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Have you made 'peace' with your losses and did you have a baby after your loss?

(21 Posts)
FrazzleRock Sun 23-Oct-16 19:34:37

I'm just wondering because after we lost our little girl to a missed miscarriage in February I started to feel a bit better when we started TTC again. When we succeeded but lost another one, my partner has not wanted to try again. Since this decision my mental health has plummeted.

People who have experienced babyloss tell me it gets easier, but this nearly always comes from those who have gone on to have another baby.

I just wanted to know who has managed to make peace with their losses and whether you have had another baby? Or if you didn't have another baby and have, or have not, found it to get easier.

FrazzleRock Mon 24-Oct-16 11:59:57

Should I perhaps post this on another topic?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 24-Oct-16 12:16:14

No, I think you're in the right place. Your post may have just been missed.

I had 3 MCs between Ds1 and Ds2 - each one was quite early, one happened just as I was going for the early scan, which was a bit upsetting - but I made my peace with each of them on the "que sera, sera" basis. That there was probably some reason each pg failed, that it's pretty common, that I was over 40, that there was till time... and yes, I think fell pg with DS2 and he stuck around.

Things that helped me included talking to others who'd been through similar, including one fabulous MN friend who told me that for each MC she had, she'd bought herself a little ornament as a memento - so I did the same. I have 3 tiny crystal angels, each of a different crystal. No one else knows what they're for but they're important to me. Some people like to join FB groups for "angel babies" - and then if they get a "rainbow baby" (a live birth after a MC/stillbirth) there are groups for that too.

Would I have made peace with it so easily if I hadn't got DS2? I don't know. I think, because of my age, I would probably have accepted it as "too late now" eventually - but I don't know. Can't know.

I know another lady who had 1 DC and 13+ MCs. She is amazing. To put herself through that shows a lot of strength. Eventually she did accept that no. 2 wasn't going to happen though.

You don't say whether or not you already have DC but I'm guessing that you don't, that this was your first child? Much harder that way. I have a RL friend here who had 3 MCs before she got her "sticky" and had her DC - and then she stopped, as she couldn't handle the upset of the MCs again. She too was over 40.

Please keep talking to your partner - it's upsetting, but there are so many options available these days, that it's a bit soon to be saying "no more trying" just yet.

As another "hint" - I truly believe that improving my vitamin D status helped DS2 stick around - low vit D is associated with both infertility and MC, and mine was about 2/3 what it should have been (well below normal range) so I took megadose vit D and ta-dah! Ds2. I must emphasise however, that this is only one possible factor - but it's one that's fairly easy to sort out by supplementing.

Good luck and I hope you get more answers. thanks

ProbablyMe Mon 24-Oct-16 12:23:58

We lost a baby at 16 weeks at the start of 2014, it was a very difficult experience that - although I accept it now - I will never get over and neither will my partner. For me I wanted to try again as soon as I could and my partner agreed. After this I suffered an early miscarriage about 3 months later and we stopped trying for a couple of months after this. We went on to conceive about 9 months after our first loss and I gave birth in may of this year. I am 42.

Losing a baby changes both of you and it caused so many emotions - sadness, confusion, anger - and although we now have a baby we still miss the ones that we lost. I think this is normal. But we worked through it and now feel that if we got through the last couple of years then we can get through anything.

I hope you can get peace of mind and work through your losses together.

FrazzleRock Mon 24-Oct-16 12:43:25

Thank you so much ThumbWitches. Really helpful post.

I do have DC from a previous relationship and they were very hard to conceive due to PCOS.

The first time I miscarried was our lovely little surprise baby with my wondeful DP. We had only been together a few months when we discovered we were expecting and was a miracle to me, given my past fertility issues with the shit bag that is PCOS. We sadly lost our baby at nine weeks. Our baby meant the world to me and we'd found out very early that we were expecting her so I had bonded with her completely. MC was not even on the radar. I 100% expected to meet our baby in September, very naively.

Obviously, because our baby was not planned and we had not been together long. trying again was going to be a difficult subject but we had already bought a house together so that we could all live together (where we live now) so DP agreed to TTC.
Once we lost that one he said no more. Mostly because he realised our financial situation had changed so much given the new big mortgage and also he now jointly financially responsible for my DC (we both work full time so both support them).
It is because of this he has said no more TTC. At least until a financial miracle comes along (unlikely)

As I say though, I have struggled hugely with this decision no matter how sensible it is. Only people who have gone on to have another child have been able to tell me it gets easier.

I just wanted the different views of those who have had another and those who have not. I am interested to know if it is just those who have gone on to have another baby who have been able to make peace with their loss(es)

Fourmantent Mon 24-Oct-16 20:03:39

I had one DS followed by 5 m/c's - the worst being DD at 18 weeks but I eventually went on to have another DS at 41. DP was ready to stop TTC but as an only child, I really didn't want DS to be an only child and as I had done it before, I felt that I could do it again. At some point I would have stopped - the pain was all encompassing and life was on hold for several years. I think that perhaps only you know when it's time to draw a line under it and move on. I needed top notch high risk pg unit help to enable me to have DS2 - weekly scans, heparin, aspirin, progesterone, early induction. Try and get the best medical help out there and seek the advice of experts so that you can make the best informed decision. Time is a great healer - I can now drive past the hospital where I had DD without any pain and the pink section of Baby Gap is no longer a stab in the heart. Good luck to you. X

KittyandTeal Mon 24-Oct-16 20:08:24

We lost dd2 at 22 weeks to a tfmr and then ds at 14 weeks for unknown reasons.

We already have dd1 and have decided to stop ttc. I cannot risk loosing another baby, especially later on in pregnancy. However, we made the decision together and both agree. I struggled at first as I did have an 'urge' to keep trying but I logically knew it wasn't a good idea.

I'm not sure I've made peace with it. I still feel huge guilt about my termination, even though dd2 had a syndrome that was lethal. I have definitely not ok-ed myself with ds's loss. I think I am often still in denial about it tbh but then it's only been 6 months. I have been pretty battered over the past couple of years.

FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 02-Nov-16 12:53:26

I had a mmc at 13w and then DD a few years later. When we decided to try for DC2 I had a mmc at 11w, a straightforward MC at 5w and then fell pregnant with DS.

The first MC really knocked me on my arse. I had no coping mechanisms and was an absolute mess. It took a long time to be even remotely ok. Me and (now) DH actually split up for a while and it was a huge contributory factor. It's a total cliché, but it really did just take time. A long, long time, admittedly.
The second and third MCs were much easier. I was older and wiser and had a more 'take life as it comes' attitude. I still went through the grief, anger etc but they were much less all-consuming. I think I was better at letting the negative emotions come, accepting them, riding them out and letting them go again, rather than pushing them down til they exploded and then brooding on them for weeks on end. A bit like swimming in waves - every time the sadness hit me, I just let it, went with it and trusted that I'd pop back up again. It also helped that I had DD by then - after the 3rd MC I was beginning to think there would be no more babies. She became very precious - I thought a lot about how lucky I was to have her, and that got me through a lot of bad days.
Another thing that helped was that the 2nd mmc was anembryonic - so the baby had never developed. My first mmc we had seen the baby, heartbeat etc at 8w and then baby had died by the next scan, so the loss was much more tangible. I also haemhorraged massively with the 2nd mmc and had to be blue lighted into hospital for an emergency ERPC, so I was also just feeling pretty grateful to still be alive tbh.
I won't lie, ttc straight away again also really helped - we didn't after the first, but did after the 2nd and 3rd MCs and it made a big difference. However, I think it was mainly just having something positive and productive to focus on - if we hadn't ttc again, I think a new focus would have had a similar effect - so if there was aspects of my life I wasn't happy with, focusing on changing them may have helped draw me out of myself and not let the loss eat me up. Running was good as well - it gave me a bit of space and quiet and made for good 'processing time'.
Everyone is individual, and what works for one person doesn't work for another. For me, I'm naturally a fairly 'glass half full' person, so my 2nd and 3rd MCs made me appreciate the good things in my life that much more, and that helped me. But someone else may have an entirely different strategy. I think you just have to survive it any way you can, and trust that time will eventually help. Obviously you never forget, but IME you come to accept and start to move past.

eastegg Wed 02-Nov-16 15:28:55

Hi frazzle, I remember you from another thread recently.

I have 2 DC, lost my third at 16 weeks last August and I'm 42 pushing 43 now. My third baby was much more wanted by me than by DH so that the early stages of the pregnancy were stressful for that reason. He was starting to get more excited and happy about things when the stress of CVS/possible chromosomal abnormalities kicked in, followed by the loss of our baby. I remember thinking how he's been 'proved right' because one of the things he'd been negative about was 'what if there's something wrong with the baby, it's not worth the risk when we've got 2 lovely DCS already, don't push our luck etc'.

It almost goes without saying that he doesn't want to try again. It was obvious to me even as I lay there in hospital losing the baby that he wouldn't , and it's the hardest thing. I really don't think I've made peace yet, although I feel more happy than unhappy with my life I have a nagging desire for another child and I don't know how exactly I will deal with that. I've been more prone to anxiety and stress since the MC, ostensibly all work related but I think the MC is a factor in it. I think the way forward for me, which I'm trying to take steps towards, is to make changes to make my life happier in other areas. Eg I had just been putting up with a stressful job with some glimmers of satisfaction and I'm not prepared to do that anymore because it feels like I've got fewer layers of skin than before and I can't cope! I want to do something I really love and finding that is my focus now.

I'm still hoping for a miracle every month though! Very difficult with an unwilling partner obv. Just saw on fb an old school friend who has announced she's pg against the odds at nearly 43 and I'm not exactly at peace with that. I feel that the hole will never be filled but I do think I can still be happy.

Wishing you all the best, and lots of strength.

weegiemum Wed 02-Nov-16 15:43:37

I had 2 early losses before dd1 was born (long time ago, can't actually remember how many weeks I was, 8-10 I think), then a 12-13 week mc between dd1 and ds, then dd2.

Dd1 is now 16, ds 14 and dd2 almost 13. I have to say that although it was hard at the time, i very rarely think about it now, it was long ago and the pain does ease over time, especially as it was so early. I think about them when the snowdrops bloom, because they were all at that time of year. I also wouldn't have the wonderful children i have now.

It takes time, though, but I'd say don't give up. I'm sure thats what my dh would say as well. But do make sure you look after yourself. flowers

Nospringflower Thu 03-Nov-16 00:02:13

I had two miscarriages then had 3 children then went on to have another 2 miscarriages. At that stage I gave up on having any more children as I thought I was maybe using my luck and ran the risk of something 'bad' happening e.g. a child with disabilities or something happening to me. So I gave up and have come to terms with this decision although still wish I had had a fourth child.

FrazzleRock Thu 03-Nov-16 14:41:17

I'm so sorry for what you've all been through and thank you so much for your responses.

I just cannot see it getting easier without a baby at the end of it. If anything, it is getting worse and we lost ours in Feb and May so I'd hoped it would be easing by now. I know there is no time limit on these things but I am struggling with family as I know for a fact they don't understand why it's effecting me/us so much. I'm beginning to wonder if they've all had empathy surgically removed, or if they ever had it in the frst place.

DP and I are hanging onto eachother by a thread. We are treading very sharp eggshells around eachother constantly.
I just want to hold my baby in my arms. My heart broke all over again when DP told me we were not going to try again.

I am not the same person I was and I never will be. I think we both miss the old me, but that person is gone. I wonder if DP is also grieving for the person he knew as well as his baby(ies)

Hi eastegg everything you've say resonates such a lot with me, we are so very similar in our experience. Like you I still wish for a miracle every month. I still have the app I used for my pregnancy but I use it for fertility now. Problem is it keeps telling me to do atest, but it doesn't seem to understand that I have PCOS so I do not have a 'regular' cycle. IT's just annoying when I see those words and I go "fuck you, you should know me by now I've been tracking since April!" But I won't get rid of it. Maybe I like being angry at something, I don't know.

FrazzleRock Thu 03-Nov-16 14:43:07

I juts read that back, when I said that I will never be the same person again, I meant if we can't try again and I have our baby at the end. I think at least part of the old me would come back if I had our baby at the end.

sianihedgehog Thu 03-Nov-16 14:49:51

Honestly, trying again and having a baby was THE way I coped with my miscarriage. I was not nearly as upset by it as most people are, but the whole time I was just telling the doctors and nurses that I was trying again straight away, and I did.

I think you need to talk to your partner about this. It's unfair of him to unilaterally decide not to try again, if you had both committed to that. I think you probably feel angry about that.

TheLegendOfBeans Thu 03-Nov-16 14:52:18

Hello there

So I had a MC in August at 11w and it knocked me sideways. Obviously the mental scar of the massively painful and protracted experience was bad but I underestimated the physical toll. My DD at that point was sleeping well and very "good" so that greased the wheels.

As I told everyone I was pg at 10w I had to "un-tell". Everyone was so nice and unlike many others I didn't get one shonky reply such as "at least you got pregnant".

Weirdly having my MC allowed lots of things that were "on hold" in my personal life to suddenly "get done" and that stirred me on. Thinnest silver lining ever and I'd rather still be pregnant but it wasn't to be.

One in four pregnancies ends in MC. That was the main emotional focus and I don't blame myself for "doing" anything to "cause" it. No guilt is a big aid I'm mentally progressing past the devastation.

However, for me, only time is gonna tell. We are now actively TTC as I've had two periods since August. I could be pg now and not know it but I'm outright banning myself from POAS until Christmas should no period arrive this month.

Whatever the outcome I know that when I get pg next (all going well) I'm going to be in straight denial until I get past 3 months. If I POAS before Christmas, having had no period in November and it's negative it'll bend my head and - for me - possibly shit all over Christmas. That's not fair on my DD.

So yeah, I can say I've coped through the combination of good friends, gym buddies who told me their stories and actually MN. But should I get pg again I can't help but feel I've got a rough mental ride ahead.

Sorry that post was well rambly; I hope it's helped you, it's helped me a bit x

FrazzleRock Thu 03-Nov-16 15:01:50

The problem is, Siani, that we hadn't planned the first baby we lost. The second we did plan, however.
When he told me we weren't trying again, I said to him "but you wanted to try again" he said "it's my right to change my mind"
That's fair enough for him, but it's left me broken and (as you say) angry.

It's very confusing though because sometimes he'll talk about thinking of ways to make it financially possible (we both have to work full time and cannot afford full time childcare), and other times he says he never wanted to be a father. I'm thinking of becoming a Childminder again so that I can work from home, thus avoiding having to pay for childcare. He knows this but it is nerve wracking being self employed with a big mortgage.
I can't raise anything with him because he is like Jekyll and Hyde right now and I cannot cope with the confrontational and harsh attitude he has.

We need couples counselling quite desperately but I am nervous that he will say things that I don't want to hear. I know for a fact his words will hurt me and I will crumble even further. He'd rather do the couples thing than see someone on his own.

I guess we just go along and see what happens.

FrazzleRock Thu 03-Nov-16 15:16:20

Thak you Legend I'm really pleased that has helped you. It is catarthic isn't it!

About the rough mental ride ahead with TTC. I totlally get that and I am sure if I was lucky enough for it to happen again I would be a nervous wreck. But I'd rather that than be empty forever.
Every month I wish so much that my period doesn't arrive and it generally doesn't until I do a test. Then it arrives. Fucking PCOS angry.
DP uses withdrawal so I figured if he was that bothered about not trying again, he would be more careful.
I had a dream the other night where I tested and got those lovely pink lines. The feeling was phenomenal. I woke up grinning from ear to ear and had such a warm glow though me with pure take your breath away excitement. Then I realised it wasn't real and my entire day was fucked up sad I haven't experienced that sheer joy since our BFP in May. It felt so amazing but the crash afterwards was awful.

RoTo72 Mon 21-Nov-16 21:17:57

Hi. I haven't been on mn in months. Was just having a browse and came across your post. I had a much last November. It was a horr3ndous experience and I still think about my baby every single day. But, it definitely has gotten easier. I have a ds from a previous relationship. My then dp had no other children, it would have been 3n his first. We were together 6yrs but have since broken up, do ttc is definitely off the cards for me. I have come to accept what happened, even though I still get the "what ifs" and find myself daydreaming, I am now no longer jealous of pregnant ladies r new mums. If anything it has made me stronger and more compassionate.

monkeytree Wed 23-Nov-16 14:33:59

Hi I'm so sorry to hear of all of your losses. I have 2 dd's second dd was a miracle; fertility issues. Felt really content then fell pregnant a third time only to mc at 20 weeks. I am approaching two years following mc and now and starting to be being realistic that despite ttc still it is very unlikely to happen. I will always miss the little boy I should have had but it is almost as if I have let go of the desperate urge to become pregnant again. I won't deny it I believe it does help to heal to have another successful pregnancy but part of me feels relieved. I'm nearly 43 now and feeling albeit regretfully that it is time to move on. I concentrate on what I do have and have recently started a creative writing course and web design project that has provided some distraction and has also been a useful channel for my emotions. I have given myself such a hard time and lost some family members/friends through all of this but I do have moments of happiness and I hold onto that. I think of him every day and hoping this will become more wistful as time goes on.

Bombaybunty Wed 23-Nov-16 14:47:10

So sad to read about all these losses.
I've had 4 early m/c and one termination for Edward's syndrome. I managed one DS who is now 14.
I started trying in my late 30's.
I found the repeated trying and miscarrying very difficult. I think I was quite depressed for a while. From my mid 40's I was really happy with my lot. We are a very close unit, the 3 of us, DH, DS and me!
I'm now 54 and in the last few years I've been feeling sad about only having one child. I think it's as he grows up and becomes more independent, I'm feeling a bit redundant.
I'm so incredibly lucky to have him.

Lizziedoll Tue 13-Dec-16 19:39:09

Good evening,
First of all I am so sorry for your losses flowers
I too had a miscarriage, in July, it was my first pregnancy. I wasn't as far along as you were and physically it was fine (just like a period) but emotionally it was incredibly hard at first. However 5 months on I truly feel I have made peace with this experience and feel stronger for it. I found out two weeks ago that I am expecting again, although judging from the scan I had a few days ago it looks like another miscarriage could be on the cards, however I feel strong enough to handle another loss. When it comes to pregnancy my philosophy since my miscarriage is that "what is meant to be, will be". I was told after my miscarriage that it was "natures way of getting it right". Nature is cruel but knows what is right, i believe that. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. Best of luck flowers

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