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After miscarriage husband says no more 😓

(21 Posts)
Ahelpinghand123 Wed 14-Sep-16 17:17:59

Hi all,
Just after some support really, sadly i had a miscarriage last weekend. It was and embryonic pregnancy i was 11wks 5days but everything stopped at 5wks 😓😓😓 im so sad and down, my husband has told me last night that its over , he is going to get the snip . we have 3children and he says that im killing myself by keep having miscarriages (6th one in total) he wasn't nasty in the way he said it, he is doing this to protect me. But it told him i am desperate for that one more baby to complete our family 😓😓 i don't know what to do. Anyone else been through similar Xxxxxxx

RiverTam Wed 14-Sep-16 17:25:07

Similar-ish, in that we have stopped at one DD, after 5 MCs before she was born and 2 after (and I was 42 at that point).

I just couldn't put my body or my emotions through that any more.

flowers for you.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Wed 14-Sep-16 17:34:08

You need to ask yourself why do you need one more baby to make your family complete? What isn't complete about having 3 children?

Ahelpinghand123 Wed 14-Sep-16 18:07:08

Thank you rivertam
Sending you hugs xx
Itslikerainonyourweddingday i don't see your comment being helpful at all. Im still fairly young (27) i always said that. I would live to have 4 children, i didn't mean it in the way you are portraying it, iv just miscarried after spending the last 3mths pregnant and planning things around 4_children...is that really to much to ask? We have room and money for a 4th and mist importantly lots if love ......

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup Wed 14-Sep-16 18:10:48

I'm so sorry. I totally understand what you mean, you know when you're 'done' and you don't feel it! I always wanted 5, I have pushed it with 4 (fingers crossed, I am 8 weeks now). My health was terrible last pregnancy. We will have more, I just wont carry them. Could adoption be an option for you?

Starryeyed16 Wed 14-Sep-16 18:12:21

I don't think PP was being rude, I think what she saying and your DP is your putting yourself through turmoil when you have three beautiful children. 6 miscarriages is a lot op and I'm sure they taken their toll on you flowers could you maybe have some time from ttc rather than him going for the snip and gather your thoughts and process them fully rather than something so final as the snip?

LottieL Wed 14-Sep-16 18:15:41

Maybe your husband can not handle this either. Have you assured him you can cope, and you'd like to continue? I wonder if he reality is he's done with trying, with the emotional roller coaster that is pregnancy and loss, and needs to stop for himself.

FairyAccess Wed 14-Sep-16 18:16:53

I'm sure he wants you to stop to protect you but I am also sure it's to protect himself too. I know we all, understandably, concerntrate on the Mums but the Dads suffer too.

flowersflowersflowersflowers

I am so for your loss.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Wed 14-Sep-16 18:18:37

6 miscarriages is a heartbreaking amount. I had 1 and that was bad enough. I can understand his reasoning. It is hard on BOTH of you when these things happen.

I think however that right now you need to make sure NEITHER of you make any drastic decisions. It's a very bad time to do something permanent as you are in the grief cycle.

He needs to keep things intact and you need to break from TTC. Give yourself time to heal from this loss then discuss together the plan going forward.

Sorry for your loss flowers

Soupandasandwich Wed 14-Sep-16 18:28:58

It's not too much to ask, but sometimes we have to adjust our expectations. We always wanted 4 children, but after 2DCs where I was hospitalised for around 5 months each time and three miscarriages my DH said he couldn't allow me to go through that again. We were both upset but deep down I knew he was right. It wasn't doing my health any good and it was affecting our 2 DCs. Now that my DCs are adults, I know we did the right thing. Our family is complete.

DavidWainwrightsFeet Wed 14-Sep-16 21:14:07

I'm so sorry - this must be terrible for you, and also very distressing for him and probably quite confusing for your children. I agree with everyone else that you probably need to take a break for a while - at 27 you could afford to take a full year out to both get some perspective before making any irreversible decisions.

Ahelpinghand123 Thu 15-Sep-16 07:05:15

Thank you all for your kind and caring messages Xxx

May i add that i my losses were not recurrent, i had loss, live, loss ,live ,loss,loss,loss,live, loss.
My son was a superfetation pregnancy.for those that don't know, i was pregnant at the same time with two separate pregnancys, miscarried at 9weeks with one and carried on to have my gift of a son.
Its very hard to imagine no more pregnancies. We spoke last night , and we are going to leave things for a few months , husband said he would TTC now, but doesn't want me going through the heartache if it doesn't progress. He's left it up to me, and iv said a few months break may make us feel different . we need time to grieve. Today is a hard day i should be getting ready for my 12wk scan 😓

Sending love to all and congratulations to those expecting. Good luck flowers

RiverTam Thu 15-Sep-16 08:45:12

After your 3 recurrent losses you should certainly have been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic, were you not? Because I would go and see them before starting to TTC again.

I agree that you need time to grieve.

LottieL Thu 15-Sep-16 12:19:03

It sounds like your DH is lovely and he's just trying to protect you. Protect yourself too and give yourself a chance before you try again. Maybe talk to doctors and see what can be done to help if you are adamant when you get around to it you want to keep going.
I wish you luck and love. It's all very hard x

freelancegirl Thu 15-Sep-16 12:28:00

Sorry for your losses, it's awful when you suddenly find yourself not pregnant after all the planning. PP is right, you should be eligible to have investigations now.

I understand after so many years of planning pregnancies (both when they have become live children and when they miscarry) it is hard to switch off. I've had 7 pregnancies and 5 miscarriages so I can relate. When I was trying for my first child, after 4 miscarriages, and got to know people on MN who had 2 or 3 kids and were STILL putting themselves through miscarriage to try to have another child I thought they were mad. But now after two kids and still feeling not quite 'done' I completely get it. DH is done though so I have to be done too and sticking at two, something I am trying to adjust to.

Like another PP said many of us have to adjust our expectations about how many children we will have. But do give it time, your DH doesn't sound like he is completely against trying again and you need to give your body a few months to heal. My miscarriage expert says wait two cycles at least. You are really young and realistically have plenty of time to try again if you both decide that's what you want to do. I know how hard it is though, to lose a baby and just want to be pregnant again as soon as possible. Cut yourself some slack and see how you both feel in a couple of months.

Ahelpinghand123 Thu 15-Sep-16 14:49:38

Yes i was, but then found out i was expecting my 3rd live baby and because of this , i wont get any tests or anything unless i have 3 recurrent losses again Xx

Ahelpinghand123 Thu 15-Sep-16 14:51:24

Thanks for all comments , and sorry you have had to go through this also Xxxxx

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo Thu 15-Sep-16 15:23:45

I'm a bit of a hardened veteran when it comes to miscarriage these days after 16 confirmed pregnancies and 1 live birth.

I have a genetic disorder, I would really push for some investigation, it's unfair of them to say well you have to have 3 in a town, no you've had 6 losses that's more than enough for anyone.

I'm really sorry your going through this, I think take a break from TTC push for some tests, and take it a day at a time . flowers

RiverTam Thu 15-Sep-16 15:31:23

I would push for a referral, OP, go private if you can afford to (if it's localish for you, St Mary's in Paddington is the leading hospital for recurrent miscarriage, I got my GP to refer me there as a private patient).

Ahelpinghand123 Thu 15-Sep-16 21:11:47

I will speak with my doctor i have an app on Tues.
However no where near Paddington im in Dorset , my parents say that i should have tests , so going to try and get refered.
So sorry for all your losses sending love xx

OhTheRoses Thu 15-Sep-16 21:23:19

Well just before dd was conceived I'd had four pgs that reached the second trimester and beyond and had one son.

Baby one: 17 weeks
Baby two: Ds1, all well (36.3)
Baby three: MMC 12 weeks
Baby four: DS2, 27 weeks, too unwell to survive

Haven't counted the earlier MCs. With one healthy baby, ds said "that's it, enough, can't do this again. We had the row to end all rows and after a week of not speaking and me feeling it might be over, we had a day out and made up a few days after a consultant gynaecologist advised against getting pregnant pending tests. DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died. Our only unplanned baby.

Good luck op

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