Surgery for miscarriage on Wednesday - feeling scared

[Hayls88]

Hi,
I'm new to mumsnet, I just felt I need to write something down and see if anyone can help rather than spending anymore hours Googling all this.

My baby was suppose to be 11 weeks and routine scan Friday showed it stopped growing at 8+1 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I spent the weekend looking for strands of hope and requested another scan, which I had this morning. Which confirmed what Friday's scan had said.

So now I'm left to face the difficultly of it all and have chosen 'Surgical Management', because physically (still feeling very much pregnant with nausea etc etc) and emotionally/mentally I don't feel I can cope with the alternatives.

I'm petrified of the surgery. Not the actual surgery part but of the waking up part. I've had 2 General Anaesthetics before and have felt so ill for a week afterwards. I just wondered how other felt when they woke up from this 'procedure'? The nurse said its light so wouldn't be too bad but I don't feel like anything the hospital says right now is manageable.

I've read a lot of ladies stories but they only mention the bleeding part and not if you feel any nausea etc.

I know in the circumstances this is really the last thing you'd think I'd be worrying about, but I just don't feel like I could take that illness after all of this. I'm heart-broken.

Thanks in advance

[Banana82]

Hey Hayls. I'm sorry you are going through this. I also lost my baby at 8 weeks and underwent an MVA (manual vacuum aspiration) last week.

I was offered the full surgical route but I declined as like you, my last anaesthetic was awful. I was out of it for a week, low blood pressure, passing out, vomiting.

If it's any reassurance, the midwife also told me that the anaesthetic is light and the procedure is 10/15 mins. I've only had an anaesthetic before for a major op so maybe they aren't really comparable.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with some actual advice! Just wanted to tell you my experience and to say your not alone.

[Disastronaut]

I've had two losses at about the same time as you and have had 'surgical management' for both. It was absolutely fine. It's a very light anaesthetic, the procedure is quick and the bleeding afterwards wasn't horrendous. I had no headaches or vomiting, only some cramping.

But anaesthetics affect people differently, some have a much more severe reaction than others, so there's no guarantee how you'll feel. But don't assume it'll be awful and try not to be afraid.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's grim

[Hayls88]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your messages and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this too. It's like suddenly I've been exposed to a whole world of grief out there that others are going through that I never really gave more than a passing thought of in the past - probably because it's just not something that's comprehendible. I now understand every detail of what this feels like and it's such a painful wound.

The other thing that I'm just not able to make any decision about is what to do after with the baby. I'm finding it hard to make so many huge decisions in such a short space of time, all whilst greiving. Some part of me just wishes all the decisions were made for me and I just had to get through it, without having to think about it all.
What did everyone else here decide to do?

Just searching for some ground to stand on at the moment.

Hope some more answers about the anaesthetic recovery, and choices after the baby is delivered, come forward.

Thank you all...

[MonkeyPoozzled76]

Hi Hayls, so sorry this has happened to you too. Its so incomprehensibly horrible and just so unfair.

I went through the surgical procedure last week, I was 10+3 and the baby just about 10 weeks. I was shown nothing but kindness and compassion from all the staff, it was awful but they really looked after me and made me feel safe.

I was terrified about the general anaesthetic. I had a pretty major operation on my mouth 18 years ago and a very bad reaction to the GA. It was badly handled and I ended up with panic attacks for 10 years afterwards.

I told the doctor immediately about my previous experience and he got the Anaesthetist to come and talk to me quickly. She was brilliant, so reassuring, and was suitably horrified when I explained what had happened to me previously. She explained that this would be a very quick, light anaesthetic and as soon as I was awake I'd be aware of my surroundings. She advised I'd have pain meds and I'd be given anti sickness too. I got her to talk me through how and where I'd go to sleep, and how I'd wake up and if I'd have a mask on, would I be on a bed, and so on. Everything went just as she'd explained, DH came with me to the door then I had a nurse and two Anaesthetists looking after me. I was given the first dose into the back of my hand, they explained I'd feel dizzy ( I did, it was a bit grim), then the second dose and I just closed my eyes. Next moment I was wake in the recovery room with a nurse with me. I'd been having a dream and was peeved I woken in the middle of it! I was sleepy but calm and comfortable, so much so I went back to sleep. I think I was in recovery for 30 mins and was then taken back to the ward. I had my eyes closed all the way back up the corridors as I didn't the the feeling of being wheeled along.

Once I was back on the ward I was a bit shakey as I was apparently cold so I got wrapped in an extra blanket. I was obviously very upset about having the procedure but was completely aware of my surroundings and didn't feel sick at all. I was a bit alarmed I'd not got any knickers on so the nurse helped me with that.

It was all so quick the nurses had to phone DH to come back to me as I'd made him promise to go and get himself some food, he was amazed just how 'with it' I was when he got back to me.

I felt absolutely fine to go home after I'd had a drink and eaten a bit of toast, was fine to get dressed, got to the loo then walk to the car and back into the house. I've not felt any effects from the the GA at all. Physically I've been really ok, little pain, little bleeding, if anything this has made the whole thing feel very surreal but I think because of the enormity of the emotional trauma of what has happened it's probably good to minimise the physical side of things if at all possible.

With regards to the question about what to do with the remains of the baby, I just had no idea I'd even be asked, it hadn't even crossed my mind and it completely floored me when asked so I'm glad you are forewarned. It's an awful thing to talk about and I really don't want to upset you or anyone else but I'll explain what was offered to me and what I chose. I was given four options, hospital appointed funeral directors, private funeral directors, to be given the remains myself or to dispose of them as per trust policy. Neither DH nor I are religious so the funeral options seemed too much and too formal.

I'd though about if the misscarriage had happened naturally and I'd delivered the complete baby at home I'd like to have our own little service in the garden perhaps and bury him and plant a special tree in memory. I don't know.

Because of how the procedure has to be completed (the doctor will explain exactly how, DH didn't know and this really upset him) I couldn't imagine what I'd be given at the end and I really didn't think of it as my baby. This is just me, so if you feel different then I'm sorry to speak like this. I asked that the remains be dealt with as per Trust policy. Writing it down now this feels callous but it's all I could do at the time.

DH and I habe talked about doing something to remember our baby by, a tree would be lovely, something to grow, something tangible, but we are moving soon so not sure. I feel like I want a tiny little tattoo to carry with me always, something visable I can touch. I've not mentioned this to DH yet, I'm the least likely person to have a tattoo and he'd probably think I'd been at the gin!

I really hope that wasn't too hard to read, I couldn't find any 'real' information and didn't know who to ask. I think I may ask for a copy of my scan when Im feeling a bit stronger although I may change my mind. I did get some brilliant support from the ladies here though which I'm so thankful for.

Sending you much strength and hugs.

[GetTheVolvoVal]

I'm so sorry you lost your baby

I was in your exact position 2 years ago almost to the day. For me the surgical option made everything easier to deal with. I woke up gently from the anaesthetic and went home about 2 hours later. I didn't need any pain relief and just had some mild cramping. Bleed/spotting for about 3 weeks after.

With regards to what to do after, at our hospital the baby's remains were cremated at the local crematorium and the ashes scattered in the garden there, I took a great deal of comfort from that. Maybe yours will do similar.

I wish you a speedy recovery. It's an absolutely shit thing to go through and it will take time to get over (if that's the right phrase)

[Banana82]

Hayls we were given the option of arranging something ourselves for the baby or the hospital would do it. I chose the hospital to deal with it. My baby along with other babies lost are all cremated at a local cemetery and the ashes scattered in the SANDS garden they have there. This does give me some comfort.

Like monkey I also want to do something to mark my baby but we are also moving soon so not sure what. Maybe a rose bush in the new house? I'm not sure yet.

[MonkeyPoozzled76]

I've just had to re-read the information I was given about this as I'd not thought about it at all until I wrote everything down and I was suddenly really worried about what had happened. My baby together, with the others lost before twelve weeks, are buried in the local cemetery after being blessed by the Hospital Chaplin, I'd not taken this in at the time and although I'd not wanted anything religious this is comforting to know.

I'm still going to take some time to think of something for DH and I to do together...

[Hayls88]

Thanks everyone for your comforting messages and taking time to write to me.
Requesting a last scan before surgery tomorrow to be 100% and praying God will intervene if I'm doing the wrong thing. Such a hard decision to take into my hands.

Hoping if surgery has to happen that I'll feel ok soon afterwards and start to move through it all. Still haven't decided to do with baby if surgery goes ahead. I have an option to kept it at hospital and collect within 30 days, or they'll cremate as usual if uncollected, so I might see how I feel a few days after to make the decision. Not looking forward to being separated from my baby.

[Hayls88]

Ps. My husband and I bought a ring on the day we found out that I will wear always. It's actually been very comforting.

[ChocolateRaisin]

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I had the procedure in June and like you, was absolutely petrified of the GA. I actually had a panic attack in the theatre before anything happened because I was so frightened and just so overwhelmed by the huge sense of loss I felt for the baby I would never get to know. I think unless it happens to you, no one can understand the feelings you go through.

The GA was absolutely fine, I came round very quickly and was discharged within 45 mins of waking up. It is a quick procedure and very light GA. My best friends came round that evening to make sure I was 'OK' and I had a few glasses of wine and felt no ill effects.

Only you can decide what you want afterwards, my baby was cremated and ashes scattered in the hospital garden.

Time is a healer. I felt very raw for quite some time, I'm feeling a lot stronger now and have just started to ttc again.

Take time for yourself, don't rush back to work. I thought I would never get over it but I have come to terms with it now. Just look after yourself

[MonkeyPoozzled76]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Hayls. You will be able to keep your ring on tomorrow, the nurse will just put a little bit of tape over it for you.

[BelleEtoile]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx