Losing twins please handhold, I don't even understand

(51 Posts)
Emptyandscared Fri 05-Aug-16 13:27:57

Had minor bleed month ago put on bed rest, was 9 weeks. Started bleeding v late weds night 13+4 admitted local hospital but was moved yesterday to specialist unit when scan looked ok but bleeding worsened overnight and scan this morn showed no heartbeats.

Am traumatised beyond words & am also alone and I don't understand what is happening - first doctor said need D&C but now another is saying that's not possible & need be induced as D&C may not be effective. I cannot face labouring, I just can't but he was clear D&C not option but just not explaining in any way I understand, my brain seems to have just shut down, I just can't believe this is happening.

Please tell me what to ask as there must be surgery option? Labour now know all lost terrifying & barbaric and I just cannot face. DP can't get here until tonight & I am just so fucking lost. I can't believe all was ok & now not ok.

LocalEditorEssex Fri 05-Aug-16 13:29:25

I am so sorry flowers

Is there any one else who can be with you? Parent, friend?

LewisAndClark Fri 05-Aug-16 13:35:36

I'm so very sorry. What an awful thing to happen. I hope you're ok.

SestraClone Fri 05-Aug-16 13:37:03

I am sorry this is happening, I had guessed this is what the "different outcome" was sad

SestraClone Fri 05-Aug-16 13:37:59

Can your DP be with you? Or a close friend or family member?

MasterOfTheDIYBookcase Fri 05-Aug-16 13:39:27

flowers

I am sending you a virtual hug. I can't imagine what you are going through. If you don't understand what the GP is saying, ask him to explain it again and a bit more in depth. You can't be expected to understand the medical side of things unless you are a medical professional. My heart is going out to you.

ArmySal Fri 05-Aug-16 13:42:08

Oh God OP, heartfelt condolences, genuinely flowers

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Fri 05-Aug-16 13:43:34

I am so sorry. Is there anyone who can be with you until your DP can get there, and help talk to the doctors?

Fostec1 Fri 05-Aug-16 13:45:44

I am so sorry for you.

I had a medically managed miscarriage, where the heartbeat had stopped at 15 weeks and also one at 9 weeks. I didn't have a d and c as there is potentially more chance of further complications in conceiving/holding a pregnancy and was anxious about going on to have a healthy pregnancy.

The docs gave me a tablet to induce labour and another one a number of hours later. It was not pleasant but not painful. At the time it was awful seeing the "baby" but actually looking back it was a great healing thing to do. I also had googled fetus images at the stage I was to prepare myself. I don't think the medics are the best at warning you how emotionally draining this time is.

If you do go down this route one thing to find out is whether you will be on the labour ward or not. Nobody prepared me for being in an area where I could hear healthy babies being born.

Again, I am so sorry for you and send you lots of love.

Emptyandscared Fri 05-Aug-16 14:01:06

Too scared explain why dp can't be here until later other than to do w his job & he just can't but it's not bc he is some kind of uncaring person and noone else knew & I just can't face suddenly ringing someone. I can't bear even the pitying looks & words of lovely midwives & am literally just turned to wall to avoid eyecontact. I can't believe how much I've failed or that was so fucking stupid believed safe when made it to 12 weeks. This is my fault, I can't explain why but brought this on myself.

I need understand what now but midwife reply was to wait for doctor and I can't google as when did earlier it brought up image of two perfectly formed tiny tiny but real babies which just killed me. Does anyone pls pls PLS know why they are saying need deliver as cannot cannot face that.

Queenbean Fri 05-Aug-16 14:04:49

How awful, thinking of yohflowers

LewisAndClark Fri 05-Aug-16 14:06:23

You haven't brought this on yourself and you haven't done anything wrong. It's just something that happens.

I hope your DP can get to you soon.

WorkingItOutAsIGo Fri 05-Aug-16 14:08:11

So sorry for you. The issue of whether you have to deliver or can have a D and C is about how far you are along in your pregnancy and whether the placenta is implanted or not. So being very clear about your dates may help but you will have to trust the doctors as they are focused on doing the very best for you. Hugs.

Emptyandscared Fri 05-Aug-16 14:08:38

Fostec TY x

And in private room now but don't yet know if that will stay same. Just cannot believe this happening & I just want my mum back (pathetic I know)

notapizzaeater Fri 05-Aug-16 14:12:09

Ditto, you haven't brought this on or done anything wrong, sometimes it just happens.

Hope DH there soon x

obviouslymarvellous Fri 05-Aug-16 14:13:28

So sorry for your losses. flowersI lost my first at 23.4 weeks and had to deliver him. It wasn't very pleasant but I felt I did get some closure ie I got to hold him, name him and we even had a blessing for him. I have photos of him even footprints etc I appreciate you aren't as far along but even at 13 weeks they will look formed and you can have photos etc and if it's anything like I went through it was all done at my own pace and he was even dressed and put in a Moses basket. I hope this helps X

Potentialmadcatlady Fri 05-Aug-16 14:14:36

Wanting your Mum is not pathetic..I wish I had mine with me...I'm so so sorry for what you are going through and am sending hugs and best wishes to you....all I can suggest is literally get through this minute by minute hour by hour until it is over medically then take your time to grieve for what was meant to be....life is so cruel sometimes....take all the help you are offered and just focus on getting through this afternoon until your dp can be with you then focus on getting through this evening then tonight...the rest can wait for now..

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Fri 05-Aug-16 14:16:49

Oh love - it isn't pathetic at all to want your mum, of course you do. Please please try not to blame yourself, this is in no way your fault - you have got more than enough to cope with without that additional burden.

Am thinking of you flowers

AugustMoon Fri 05-Aug-16 14:18:23

Emptyandscared I'm so sorry you are going through this. Being induced is a scary concept but medically it is the best way and I promise you it won't be barbaric. Like Fostec said, it is healing and is the most natural thing to do - that you can do - and in a way will provide you with an experience to mourn your babies, for your body to go through the motions and heal. I am saying this having given birth to a silent 4lb and breach baby boy at 35 wks pg, 5 years ago next week. I understand totally every word you are saying and I want to tell you you will be ok and you can do this. I'm so so sorry.

CiderwithBuda Fri 05-Aug-16 14:23:16

Oh sweetheart you poor thing. It's horrific anyway but more so when you are alone. I hope your DP gets to you as quick as he can.

It's NOT your fault. Unfortunately and heartbreakingly sometimes these things just sometimes happen.

I was listening to a woman in the radio yesterday talking about her daughter who was stillborn at 36 weeks. I know it's a bit different but she had to labour and give birth and said that although at th time she thought that it was horrible when it actually happened she felt pride and some joy.

There was no reason for her loss but she said there is more research now into the role if the placenta and that failure of th placenta may be the cause of many more stillbirths than previously thought. And I wonder if maybe more losses after the twelve week stage too.

Ask If there is a specialist bereavement midwife at the hospital.

Thinking of you.

Barbazoo Fri 05-Aug-16 14:28:40

How horrifically sad and shocking for you flowers and grim luck that your DP has been been held up . So sorry you are missing your Mum flowers

So hope you will get clearer medical guidance shortly , and that you will feel supported

Mners are thinking of you xx

SestraClone Fri 05-Aug-16 14:36:53

I understand that he can't drop everything and be with your right away. Hopefully he will be there soon. You did nothing wrong.

Emptyandscared Fri 05-Aug-16 15:00:05

It is my fault. I'm too old and I should have known not TTC again. And I was unwell until recently & someone already said shouldn't have TTCd and they were obv right. And I let myself relax into feeling safe so was feeling happy when should have stayed worried, if I hadn't let go then this wouldn't be happening.

Person at home looking after youngest DC is coming up in car soon (no, not child abandoned, DC 15 so fine for few hours, and I'm sorry if that sounds nuts but I won't be able cope w any digs). No DC know this has happened yet but person has already had fend off some calls & emails whilst at home - is v hard explain.

Have been given diazepam & antiemetics- feel desp sick & now quite woozy but assured that's 'normal'.

I'm so sorry for those of you that have been here x

HermyOne Fri 05-Aug-16 15:07:35

flowers lots of hugs for you

I'm sorry this has happened but it's not your fault. Be kind on yourself.

What time will DP arrive?

PosiePootlePerkins Fri 05-Aug-16 15:10:28

It is not your fault. flowers Plenty of older women will have gone on to have successful pregnancies. It is complete shit bad luck, but you will not be able to process this yet. I am so so sorry. I lost a baby at 20 weeks and it is horrific. I am not going to lie to you, I was scared shitless about going through labour and having the baby, and I cannot tell you it was a good experience, but I can promise you that you will get through this. You are stronger than you think. Somewhere inside of you, you will find the strength to do what you need to do.
Later when you are feeling a bit better you can start to process what has happened. But for now just get through the next minute, then the next one. I couldn't look at or speak to anyone either, I was in a dark dark place. I am thinking of you.

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