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Struggling with processing loss

(6 Posts)
fullofwonder Sun 02-Oct-16 17:38:12

Hi there
I've not posted on here before but am
am feeling at such a loss with what to do with these feelings, I was hoping someone could relate.

I had a keyhole op for ectopic pregnancy on Friday. My left tube was removed. This was a much longed for pregnancy after a year or so of proper ttc our second child. We already have a DS who is 3 and was conceived with clomid. I am 37 and have PCOS, so we always knew that conceiving a second baby wasn't going to be easy but I so want DS to have a sibling and he's been asking for a baby brother or sister on daily basis for some time now.

We took 7 rounds of clomid this year and had our last appointment with the fertility clinic a few weeks ago. The morning of the appointment, I did a quick pregnancy test as I was a day late starting my period and to my surprise it was positive. That also meant we had conceived on a cycle without clomid. We went to the appointment for the nurse to tell us we had come to the end of the road with clomid and IVF was our next step - something we just can't financially stretch to at the moment. She was obviously surprised and delighted when I shared the news that I'd got a BFP that day.

I started getting some brown discharge a week or so ago, so went to see the GP. I know that this is fairly common in early pregnancy and wasn't too concerned when the GP suggested an early scan. I had a scan on Thursday - I was just over 6 weeks. The sonographer couldn't see anything in my uterus but again I wasn't too worried as I knew it was very early still. They took bloods and told me to come back in 48 hours for another blood test to confirm failed pregnancy or ectopic etc. I got a call the next day to go back in as my hormone level was so high that they expected to see something in my uterus. Anyway, I had another scan and the ectopic was seen pretty quickly just above my left ovary.

I had the op within a few hours.

It all just happened so quickly. And I felt so unprepared as i didn't have any pain or other symptoms.

Everything came to a head last night, when I had a panic attack on the ward. The nurses didn't seem to know what to do with me and I was left in a corridor for a fair amount of time losing my shit before being moved to another room. It was all quite humiliating. I was eventually given a diazepam to calm me down but no one asked me how I was feeling for the rest of the time I was in hospital. It was such a lonely and isolating experience.

I am feeling quite overwhelmed with sadness tonight and feeling quite detached from everything - including my son and husband. My poor husband looks done in and devastated but I can't seem to find it in me to comfort him.

I'm just so scared and anxious. I've been chatting to friends today over texts but it still comes back in massive waves. I just want that baby back.

I saw a palm reader back in the summer and I asked him if i would have another baby and he said that there would be some "hiccups" with that. What if I can never have another baby? What if I'm not meant to? It all feels so overwhelming

Struay0verthesea Sun 02-Oct-16 19:55:13

flowers so sorry for what's happened.
It is really early days for you. I was running on autopilot for a good couple of days after my surgical treatment for a miscarrige after expectant management failed.
Then it hit me how shit it is.
I have cried lots, with DH, away from my toddlers.

You've suffered a real loss, of that particular baby, so you will grieve. In my very recent experience all I can say is that it is exhausting. I suspect what you're describing as detachment is just shock and it will hit you. I'm told time eases the sadness.

Like you, I'm left with anxiety about conceiving again (I'm 40) and sadness about how anxious I might feel in another pregnancy.

Be easy on yourself and try to have a bit of time for just you and your husband if you have any childcare that will allow that.

AgainPlease Sun 02-Oct-16 20:04:19

I'm so sorry to hear this flowers

My son was conceived thanks to IVF only to lose him at 5 months pregnant (went in to early labour, he survived for 3 minutes after delivery). Made worse due to the fact it happened because of bungles by the NHS who failed to flag up key parts of my medical history.

I ask myself the same things: "am I not meant to be a mother?" "What if it never happens for me?".

I cry all the time and I'm angry.

We will be going through IVF again soon but I'm not excited. Just completely paranoid and also skeptical that I will actually get to take a live baby home next time.

Please take comfort in knowing there are women out there, like me, who really understand how you're feeling and you will heal and these feelings will eventually pass.

Banana82 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:50:33

I am sorry to read about your miscarriage. flowers

As the other posters have said, its early days. You have been through a very traumatic experience and it will take a while to process. Do what feels natural to you at the moment, you need to take the time to grieve.

Hospital can be a lonely place. I had my miscarriage confirmed when I was 8 weeks. I waited 2 weeks for the baby to come away naturally but in the end I needed an MVA as nothing happened. In those 2 weeks I genuinely thought I had come to terms with things. I knew things weren't right from the start with bleeding and loss of symptoms etc. It hit me after my MVA. I had huge blood loss and needed a transfusion. It was so undignified and it only seemed to be my DH taking care of me. I had a panic attack at home where I just didn't think I would be able to cope with things. I felt overwhelmed and didn't know how to process my feelings. I normally hold things together quite well and it scared me.

Its normal to feel detached, you are dealing with a lot and don't have space for much else. Its been 6 weeks (wow, can't believe its been that long) since my operation and about 3 since the bleeding stopped. I am feeling much better and believe me when I say that you will too. Its such a cliche but you just need to give it time.

fullofwonder Mon 03-Oct-16 18:15:09

Thank so much for taking the time to reply - it's very much appreciated. And I'm so sorry to all of you for your losses.

I know things will get better in time. I just feel emotionally exhausted right now - after the stresses of infertility for so long. I think I need to get used to the idea that I may not be having any more children and I know that I'm so lucky to have the one I have.

Thank you all for listening - it was cathartic to get it all

Dustpan Mon 03-Oct-16 20:27:17

Hi wonder, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your much longed for little one. What a huge loss, especially after the joy you had st having conceived naturally after such a long time trying.

Be as gentle on yourself as you can and take each day as it comes.

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