Do you recognise these symptoms after pregnancy loss - including deep superstition that you are not 'meant' to have another child?

(8 Posts)
whateverdoidonext Mon 26-Sep-16 13:57:05

I am going to start by saying I am so fortunate to have two healthy children. But last week I had to end a pregnancy at 14 weeks due to chromosomal abnormalities. I am currently so sad. I feel as though I should just get on with life precisely because we are so lucky to have our two.

But equally, I just can't seem to do anything. I can't focus on work, although I know if I could, it might help, so I am just staring at the screen/mumsnetting/etc.

I can't stop obsessing about trying again, even though I know it probably wouldn't and more importantly almost, shouldn't happen now (I am in my forties).

When I got pregnant, I felt as though I was being greedy, and that I was asking for too much. Now it has ended in disaster and I am saying to myself repeatedly, I told you so. I feel like the universe is sending me a warning, not to try again. But then, I ask myself, why is it meant for others but not me?

I have a terrible superstition that if I did get pregnant again, it would end in sadness, or that if the baby made it to term, there would be undiscovered problems then. Or that we wouldn't be able to cope with three and it would be a disaster in other respects. I'm so very scared of trying again, but I'm scared of the regrets if we don't.

I know I should draw a line under it, so that I can concentrate on my DC and my DH. I feel like my stable marriage is already under threat as a result of my sadness, as we just can't seem to communicate on it. My DH just doesn't understand my desire to make our currently easy life harder, and in many ways, neither do I.

And yet ... I can't stop wishing for one more chance. In short, I'm in a mess. But feel like I shouldn't be. This is all normal, right? Does it get better?

Lucinda15 Mon 26-Sep-16 20:39:37

I'm so sorry op for your loss and for what u are feeling now. I have no answers, but I just wanted to say I have felt all of these things too. I have one 5yo DS who brings us so much joy, and a happy and solid relationship with my DP. But we have had 4 mc's over the last 15 months. The first was very traumatic. I too have had strong superstition that it's just 'not meant to be'. I know I am incredibly lucky to have what I do, and feel that I'm being greedy for wanting more. I worry that if I manage to have a baby, something will have to 'give' to put the balance right; a serious health issue, a death or other loss. It sounds absurd and people I say this to tell me I'm being daft. But I do wonder if perhaps I'm forcing nature to do something it's not meant to do, and I should just leave it be.

But I can't shake this yearning for another child. And I can't seem to make the decision to stop trying. Although I think we are nearing that.

I've had counselling to try and control negative thoughts like this and over time it is getting better. but it is always niggling at me. And perhaps we will stop trying soon and then I really will be able to make peace with it.

I hope that you can come to terms with what's happened, and find peace with it too.

Thinking of you and offering a hand to hold flowers

monkeytree Mon 26-Sep-16 21:01:11

Hiya. Your post really resonated with me and I am so sorry for your loss and the awful time you have been through x. Like you, I have 2 dc's and I am now in my 40's. I had a late loss 18 months ago and I am devastated beyond words. I had a feeling that things weren't right from the start. Not so much of a superstition more of an instinct. I have been ttc. but feel a mixture of sadness and relief that it has not happened because of potential health risks to the baby, given my age. My second daughter was born with a few minor issues but I feel that maybe that was a warning that my eggs are not good. I am trying to come to terms with no more dc. It is hard. It looks as if the decision may be taken out of my hands shortly with the onset of an early menopause. Nevertheless, it is awful being left with this sense of emptiness and all of the what could have beens and yes, I have been obsessive about having another baby. Realistically, I think for me, it would put an enormous strain on our family if I were to have another dc, It seems as if I am struggling to get head space, no extended family support and my dd's naturally require attention. It still hurts though, it's like a heart over head thing and I totally get where you are coming from. I would say it is only recently with the onset of menopausal systems that I am actually starting to accept that two children is it for me though I still struggle to make sense of why ds died. I think it is harder for us ladies in our 40's, many of us just cant rock up and have another dc as you might be able to in your 20's and 30's so it seems even more cruel somehow. No answers unfortunately, I think I will continue to ttc until the bitter end, I can't seem to let go.

Struay0verthesea Wed 28-Sep-16 07:03:38

Hello, I'm sorry for your losses.
I'm in the same boat, with two lovely DCs.
But now after a miscarriage of a pregnancy that happened as soon as we'd decided to "see what happens", it feels like I've arrived at this place of great sadness and feeling like someone is missing.

I know so many people who have gone on to conceive and have a healthy baby after a miscarriage but as with you all I have a fear that we are "pushing our luck". I felt more anxious this time because of my age anyway.

The doctors were quite straightforward about trying again, one said to just treat it as a completely new roll of the dice. Trouble is I feel this dice is now weighted as I am in my 40s and my head tells me not to risk this sadness again or risk putting my other children through having a sick or disabled baby. I don't know though if I'm totally exaggerating the risks, and we both now have a picture of us as a family of 5 and just feel really sad that we are not getting to meet this little baby we had.

It has been really helpful to read this thread and would be good to keep talking if folk can bear it. I am taking some time to just process what's happened, planning some nice things and just look after myself physically.

whateverdoidonext Thu 29-Sep-16 08:53:31

Hi all. I am so, so sorry for your awful losses. One thing about this situation is that I have gone from a rather happy place of optimism and mostly sunshine around baby-making (while completely recognising that it's absolutely not like that for everybody), to somewhere else entirely. I think we should definitely keep talking, if we can. I am one week post-termination now, and feeling in a slightly better frame of mind. A little less superstitious, and a little more able to see this one as terrible bad luck. I will not though feel the same should we have another disaster, and am terrified of that, while also desperate to start trying again as soon as possible. It's very difficult to set yourself up for failure, while desperately wanting to believe it will work out. I know that I should wait for AF at least, but I can hear the clock ticking very loudly, and just don't think I can! Keep in touch everybody, if you can. I will be checking this board regularly.

Struay0verthesea Thu 29-Sep-16 09:03:17

Whatever, thanks for checking back in.
I had a conversation with DH last night that if we do decide to try again (and that in itself gives me anxiety as we got pregnant so easily before I now worry that it may not be so easy) it needs to be with me being absolutely clear about the risks, as I think I will now have a tendency to exaggerate them and if we did get pregnant it would be a very different experience.

It is an awful shift from that happy place to realising that something really crap has happened and I am also having weird thoughts about people judging us as greedy and risk-taking. The logical me knows that most people are probably either quietly feeling sorry for us (I've got other posts about how crap I feel about lack of contact from work colleagues who know what's happened) or are too caught up with their own troubles to give it a second thought.

I have started lurking on the TTC after miscarriage thread, but it's too early for me, and also I really don't want to go down the route of analysing my cycles and timing things.

whateverdoidonext Thu 29-Sep-16 09:58:38

Hi Struay. Totally get all of that, including re cycles and timings etc. Unfortunately I have always had a slightly OCD approach to these things, and for my first two DC did do charting. I'm a slight(!) control freak and think I like it for that reason. Got pregnant first time both times, which I also think gave me a slightly false sense of security about the ease with which baby making happens for us. Also same for me, should we be lucky enough to get pregnant again, it will be very, very different. No longer will I be naïve enough to think pregnancy = bouncing baby. I have found lurking on the TTC after miscarriage threads a bit stressful as there seems to be so much completely understandable heartbreak there.

I'm really sorry that work colleagues have not been understanding. I think people often simply don't know what to say. It's horrible though and very isolating. I am lucky enough to do a job where I am currently working from home a lot, and have hardly seen anybody other than family since this happened. Going to have to get out there soon though. Dreading it!

crusading Wed 05-Oct-16 20:53:48

So sorry for everyone's loses.
Reading your posts, certainly rings true with myself, still in very early days but thinking along similar lines about been selfish, rocking my lovely little world. Have a dd who is perfect and great fun it took 2 years of ttc - have been ttc for just over a year before this pregnancy and considering I will be 40next year not sure if someone is trying to tell me "it's not meant to be" but can't help thinking why not???

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