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Miscarriage how do i cope when friends are pregnant?

(10 Posts)
sparksalot Mon 26-Sep-16 16:14:47

Hi all

Unfortunately last week we found out our baby had died at 8 weeks at a scan at 11 weeks. I opted for medical management and im still going through this now bleeding etc.
I've just found out a close work friend is 25 weeks pregnant and it has floored me. I also have my sister in law and a cousin who are both in early pregnancy. I just feel so angry and upset.
I just don't know how im going to cope when i return to work as i will be seeing her every day. Not to mention all my happy pregnant family members. I just want to crawl into a hole and die sad

Any help is appreciated x

FrazzleRock Mon 26-Sep-16 16:23:04

I have no words of advice. But I am there. We lost our sweet little baby back in February at just under 9 weeks which was a MMC like yours. I am surrounded by constant pregnancy announcements and reminders.

Its awful. I hate it. I have not left the hole you want to climb into.

flowers

sparksalot Mon 26-Sep-16 16:40:08

Hi Frazzle im so sorry for your loss. I really want to be ok and I really thought I would be until i heard this last announcement. It's just so hard.
Are you trying again? I would right now if i could.
Thanks for posting xx

MrsHathaway Mon 26-Sep-16 16:48:46

A wise friend said to me when I was in your situation, "She isn't having your baby."

Other people's pregnancies don't have an effect on your fertility or successes. They remind us very keenly of what might have been, though. I still struggle to spend time with my two friends' respective 5yos because we were all pregnant at the same time. Even though I had a baby not that long after them, I still feel a pang of loss when I see their children ... even though if that lost pgy had been successful I wouldn't have my DC2 (who is lovely) or the job I have now (which is convenient and well paid and stimulating).

So when you see a bump, it's ok to think "it should have been me". That's a totally normal reaction. But what is in store for you wouldn't have come if that pgy hadn't ended, and what's to come will be wonderful - I sincerely wish this for you.

FrazzleRock Mon 26-Sep-16 17:29:00

sparks no we can't try again because DP says no. When we were trying again we lost another, very early on, but still shit.

People keep saying to me that we will get our rainbow but we won't because DP will not try again. Our first loss was a surprise pregnancy so TTC was never on the cards, especially as I have two from previous marriage.
A friend of mine said what you said mrshathaway, about not having our rainbow if we'd not lost the first one. It was brilliant when we were trying again, but now we are not so I cannot lean on that hope anymore. I'm sorry for you loss.

sparks I'm so so sorry, I don't think my words are bringing much comfort as I'm in a terrible place. But I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. I do hope you can try again so you are not bogged down in this horrid place for too much longer. Trying for a rainbow baby really does bring some joy xx

MrsHathaway Mon 26-Sep-16 17:37:56

The something that comes next doesn't have to be a rainbow baby, although for many people it is.

For me in the first instance it was a brilliant new job. I wouldn't have applied for it if I'd still been pregnant for fear of losing out on maternity benefits including job stability. And that job was lovely - just lovely colleagues, great work environment, stimulating work to do and fabulous Christmas do - and gave me additional breadth of experience that meant I could then get the next job, which I am currently in.

sparksalot Mon 26-Sep-16 18:12:17

Thanks for posting guys. Im so sorry frazzle i think I've seen another of your threads and can see how much you're hurting.
I just feel so empty and knowing how happy my friends and family are is just making it worse and i hate that I'm not feeling happy for them. I'm sure this feeling will pass or at least lesson a bit but right now i just want to scream at them how dare they have this when I can't. X

monkeytree Mon 26-Sep-16 22:03:14

I'm glad you got your happy ending MrsHathaway but for some of us we don't get to have that feeling 'that it was alright in the end'. I have two dc's, 42 with fertility issues there's no rainbow baby in sight for me now and nothing else seems to fill the gap and the longing that comes with the empty arms I have been left with. I have nothing positive to say about this loss. Although my ds was very much wanted and would have been utterly loved, it was a surprise pregnancy. I wish I had never become pregnant again a third time only to be left with this sense of emptiness. It has left me feeling desperate and terribly sad when previously I had felt content at having my miracle dd2. No wonderful career prospects would diminish this loss, I carry this with me for life now albeit less raw than it was originally. There are always the reminders and the what could have beens are all around me. I feel so alone in the fact that only I knew what it was like to carry ds to 20 weeks and have him so near to me yet now permanently our of my reach. I am so sorry to hear of all of your losses ladies and if you have hope of another pregnancy, I am sure it will make things easier for you although wise words have been said about other women having 'their baby, not your baby' I understand this but feel bitter at the injustice of it all. If I had another baby tomorrow it still would not be ds although there is some comfort to be had I am sure by saying I wouldn't have Y if I hadn't of lost X, sadly I don't think I will ever to get to realize that comfort though and that is very difficult to bare. Good luck to you all x

fuzzywuzzy Mon 26-Sep-16 22:14:19

Sparks and everyone else who has experienced this I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a MMC in May, & whilst I was recovering a dear friend announced her pregnancy. I had to distance myself from her a bit whilst I got my head together. I couldn't deal with my own pain and slap on a smile for her at the same time.

I think that's ok. I've never wanted what's hers but her pregnancy really keenly reminded me of my loss.

I've always been happy & supportive for & of her but I don't need to put myself out and discuss babies endlessly with her when it hurts me.

Eventually the pain is easier to cope with, but don't rush thro your grieving, take time out be sad. Your feelings are valid and reasonable given what you've gone thro.

Have you looked at grief counselling, I was offered it through work. It may help a little.

Don't be hard on yourself, take one day at a time. flowers

MrsHathaway Tue 27-Sep-16 08:04:52

monkey flowers I'm so sorry that happened to you, and no wonder you feel you'll never get over it.

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