Hi there
I've not posted on here before but am
am feeling at such a loss with what to do with these feelings, I was hoping someone could relate.
I had a keyhole op for ectopic pregnancy on Friday. My left tube was removed. This was a much longed for pregnancy after a year or so of proper ttc our second child. We already have a DS who is 3 and was conceived with clomid. I am 37 and have PCOS, so we always knew that conceiving a second baby wasn't going to be easy but I so want DS to have a sibling and he's been asking for a baby brother or sister on daily basis for some time now.
We took 7 rounds of clomid this year and had our last appointment with the fertility clinic a few weeks ago. The morning of the appointment, I did a quick pregnancy test as I was a day late starting my period and to my surprise it was positive. That also meant we had conceived on a cycle without clomid. We went to the appointment for the nurse to tell us we had come to the end of the road with clomid and IVF was our next step - something we just can't financially stretch to at the moment. She was obviously surprised and delighted when I shared the news that I'd got a BFP that day.
I started getting some brown discharge a week or so ago, so went to see the GP. I know that this is fairly common in early pregnancy and wasn't too concerned when the GP suggested an early scan. I had a scan on Thursday - I was just over 6 weeks. The sonographer couldn't see anything in my uterus but again I wasn't too worried as I knew it was very early still. They took bloods and told me to come back in 48 hours for another blood test to confirm failed pregnancy or ectopic etc. I got a call the next day to go back in as my hormone level was so high that they expected to see something in my uterus. Anyway, I had another scan and the ectopic was seen pretty quickly just above my left ovary.
I had the op within a few hours.
It all just happened so quickly. And I felt so unprepared as i didn't have any pain or other symptoms.
Everything came to a head last night, when I had a panic attack on the ward. The nurses didn't seem to know what to do with me and I was left in a corridor for a fair amount of time losing my shit before being moved to another room. It was all quite humiliating. I was eventually given a diazepam to calm me down but no one asked me how I was feeling for the rest of the time I was in hospital. It was such a lonely and isolating experience.
I am feeling quite overwhelmed with sadness tonight and feeling quite detached from everything - including my son and husband. My poor husband looks done in and devastated but I can't seem to find it in me to comfort him.
I'm just so scared and anxious. I've been chatting to friends today over texts but it still comes back in massive waves. I just want that baby back.
I saw a palm reader back in the summer and I asked him if i would have another baby and he said that there would be some "hiccups" with that. What if I can never have another baby? What if I'm not meant to? It all feels so overwhelming
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Struggling with processing loss
5 replies
fullofwonder · 02/10/2016 17:38
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