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Can't shake angry/jealous feelings after miscarriage

(8 Posts)
EmilieR91 Wed 03-Aug-16 17:55:54

I don't think I have ever posted as much as I have in the last few days...Now that I've posted about the physical side of things and I'm feeling like I'm 'healing', I am now coming to terms with how I'm feeling mentally.
I had an ERPC 6 days ago for a missed miscarriage found at our 12 week scan. This was our second pregnancy after our DD (6yo tomorrow!) who has Spina Bifida. It was a meticulously planned pregnancy, we took 6 months to fall pregnant and we were so excited (but nervous) so it was such a huge shock to find that the baby had died.
After having these two pregnancies and 'unlucky' scans, I don't know how I'm going to ever put myself through this again and God
knows how anyone would ever get me in a scanning room after the trauma I've had.
I have this overwhelming feeling of being angry at everyone who is bragging about their happiness...even if it is non baby/pregnancy related. I've had to stop looking at Facebook because my jealousy and anger makes me feel miserable. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself because we have a disabled child (who, don't get me wrong is the most amazing human being on this earth) and now a miscarriage so why should everybody else get all the luck and happiness in the world? Surely we deserve some too? Will I ever be able to shake this horrid feeling? I can't spend my life being bitter. sad

OP’s posts: |
Zxzx Wed 03-Aug-16 18:06:07

flowers I'm so sorry to hear about you miscarriage and incompletely understand your reaction. I don't think it's the least bit unusual. However, it's probably best to try and rationalize why you are feeling this way and try not to get too angry.

How about giving yourself a timeframe where you give yourself permission to feel what you want and to be as angry and bitter as you want. Just go with it and let it all out. Afterwards then maybe you can convince yourself that it really is best for you to keep your feelings a bit more under control.

I miscarried but didn't feel angry. I didn't even feel particularly sad once I'd got over the initial shock. I mostly just felt dissapoinyed and redesigned. I wouldn't have predicted I would feel that way. Everyone's different.

Look after yourself. I hope everyone is being lovely to you in RL

purpleviolet1 Wed 03-Aug-16 18:08:16

Hi emilie, so sorry to hear you have gone through this. There really are no words to describe and all the things you are saying would be classed as normal. Miscarriage is a massive loss and it's not just the pregnancy it's the future that you had planned. The child you thought would add to your family.

I completely understand. I had cancer and am a survivor, it's taken a lot out of me and we were delighted to fall pregnant but unfortunately I contracted sepsis and was in hospital. They scanned me at 11+6 whilst I was still in hospital and the baby had died. I then fell pregnant again but unfortunately there seems to have been an implantation problem and I miscarried at 6 weeks. Bloods showed that the HCG just didn't rise much.

It is really really hard. Give yourself the time to grieve , whatever that means and take it easy. Be kind to yourself xx

LifeIsGoodish Wed 03-Aug-16 18:14:03

Grief shows itself in different ways. You have every right to feel angry and want to rage at joy at this stage. Find yourself a safe space or a safe listener and let it out. Write your feelings down. Listen to your own needs.


KittyandTeal Wed 03-Aug-16 18:23:30

I'm so sorry you have sufferered a mc. I it horridly traumatic.

I know what you mean about never getting into another scan room, I've decided I won't be trying anymore as scans (along with other reasons) are far too traumatic.

It has been 18 months since loosing dd2 and 5 months since loosing ds and although I'm in a much better place I often feel angry at other peoples happiness. I get a huge internal 'fuck you' feeling when I hear good news. I know it's a bit unreasonable but I'm not going to feel bad about it, I've had about as shittier time as anyone I know. I allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. I absolutely wouldn't verbalise it (obviously, although dh gets it sometimes) but it's ok to feel angry and jealous.

monkeytree Thu 04-Aug-16 21:28:59

I'm so sorry you have experienced this truly devastating loss. I had a late mc 18 months ago and quite often feel huge amounts of anger and jealousy too. I have 2 dd's and do feel grateful but I went through a really difficult time and a long wait for dd2 and I feel frustrated at how easy it is for some people to just rock up and have babies at will. It feels like it's a cruel joke, all that we went through, all the excitement and anticipation only to lose my son, I don't get any of it, it doesn't make sense. Some people experiencing infertility say they are pleased for others but sad for themselves. Unfortunately, I don't get this pleased for everyone else feeling especially when I hear about baby no. 3 or 4. This experience has made me feel bitter, so bitter, I have little tolerance for being around babies either. When I became pregnant again despite all odds, I felt on top of the world, as if I could do anything and was quite Blaise about my pregnancy and didn't foresee anything going wrong. These days I mainly feel broken. I am trying to distract myself with a project at the moment and that works well until the enormity of what I have lost hits me and knocks me sideways. I am older now and unlikely to have anymore dc's and part of me feels relieved but the other part of me aches for another child as if I feel incomplete. I don't usually talk much about how I feel although I still see a counsellor. I usually ride out the storm and wait for the worst to pass. Exhausting. This has changed me as a person, I will never be the same again. I came off of Facebook, I found it made me feel worse to see other peoples kids plastered all over it despite having two of my own. People bragging about their latest bit of good fortune, no thank you. Sorry this isn't very helpful although I guess my feelings have dissipated over time but never gone away, you are not on your own.

EmilieR91 Fri 05-Aug-16 11:58:38

Thank you so much for all your experiences and advice. It is so good to know that I'm not on my own, even on my darkest days when I feel that way. I am so grateful and lucky to have my DD, but even with her I feel a sadness that she has a disibility. I feel sadness for her, for me, guilt, anger and 'why her?', 'why our family?'. This mc has just made all these feelings even stronger.
Monkeytree, I am exactly like you around babies. My sister in law has an 18mo who I have always felt really odd around. She is the apple of everyone's eye, gets far more attention than my DD (in my opinion but maybe that's down to my 'issues') and I just can't enjoy being around her, or her parents. They are the type of people, like ALOT of people I know, who took their healthy pregnancy and healthy child for granted and I get so angry. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. It's exhausting. Or maybe I've changed and this is who I am now.
Do you think it helps taking to a counsellor?

OP’s posts: |
monkeytree Fri 05-Aug-16 15:27:16

Hi Emilie

I would say that it has helped me having Counselling but I think it is a matter of finding a good counsellor who works along with you. I had a terrible experience with a counsellor not long after my mc. She wanted to pscyco analyse everything ie my past to find out why I was feeling 'so' terrible rather than helping me to deal with grief we just didn't gel. Then I found a lovely counsellor through Cruse who has been fantastic and gives me another avenue to express what is simmering away and doesn't get said. My sister in law gave birth to a little boy, 6 months before my son was due. Our relationship was poor so I severed all ties. I have also become estranged from my mother for various reasons since the mc. I'm not suggesting you do this but for me it feels a relief not to have these poisonous people in my life, I would have let things tick over if I had not had a mc. Perhaps someone with better family relationships will come along and give you some more advice about handling these types of situations following mc. I wish you well, we don't deserve this and it's devastating and totally unfair.

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