a serious ( but short health issue). I hate how judgemental and angry I feel. I have thoughts like 'how come they get to have a baby when they are being so reckless and I lost mine'. Deep down I feel like deserve a child more and I hate myself for it.

How the hell do I move past this? I don't want to be this person. Until this week I was totally happy for others good news just sad for us. Feeling Jealous and angry is making it worse. How do I stop?

thatsnotmybear Wed 26-Oct-16 22:58:30

Hi Feline, you're still going through a miscarriage; you're also grieving and anger is a very normal aspect of grief. I've just had my 3rd consecutive miscarriage and am being referred for counselling. I picked myself up after the 1st & 2nd but it's too much for me to deal with without some support now. I can't deal with 'triggers' like bumps & babies at the moment either; you're not alone. Be kind to yourself & take a break from the playgroups if you need to - your toddler will be just as content to do things just the two of you.

emsler Thu 27-Oct-16 11:16:50

I think this is totally normal. I've just gone through surgical management of a missed miscarriage and before that I was okay-ish with the myriad pregnancy announcements and 12 week scans and 20 week scans that seem to be occurring (why does it always seem to happy that way?!) but after the procedure I felt differently and am now struggling, like you. For me I think it's similar in that it's harder for me to see it happening with apparent ease for people (although of course you never really know) - so my best friend, who has had several miscarriages and struggles to get pregnant is now 13 weeks and I'm genuinely, heartfelt-ly over the moon for her, but another friend's girlfriend (who I don't really like as a person and who is continuing to drink etc) is pregnant and I'm finding it hard not to feel anger. Honestly, I think it's totally normal, like thatsnotmybear said, it's just a stage of grieving and you just need to do what you need to do to get through it - take a break from playgroups, vent to your partner, block a few people on social media for a while. You will naturally move past this and until then you just need to give yourself time.

felineways Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:24

Thank you I think being in limbo for 2 months throwing up and not being pregnant. Plus lots of hosptial visits has left me a bit numb and in coping mode. Now it's nearly over I feel overwhelmed by emotions.

But everyone who know expects me to be ok by now. I'm really not ok :-(

emily86 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:33:09

One thing I did about 6 months ago was unfollow everyone on Facebook. I'm still friends with them all so can dip into people's profiles when I like but nothing comes up on my news feed. I have found this very helpful as was finding all the baby/pregnancy related items not good for my state of mind.

monkeytree Sat 29-Oct-16 15:14:38

Hi Feline
Sorry to hear about your loss x I lost a baby at 20 weeks 20 months ago. I have an older dd who is 10 but I also had a toddler who was 22 months at the time. I don't have any real advice but just to say that I totally relate to the difficulty of facing toddler groups and having to deal with the loss. Like you, I wanted my young dd to keep socialising at groups so kept going (almost like nothing had happened) but was completely devastated. I couldn't return to the groups I had been to previously as my loss was quite public (I had developed a bump etc) and word spread quickly; I didn't want to be pitied and quite often I didn't feel like interacting so I tried to start afresh and told myself well done each time I managed to attend a group. I was O.K with the babies but I found all the pregnant women (which seems inevitable at these types of groups) really difficult. I felt angry (still do) and didn't want to watch their bumps grow. So every time I discovered a pregnant women at the group, I seemed to move on to the next. I tried activities where I thought there would be less pregnant women i.e swimming, no - they seemed to be everywhere. Soft play was another avenue where I didn't have to communicate very much or outdoor parks outside the village where I live. Just the way I felt; I didn't feel like communicating very much and became quite withdrawn. I felt fortunate to have my dd's but it seemed cruel to me to be forced into situations where I felt really uncomfortable but I made the best out of difficult circumstances. Now dd has just turned 3, it's easier in a way because she has started pre-school and the guilt is lessening. After Christmas she will attend more often and I do take her to one stay and play session (no-one is pregnant there thankfully, it is a small group) and I find I cope much better. I also came off of facebook, I found that too difficult too and figured I would stay in touch anyway with good friends. If I had any advice, it would be to just take each week as it comes, find groups you feel comfortable with (even if you have to travel a bit) and don't feel guilty if you can possibly help it. You have been through a traumatic event and very recently, I can totally sympathise with the whole toddler group thing, you are not alone x

somethingfromnothing Sat 29-Oct-16 16:00:20

I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic which resolved itself. Waiting for the HCG levels to drop is exhausting and i constantly worried about it rupturing. I also have a dd and i know that people think that I should be happy with what I have but I long for another baby. Hope you are doing okay flowers

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