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Finding the aftermath of mmc much harder than I expected. Any ideas?

(61 Posts)
sureitsgrand Fri 19-Aug-16 17:21:46

I had a mmc a week ago. I had a feeling something wasn't right at 11 weeks so went to hospital. I wasn't told much, though they said there was no heartbeat. Stupidly I held out hope till Monday (I knew deep down what no heartbeat meant, but tried to convince myself there was a mistake).
I returned Monday, they confirmed mmc and had d&c Tuesday. Physically I'm recovering well, with minor bleeding.
Mentally...not so good! I feel isolated (Though everyone has been lovely who I've told) and extremely sorry for myself. I'm being very passive aggressive to my DH. (example-'Are you OK love?' l'What do you think, I've just lost a baby').
I'm hoping someone will just tell me what to do. I feel lost.
I have an 18 month old DS, I need to be OK for him.

Banana82 Fri 19-Aug-16 18:43:55

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's truely heartbreaking. I had an MVA (manual vacuum aspiration) on Wednesday. My baby died at 8 weeks.

I also feel very alone and am struggling with my feelings. I'm very teary and just feel a deep deep sadness. I thought I was coping well. I had almost 2 weeks between the miscarriage being confirmed and the procedure and was doing ok in that time but since Wednesday I'm shocked at how hard I'm finding it.

I also have a 2 year old to look after. DH is being great but I can't help but think he doesn't truely know how I feel.

I have no real advice just that you aren't alone. If you want to PM me then please do. I don't have many people to talk to about this either. flowers

sureitsgrand Fri 19-Aug-16 21:08:58

Yeah it's just shit isn't it. DH just poured me a wine, and I can't bring myself to drink it, because it's like admitting it really is over. Though it's been a week since I knew, procedure was only on Tuesday. It feels so raw still. I don't want to 'get on with things'

sureitsgrand Fri 19-Aug-16 21:10:11

By the way, thank you for the kind words, and I'm sorry you are also going through this. I hope it gets easier for us both soon

MonkeyPoozzled76 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:05:11

Sure and Banana, just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat too. Found out I'd had a MMC on Wednesday at 10+3, baby was perfectly formed and measured 10+, I too knew something was wrong before the scan somehow and was very upset before I even saw the screen. I had the surgical procedure yesterday. I'm also OK physically, little pain or bleeding but just totally emotionally broken.

I really don't have any advice but just wanted to say your both not alone and I'm be glad of someone to talk to also.

This was my first pregnancy and DH is being supportive but it's just so surreal. I poured myself a proper coffee this morning then threw it away as I just couldn't drink it.

We had the next six months measured out and planned, I'm not working at the moment so had lots of little projects in mind relating to the baby, just a bit lost now.

Really hope you are both ok tonight, it's just so shit isn't it. flowers

sureitsgrand Fri 19-Aug-16 23:36:28

Thanks Monkey. Sorry you are going through this too.I totally know what you mean, pouring the coffee away. Nice to know none of us are alone. Incidentally, I drank some wine eventually. I don't feel better, but I don't feel worse either.

Banana82 Sat 20-Aug-16 09:13:02

Oh monkey. So sad to hear someone else is going through this. I'm emotionally broken. I didn't know I could actually feel so sad. So nice to speak to other people who understand although I wish we all didn't have to feel this pain. Hope you are both doing ok this morning. I tend to feel my worst in the evening when my toddler is in bed and I have time to myself. Hugs to you both today. flowers

sureitsgrand Sat 20-Aug-16 09:24:04

Yeah, I find mornings I feel OK, funny enough. It's the afternoon and evening I begin to falter. I'm up and dressed this morning and bringing DS shopping. I find staying in, in my Pj's makes things worse

Banana82 Sat 20-Aug-16 09:42:18

Definitely a good idea Sure. We are also going shopping this morning for a few hours. I feel quite detached though. Like I'm just moving about but not really there if that makes sense.

TheLegendOfBeans Sat 20-Aug-16 09:50:49

Just here to say yep and I hear you. My pg ended at 11w and the end was v traumatic. That happened 8 Aug.

Went back to work this week, loads of ladies pregnant. Some I knew about but some that took me by surprise and these are the ones that have made me cry - much much much more than I realised I could.

I can see a pg lady and be completely fine with it. It's just the work pregnants that kill me for some reason.

Plus, snappy PA reactions to lovely DP here too. I feel like a big, sad bitch. We have a wonderful 6mo DD already. She's the light of my life and I think I'd have lost it by now if it wasn't for her.

Oh, it's crap, innit. I just want to be pregnant again and for it to just be ALL FINE.

Banana82 Sat 20-Aug-16 19:45:21

Oh beans. Sorry to hear you are also suffering. It's hard when people announce their pregnancies but I'm just trying to think that they may have suffered miscarriages and we don't know. Still so hard though.

Sure and Monkey I hope you are both doing ok this evening. I'm not sure if this is normal but I've had some pretty big clots today. I have quite intense period type pain then a huge clot. So sorry if this is tmi. I just don't know who to ask. I'm talking golf ball size.

sureitsgrand Sat 20-Aug-16 20:08:53

Banana, I'm no expert but if it continues maybe get it checked? Mine is very light now. I'm out for dinner, feel like a total fraud just pretending all is ok?! But can't sit in the house being a total bitch to my DH any longer. Oh girls, we will get through it, got to be strong.

MonkeyPoozzled76 Sat 20-Aug-16 22:30:25

Hello ladies and hello Beans, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard week back at work, none of this is fair at all. I've had a wobbler over Facebook tonight, baby bump pics just sent me over the edge, but at least I can just log off that for now, not so easy at work. sad

It's been an odd day here. I've not slept for more than a couple of hours at a time since Tuesday so am really struggling. I think it may be the GP on Monday for some knock out drops for me, I'm sure I'd feel a little more human.

Managed to have a chat about everything with DH this evening, he's completely supporting me but never has been one for big emotional chats so it was a big deal. I was trying to explain the physical feelings of being pregnant and seeing my body change then it all just going in the blink of an eye. I seem to be worst first thing when I wake as for a second I forget what's happened then it hits me full force. He said he felt exactly the same when his passed away (DH was 18 at the time) but he promised me that that awful feeling will go bless him.

Bannana hope your bleeding and clots have calmed down. I called the ward yesterday for advice as am having sharp cramps but no bleeding. The nurse was great, explained that everyone has different bleeding after, some light, some heavy. I was freaking out as I'd been told mine would be heavier than my usual periods (which are horrific) so I was completely bemused at nothing. I have a carrier bag of maternity pads ready here. She did say though that it's really common to have nothing for a few days, whilst hormone levels are still high, then start passing big clots and bleed more heavily for a while. She said that the blood can pool in your uterus then be expelled as a big clot (egg sized!) So I wasn't to be alarmed if this happens......hmm

Stepping directly into the realms of TMI I've also had terrible pains pooing, apparently this is completely normal too. It freaked me out no end at 5am this morning, I wish I'd been pre-warned. Give the ward a call if you are still worried, it really helped me.

Sure I hope you enjoyed your dinner, I've informed DH we are out for a walk and lunch tomorrow, it's no good being cooped up in the house.

Sending hugs to you all flowers

MonkeyPoozzled76 Sat 20-Aug-16 22:34:13

*should say when DH's dad passed away...

Littlebigcat Sun 21-Aug-16 13:27:09

Sorry to hear you are all going through this too. I found out I'd had an MMC on Wednesday at 12+2, there was just an empty sac.

I went for the managed route, which I think has worked, took a second set of pills this morning to make sure. I'm hoping it has worked because Friday night was truely horrendous.

Also not coping with emotions very well. We had been ttc our second baby for 9 months and I'm completely heartbroken it's ended this way. I'm just a mixture of numb and can't stop crying. I have to try and act ok for my 3 year old DS but the only thing keeping me positive is the hope of a heathy pregnancy/baby in the future (but feels so uncertain right now).

Wine isn't making me feel better either, just tastes wrong doesn't it?

Lots of hugs to you all flowers

sureitsgrand Sun 21-Aug-16 18:19:31

Welcome littlebigcat, sorry for your loss. I'm still not doing great, I've spent alot of the day in bed. I am just still very emotional. The fact it's raining and miserable and we can't really get out in the fresh air isn't helping I think.

TheLegendOfBeans Sun 21-Aug-16 20:41:15

It's the waves of exhausted rage that get me. I found the whole experience 10x more physically exhausting than I thought it could ever be.

Outwardly I'm fine. Mentally I'm mostly ok now too. But I have been absolutely shattered this weekend and it's probably a "hangover" from my not being fully physically over what's happened. The tiredness is overwhelming and tiredness = anxious feeling = bad and sad thoughts.

I'm so glad this thread was started. Seems a fair few of us were hit by the same truck at the same time. X

sureitsgrand Sun 21-Aug-16 22:58:11

It is nice to know you aren't alone. A couple of people have already asked me how long will I wait before trying again confused I can't even think about that.
I really hope tomorrow is better.

Banana82 Mon 22-Aug-16 08:18:26

Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a couple of days but wanted to stop by. I see you all as a little support group. I'm back at work tomorrow. I'm pretty scared. I will be fine then literally the tears will just flow. Often not triggered by anything.

Welcome littlebigcat. Sorry to read someone else is suffering.

Sure, some people can be quite insensitive. Someone asked me that question. I don't want to try again. I don't want another baby I wanted this baby.

Today is the first day just me and my DS since the op. I just hope he isn't a complete handful today.

sureitsgrand Mon 22-Aug-16 08:33:15

Banana, I'm the same, just randomly starting to cry. My DH was great at first. But I think he doesn't really know what to say anymore. I am due back to work on Thursday but I'm not sure if I can face it to be honest.
I work in a caring role, and have to be pretty positive in work.

MonkeyPoozzled76 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:40:14

Hello all, just checking in. Welcome Littlebogcat. I hope you've all made it through the day as best as can be. I had a tough day yesterday and this morning wasn't good but am a bit more together this evening. Although the random bursting into tears is not stopping anytime soon.

Sure my DH has been struggling with me too, he's been fab so far but this morning was hard, I think he's just run out of stuff to say too. He's talked to a close friend, turns out his wife suffered a loss at 10 weeks too before they had their two girls. I think I forget he's sad too. Its hard.

I have been into town and to the supermarket with DH which was horrid but helped I think and have been to see my lovely GP.

I have antibiotics as she thinks I may have an infection as have some pains and bleeding today, I also have some sleeping tablets as I just can't sleep for more than a couple of hours before my head starts going round in circles.

I'm not working at all at the moment, DH is usually away four times a month for a few days at a time. I'm very lucky he's been able to be here with me till next week but I'm very aware I need to keep busy once he's back at work. In the midst of all this we've had an offer on our house today so I'm going to busy myself dealing with all that entails next week.

Banana and sure I'll be thinking of you both back at work, I hope it'll be a distraction at least but I also hope you can take more time if you need.

TheLegendOfBeans Mon 22-Aug-16 22:42:32

...and now I find out one of my closest chums is pg. I am happy for her (I honestly am, polycystic ovaries etc) but seeing her progress will be a constant reminder of where I "should" be.

God, I'm such a fucking cow. This m/c has really turned me into a shrivelled, crumply ball of hate. At least I can keep it together for my DD.

TheLegendOfBeans Mon 22-Aug-16 22:44:31

Monkey an infection is definitely not what you need right now. You sound megastrong. I'd be going round the bend.

Good luck to you guys returning to work. Again, you're made of tough stuff. Just be kind to yourselves x

Banana82 Tue 23-Aug-16 09:40:15

Thanks Beans. I'm back at my desk now and struggling. How can everything be the same as before? Just feels odd today. Really missing my DS as well. Normally I'm glad of a hot cup of tea and adult company. Not today though.

Mybugslife Tue 23-Aug-16 09:47:19

I really wish I had some advice for you.
I suffered s mmc at 12 weeks last year, after loosing my son at 21 weeks. I too felt isolated and just didn't think I'd ever be able to carry on.
I know it's not what anyone wants to hear (I know I didn't at the time) but time really is a healer. You will never ''get over'' loosing a baby but you will find a new normal and the loss will just be part of you.
Be kind to yourself, if you want to mope around all day do it! You're more entitled than ever. If you feel like getting up and out for a walk/to work/out to dinner, do it!
Talk to your DH. Tell him you're sorry for being passive aggressive to him but you don't know how to cope, I'm sure he will understand and just wants to make you feel better, don't forget he lost his baby too.

You are so very strong and there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise xx

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