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Upset over lack of contact from friends and colleagues

(9 Posts)
Struay0verthesea Wed 28-Sep-16 19:36:48

As my miscarriage started at work several colleagues know. I have been off a few days now, and I just feel so sad and isolated that very few, especially someone I share an office with an first told have been in touch. I consider them friends and they have my personal mobile number.

I appreciate people may find it very awkward and be worried they say the wrong thing, but even a message to say that I am being thought of and wishes well would mean something.

My husband's work on the other hand have been incredibly compassionate and supportive of him, and those colleagues who know what has happened have all sent well wishes. This is lovely but actually is highlighting how crap I feel about my own work.

Anyone else been in this situation? I feel so lonely. I imagine if I went off work suddenly for another reason like appendicitis or a broken leg I would have had more messages. It feels like I've suffered something that's really taboo and now I'm dreading going back.

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 28-Sep-16 19:44:54

Hello love, whilst my miscarriage didn't start at work it happened just before I was due back after mat leave. I made a giant song and dance "woo hoo Beans is back in August waheyyyy" and miscarried 48hrs before.

I had to tell work, several folk knew (they had to) and I got no words, nothing.

People are weird about miscarriages. I'm no psychologist but I can only conclude it's the fact that it happens to 1 in 5 pregnancies or something and that shits up a lot of people.

Also, people don't know what to say really. I told several folk at 10 weeks I was pg and miscarried at 11 weeks. The reactions from people were a mix of folk genuinely not knowing what to say and some folk revealing it's happened to them and agreeing that it's so so so horrible.

There's a weird silence around miscarriage - I don't fully understand it myself and I hope someone will be along who will explain - but you'd be amazed at how many folk out there would rather be silent than risk "upsetting you".

Meanwhile it's the silence that hurts the most.

Anyway, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Forgive the massive post, I couldn't just read and run x

Womble75 Wed 28-Sep-16 19:50:55

It's crap isn't it? I had exactly the same. All my "friends" suddenly disappeared when I ended up in hospital with my first MC. The "friends" who I had been there for through their ups and downs for years. Certainly opened my eyes. One fb messaged me "well at least you know you can still get pregnant" hmmIn fact the newish friends well more acquaintances I had made at local mother and baby group were lovely and supportive.
Result being I've not seen any of them since. Years of being there and putting myself out (which I didn't mind it's my nature) and when I needed a friend they were nowhere to be found. It was a lonely and isolation time and to be honest I got more comfort and understanding on here than anywhere which helped so much.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. flowers

Struay0verthesea Wed 28-Sep-16 19:55:35

Thanks. I looked at frequency of posts here, and reposted on chat, but it's good to read your responses. I'm sorry others have had it too.
I don't know if the fact that I already have a family makes people feel it's less sad, or that I was somehow being "greedy". Who knows.

My husband says he can tell that some of his colleagues feel genuinely upset and nervous, the thoughts above about how common it is maybe means that a lot of people have experience of it through their own family and maybe it just brings back bad memories.

I shall soldier through and get support from those who are being kind. It has shown that I have some lovely friends out of work and that means a lot.

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 28-Sep-16 20:01:05

Womble and Struay - yes I got the "at least you can get pg" comment (that was a blinder from a "best" friend) but as I have one DC already I do agree that there may be a "sympathy void" when you have a mc and you have DCs already.

Either way it's just a hugely crappy time. Rest is your friend Struay; don't "soldier on", I basically slept myself back to normality for a good 5 days after mine xxx

Struay0verthesea Wed 28-Sep-16 20:49:42

Thanks. Legend I am taking the advice of the hospital doctor and taking the time he said, rather than my own plan which was to be back by now.
Resting, planning little things which make us happy and trying to get more sleep seems like the plan.
I guess this has just opened my eyes as to who my true friends are. A shit way to find out though.

BipBippadotta Mon 03-Oct-16 09:41:23

I think some people also treat a miscarriage as some sort of embarrassing gynaecological condition. Friends of mine who were amazingly supportive when my daughter was stillborn kind of wrinkled their noses when I went on to have a miscarriage later. In their minds it seemed one event was the loss of a baby, and another was just an unpleasant state of affairs with my vagina.

I'm really sorry for your loss, Struay, and hope you take good care of yourself. sadflowers

BipBippadotta Mon 03-Oct-16 09:41:48

(Didn't mean to hit the sad face there, just the flowers)

Struay0verthesea Mon 03-Oct-16 21:35:46

Thanks Bip, sorry to hear about your very sad losses.

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