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Time to give up trying? Anyone that has..

(28 Posts)
Yumbun26 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:52:20

Hello i'm 26 have 1 child (5) and have been trying for baby2 for 4 years suffering 6 miscarriages.
I'm wanting to hear from people that have stopped trying and what their life's have been like since.
I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to give up yet (yes I'm totally fed up and emotionally broken with going through this all the time but think I would try until I physically couldn't) my husband on the other hand is wanting to stop trying and start moving on with our life's.
Does time really heal?
At the moment all I can see is my daughter growing up without siblings -never having that bond, becoming an auntie. In a few years time she will stop believing in Santa the tooth fairy.. I don't want all that to end so soon! I know it has to one day but from wanting 4 children to only having one its difficult to change my mind set. I always wanted a busy house full of childrensad but I'm hoping things will get easier with time.

Clairemccarron Sun 11-Sep-16 20:34:18

Hi I hope you get this reply as I see you posted yesterday. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggle your having, I no first hand how sad and disheartening it is. No one can tell you whether you should or shouldn't give up in these circumstances and you and your husband need to do what's right for all of you together. You must be heart broken. I have s 10 year old girl and after that we suffered 9 miscarriages. It took its toll on our marriage and I ended up very very low after the last one. We had passed the 12week 'safe' period a few times. We had all kinds of tests which were really unhelpful as we were told we were incompatible and every child had been very disabled. My husband wanted to give up at one point too which made me even more hurt. In the end, we didn't give up and we fell pregnant. We now have a very healthy and beautiful baby girl who has just turned 11 weeks old. She's a joy and every day I'm so glad I didn't give up! I hope you find the right answer for you and your family but I just wanted to give you a bit of hope that all can still work out. Good luck! Claire

Yumbun26 Sun 11-Sep-16 23:14:53

Thank you so much for taking your time to write flowers You are so strong to have kept going for that long and after going past 12 weeks a lot too, it's a totally different experience when you're that far. We got to 14 weeks on the last it was horrendous I felt like everything would be ok after 12 weeks but baby had a malformationsad. It's so hard to decide what's for the best. Your story lights that spark in my belly that makes me think no I'm not giving up but it's not that easy. My daughter is now 5 and noticing when I've got a 'poorly belly' and asking why we are always sad and talking about having another baby. I really don't want it to start effecting her sad it takes over your life in a lot of ways doesn't it. I just want it all to be over and move forward with our life's but be happy too and I'm not sure if I will be. I feel like I will always have the jealousy of pregnant women, large families, close sibling bonds and the feeling of wanting another child hanging over me until I die sad xx

JCleRoux Sun 11-Sep-16 23:31:57

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers. I don't have any words of advise really as I'm also asking myself the same thing. I too have a five year old and I've had three pregnancy losses in the past year and with each one it has become more and more heart breaking. My DH doesn't want to continue trying. I'm still hopeful and want to try again. I would suggest you take your time to heal and do what feels right for you. Be kind to yourself and hang in there

loz12345 Mon 12-Sep-16 06:23:42

I am so sorry for your loss flowers.

I have no real words of advise, but me and dh have spent the last year discussing (arguing) about the same thing.

My ds is a similar age and is starting to know what's going on. I think you will know when it is time for you to stop I am having mc at the moment and this time is different I am no less heart broken but I don't have that desire to try again. I hope that you do not have to get to this point just take some time to heal x x x

insideout2016 Mon 12-Sep-16 06:36:07

Hello, so sorry for your losses. I had 4 miscarriages and each one ate away at me and it was awful. We were on the fence too about continuing. But we just couldn't give up.

Then I had a serious illness which robbed me of my fertility and made the decision for us - and I was glad! (Not about the illness obvs!)

When I had no choice in the matter I could move on. We got our life back, started seeing dd as our world and invested in her growing up rather than waiting for our complete family before planning things and enjoying life etc.

That was 2 years ago and I don't really think about it all now. The 3 of us are a team and we are happy and I see loads of benefits of only having 1.

Clairemccarron Mon 12-Sep-16 08:25:57

I can understand the jealousy and envy of pregnant woman it's so hard to see that's henhouse going through what you aresad my sister and SIL were both pregnant, different times but I was pregnant too and lost both times. I started pulling away from people and my husband emmersed himself in work which made me feel even lonelier. My daughter was only aware of one as she found my 15 week scan. I lost the week after and had to explain to her that having a baby was like planting a seed and not every one turned into a flower. Thankfully it was still abstract enough for her not to be emotionally involved. The other posters are right, you need to heal a bit before making any type of decision. I know it's easier said than done. Last May I decided that I had become consumed and so decided to do a course in Botox and fillers (I'm a nurse) it was exciting, I was happy and best of all my mind was occupied. My body was healing with happiness and I fell preg with my little Ruby in October same year. I'm not saying go do Botox smile but be good to yourself and your family and try not to let this take over. I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to happen it will. You sound like a strong and caring person. Enjoy your life again and everything will fall into place I promise. All my love to you xx

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 13:15:22

Thank you all so much for your replies it really means a lot flowers and I am so sorry for all your losses!xx
JCleRoux you are so strong for not giving up and losing that hope it's hard when one of you wants to continue trying and the other doesn't. My hubby decided he wanted to stop last time but felt guilty like he was stopping me so we tried again but got us no where sadxx
Loz12334 I feel like I am at that stage now too I've lost hope to carry on I think. I'm currently mc too so sat her crying reading all your messages with a hot water bottle around my stomach wishing it would just be over!
insideout2016 I know what you mean been glad about the illness making it the end for you. I think that's the only time I wouldn't feel so guilty if the choice was made for me. It's so lovely to hear that 2 years on you are happy and enjoying your life as the 3 of you. I hope I feel this way. That's the main thing im worried about - being happy.
Clairemccarron it's so hard when other people are pregnant around the same time as you isn't it that happened with a lot of my friends (who sadly I no longer speak to probably from distancing myself) all I do now is think my baby would have been that age, doing that now etc sad a lot of people tell me to live life and see what happens but I'm going to have to use some contraception as I get pregnant very easily so it wouldn't just 'happen' for me out of the blue one day.
I'm starting a childcare course this week and hoping that will take my mind off things. Hopefully then go on to pursue another career and move forward with my life.
Are any of you worried about your children been an only child? I don't know why this bugs me so much I just worry when she's older and doesn't have anyone to turn to. Also my two sisters are both 10 years older/younger than me so my youngest niece is 10 until my younger sister has children but that won't be for a long time so my daughter has no close cousins/other family members around her age which makes it all worse sad xxx

loz12345 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:22:37

Yum, I am sorry you are going through this.

It is so hard I am the same as you and fall pregnant sooo easily so we are having to have the contraception discussion I think dh is going to have the snip, I had the implant and it didn't agree with me and I am rubbish with the pill so it's his turn it's a bit drastic and I do worry about it but we are in our mid 30's and don't want to be dealing with a newborn in our early late 30's early 40's.

I hope you enjoy your course that sounds really exciting if not bad timing.

I worry about the only child thing too, but I am one and it hasn't done me any harm (even if I do like to get my own way lol). Tbh ds is more confident than his friends with siblings as he is quite happy to go up to other kids and ask them to play he would like a rabbit or cat more than a sibling at this point and having a sibling doesn't always mean you have a good relationship dh hasn't spoken to his in years.

I hope you are feeling ok, just take a bit of time before you do anything you will know what is right for your family in time x x x

KittyandTeal Mon 12-Sep-16 16:28:41

Yum I'm sorry you are in this situation.

I have dd1 who is 3 (almost 4) we lost dd2 at 22 weeks to T18 and recently lost ds at 14 weeks for unknown reasons.

We have decided to stop. Both of our losses have been heartbreaking. I was very ill when pregnant with dd2 and beside myself with anxiety with ds. I simply cannot do that again. I'm not sure I could get through another loss and so I have had a coil fitted and called it a day. People tell me I will change my mind but I won't. Dh agrees although he would try again if I was desperate.

It's been 6 months since making our decision. I'm accepting it, I still find pregnant women hard to see and tiny babies but I'm getting better.

I'm focusing my energy on running. I know it sounds odd but I'm doing something I love that I couldn't do if I got pregnant or had a tiny baby. I'm raising money for a charity that supported us a lot through dd2s diagnosis and our termination for medical reasons. It's not made it better but it's a bit of a distraction and the time on my own running helps my brain process the losses and the grief of not having another.

I think you have to treat it as another type of grief and allow yourself to grieve for the family you thought you'd have but won't. I'd alway pictured myself with 2 children but that isn't possible now. I find the whole 'only child' things you hear very hard and struggle with the idea that dd1 won't grow up with a sibling but there is nothing I can do about it.

insideout2016 Mon 12-Sep-16 18:02:19

Kittyandteal - I think that there is such a stigma around having an only child that it makes it harder to accept it. You feel like you've done something wrong for your child but in reality, they don't know any different and plenty of people are only children!

KittyandTeal Mon 12-Sep-16 18:28:25

I agree inside, it does feel like a stigma. I feel like people are waiting for the selfish, non sharing side of her 'only child-ness' when in reality she's 3 and actually very social.

I somehow feel like I've done her out of a sibling and she's suffering for it sometimes. However I've also done her out of a mum who is constantly worried about getting pregnant, suffering the stress of trying, possibly another stressful pregnancy with a higher than average chance of her having to say goodbye to another baby she was excited about.

I figure I've just chosen the best if 2 rubbish options.

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:31:33

Thank you Loz you too sad
I'm going to go back on my pill it's worked well for me over the years. I don't think dh would even be able to get the snip yet as we are only 26 but will be something to think about in the future.
It's strange you are worried about the only child thing when you are one too? I'm hoping dd meets a husband who has lots of siblings and therefore still becomes auntie sister-in-law etc. She is also very confident and has lots of friends which is good. I'll just have to temporarily adopt her friends for the day/week when their older and take them on holidays etc smile
I hope your mc is going as well as it can go big hugs flowers xxx

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:40:23

KittyandTeal thank you for taking your time to tell your story I feel for you it sounds horrendous I'm so sorry flowers
I'm so glad you took time to write as this is just what I needed to hear someone who has decided to stop and coming to terms with moving on. Running sounds really good it will release a lot of stress and make you healthier and doing it for such a good cause makes it even better. Thank you for your message at the end about grieving I never thought of it like that but that's exactly what I need to do. I had an idea of 3-4 children I've always wanted a full busy house and when I'm old and grey loads of grand children visiting. I hated coming home to an empty house the day my dd started school it's far too quite! But time to think of a different future and hopefully still be happy with that xx

LuchiMangsho Mon 12-Sep-16 20:48:34

I have one child, I have had miscarriages. I am currently pregnant, but I have been at this stage before and lost the baby, so I'm not holding out hope.
However, I am also an only child. And while it really really hurts not to be able to give DS, who is really kind and loving and adores babies, a little sibling, I also know that as an only child, I had a lovely life. I had TONS of friends, I'm very sociable, and growing up I literally never ever felt I was missing out on anything. In fact, in a weird way, I didn't compute that being an only child was something unusual, or something to be commented upon until I became an adult and people began to ask me about it.

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 20:50:25

Kitty - I know what you mean about feeling like you have done dd out of a sibling I feel the same really guilty and wondering what she's going to think when she's older. Dh thinks I'm silly and when she's old enough to hear what happened she will totally understand.
I also feel like other mums look at me and think I can't cope or I don't enjoy been a parent and that's why I haven't had any more children confused if people ask I will tell them we can't have anymore just because I don't want them to think I don't want anymore because that's the thing I want more than anything in the world X

LuchiMangsho Mon 12-Sep-16 20:57:21

Btw I'm an only child because my mum had multiple miscarriages and two stillbirths after I was born. I cannot emphasise enough how little it mattered that I was an only child growing up. This was because I had very involved parents- I was given tons of opportunities, and while they were very strict Asian parents, I was also included in everything. I do not ever remember being bored as a child. I also had cousins and aunts and uncles around, and in fact, to this day, the only thing being an only child has done for me, is that sometimes I just need my space/privacy.
I'm close to my parents and I do not ever recall my mum saying that anyone commented on why I was a single child. She must have suffered heartache, but I now realise that as a 35 year old, I had literally no clue as a child, and supremely happy childhood.

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:01:25

Your message made me cry with happiness and hopefulness thank you flowers (I'm an emotional wreck) and I wish you all the luck for this pregnancy fingers and toes crossed for you!!!
My dd also adores babies and is so good with toddlers it makes me sad she won't ever see me with a growing belly and have a sibling to love and care for sad.
I can only hope she is as happy and doesn't feel she is missing out on anything as she grows up smile Thank you xx

CatherineDeB Mon 12-Sep-16 21:03:32

We gave up after ten miscarriages, some before and some after having one baby.

Some were late, the toll on my health was not inconsiderable.

We are very happy as a family of three.

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:09:25

There I go again Luchi (with the tears) that's so so lovely to hear and has helped more than you know flowers your poor mum and dad what they have gone through sad I suppose it makes the children/child we have extra special!! I can only hope my dd has a wonderful childhood like you did although I'm sure she will as I will make it my mission smile I'm probably worrying so much about her been an only child and she will laugh at me when she's older for been so silly! Xx

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:11:20

Thank you Catherine so sorry for your losses flowers but so happy to hear you are happy as a family of 3 smile xx

Yumbun26 Mon 12-Sep-16 21:16:22

Does recurrent miscarriage run in the family? Just from LuchiMangsho saying your parents had it and now you are suffering the heartache? confused I pray not sad X

LuchiMangsho Mon 12-Sep-16 21:43:39

Possibly. My 1st cousin had 3 miscarriages (mum's sister's daughter) as well. We all conceive our first really easily and then struggle.

LuchiMangsho Mon 12-Sep-16 21:46:34

I can remember the moment as well. I was 26 and the New York Times had carried this article on 'only children and their feeling of loss' and I remember reading it with incredulity thinking WTF? It read like a total projection of people with siblings imagining how we might have felt. I was seriously 26, before I even spent any time thinking about the issue of being an only child!

KittyandTeal Tue 13-Sep-16 08:14:09

Luchi I just want to say thank you. Hearing from an adult who is in the same position as my dd1 is brilliant.

You have literally just blown my worries for her out of the water!

I'm generally ok and accepting of my situation now but I do have pangs of 'what should have been'

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