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Husband doesn't want to try again.

(20 Posts)
EsspressoMartiniPlease Tue 02-Aug-16 16:24:16

Hi, I have just had my 3rd late miscarriage in 13 months and now my husband is saying he doesn't want to try again. I understand why he feels this way because the last year has been awful but all l think of is having another baby. I really don't know how to get past this sad.

Snowflakes1122 Tue 02-Aug-16 18:02:55

I'm so sorry sad

You have had a very traumatic 13 months, emotionally it must be quite raw right now.

I can understand he must be worried about trying again after all you have been through. I can relate to the longing to start trying afterwards.

Have you been offered any type of grief counselling for you both? It might be something to consider to help.

I had a pretty rough time during my miscarriage and I told my DH I didn't want to try again when I came back from my op. Deep down I was just traumatised from how it all happened and was scared. I so want to try again. Like you say it's just happened, so perhaps your husband just needs time before you make the decision to try again flowers

Alb1 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:08:01

I'm so sorry about your babies and that your having such a hard time, I recently had a stillbirth and trying again is the only thing that gives me hope so I can understand that longing. Hopefully your husband will calm down after the shock has worn off and reconsider. Do you no what caused your miscarriages?

EsspressoMartiniPlease Tue 02-Aug-16 23:40:57

I am sorry for both your losses too.

I was speaking to a grief midwife after I lost my baby boy at 21 weeks but wasn't offered any counselling the last two times (14 and 16 weeks).
I am not very good at talking about how I feel though and my husband is worse so don't know how helpful it would be. I have developed health anxiety and am "physically manifesting emotional stress" according to my doctor. It only stops when I am pregnant again so I am worried that it won't go.

I had tests done through the recurrent miscarriage clinic after my second miscarriage and was found to have a blood clotting disorder. I was on blood thinners this last time but the baby just came out at 16 weeks. I am still in shock. Really thought it would work out this time sad. Think I now have an incompetent cervix but nobody discussed any of this before I left the hospital.

I really hope he changes his mind but he said before my last pregnancy that if it didn't work he wouldn't try again and hes sticking to it. The thought of having to get rid of all the baby things we have is just awful.

Alb1 Wed 03-Aug-16 18:38:36

Do you get a consultant appointment to discuss what happened? We had this about 6 weeks after my stillbirth and I asked about future pregnancies and we put a plan in place for what we will do in the next pregnancy, maybe that could help your husband if he new what control you would have if you decided to try again. It sounds like you need more answers, it can be so hard getting doctors to help though can't it?

Marmiteontoast76 Wed 03-Aug-16 22:33:38

I'm so, so sorry you've had to go through this. I've had two late losses in the past year and have decided to give my body a longer time to heal. I had a 20 week loss last Sept and then got pregnant a month later, then lost our son at 19 weeks in Feb.

I fully understand your pain. Which rcm clinic did you go to for tests? Was in NHS? All my nhs tests came back normal after the 1st loss, but they didn't test my thyroid so I ventured into the next preg in a hyperthyroid state without knowing. I am now under the care of Dr Shehata at Epsom. Tests were expensive but he diagnosed me with high thyroid antibodies and high natural killer cells and has given us a plan. We are terrified though and still need more time, although I'm 40 soon so not too long to wait.

Marmiteontoast76 Wed 03-Aug-16 22:38:22

Perhaps give yourself at least 3 months to recover from this dark place and try and make some nice plans. We promised ourselves a summer of fun after our terrible year so we booked festival tickets and also a holiday to Cornwall. We've decided to not think about trying until after these 2 trips which will be September and 7 months since the last loss.

Marmiteontoast76 Wed 03-Aug-16 22:47:45

......but we are still unsure if we will try again. My body and hormones are begging me to try one more time, but my brain has flashbacks to the scans and I'm not sure if I could face another ultrasound, especially in our local hospital scan unit. I need to find a really good counseller to discuss all this with. It sounds like finding a good counselling service could really help you right now too.

EsspressoMartiniPlease Thu 04-Aug-16 15:04:20

Alb1 I was just told when I was discharged from hospital that I would be called in for a "debrief" and would be referred back to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. It is difficult getting the information from the doctors, they are in no rush to give you any answers. Did you find out if there was a reson for your stillbirth? [Sad]

I am sorry for your losses too marmite. The recurrent miscarriage clinic was NHS at my local hospital. The only thing that came back was the clotting issue (Factor V Leiden) large clots had formed in the placenta, which led to placental abruption. Not sure if my thyroid was tested will have to ask when I am called back. I am just worried about my cervix because this time because the baby just came out with no cramping/contractions. Then I ended up having to have a D&C for a retained placenta.
Probably do need counselling. Feel like I'm losing the plot. Going away to Wales on Monday for a week. Hopefully I will be able to relax a bit.

Had a massive argument about the whole thing with husband last night. He has said unless the consultant can say for definite that it won't happen again and something else can be done (other than the clexane and aspirin) then he's getting the snip sad. I am so angry with him.

Alb1 Thu 04-Aug-16 18:38:52

The debrief sounds similar to what we had, went through everything that happened and the consultant just allowed us the time to ask questions which was when I asked about future pregnancies. For us our baby developed an irregular heart rhythm which is apparently just one of those things that normally corrects itself, but as it didn't she developed hydrops and lots of extra fluid. We're lucky in once sense that it's very unlikely to repeat, it'd be like getting struck by lightening twice. But the consultant said for peace of mind we can have scans and monitoring every 2 weeks and early induction. So maybe ask if they could do a scan to check cervical length in the next pregnancy? I could be completely wrong but I'm sure iv read a scan may be able to indicate about potential incompetent cervix and then they could put a stitch in to keep your baby safe, plenty of women have that to ensure a safe pregnancy. And that could hopefully give your husband and yourself some peace of mind. Maybe try and agree to just put discussions with your DH on hold until that debrief to see if he can offer some reassurance and a plan for next time? I'm so sorry about what happened to you, that must have been very traumatic all happening so quickly like that.

marmite sorry about your losses too, I hope the councilling helps and that you feel able to try again soon. For me I just want to get it done so that I can put pregnancy behind me as soon as possible, but I can't imagine how I'd feel after going through it twice, take care of yourself flowers

Lilacpink40 Thu 04-Aug-16 18:48:54

So sorry for your losses flowers

I think emotions are running high and your DH sounds as though he needs some stability back in your lives - he needs guarantees from a consultant.

There are no guarantees in life but, as others have said, could you have your debrief, have a 3 month break and start again from a stronger position?

Maybe your DH would feel better if you have a practical plan to work from.

Dozer Thu 04-Aug-16 18:52:15

Really sorry about your sad losses.

I recommend the miscarriage clinic at st mary's london - prof lesley regan, raj rai and team. They are experts in blood disorders and if I recollect correctly take referrals from across the UK.

EsspressoMartiniPlease Thu 04-Aug-16 21:11:15

Thanks everyone.

I will have to try not to discuss anything with dh until after the debrief because we are both just getting upset. Hopefully the consultant can come up with a new plan and dh will be happier. If not I might look at St Mary's. I have a book by Prof Lesley Regan about recurrent miscarriage.

Alb1 Thu 04-Aug-16 22:13:10

Feel free to keep us updated if you can, I hope it all works out for you. You and your DH should just try and take comfort in eachother if you can, it can be so easy to let grief seperate you, especially when your wanting different things, but better times will come flowers

Snowflakes1122 Thu 04-Aug-16 23:16:49

Sounds a good idea op. Try to focus on comforting each other and being a couple right now flowers

Good luck with your consultant, hopefully you'll both feel more able to agree on how to move forward after that.

As Alb1 says better times will come.

Dozer Fri 05-Aug-16 07:38:44

Would also recommend individual counselling with a BACP registered person. I found that helped me and took the pressure off DH.

MsDe Fri 05-Aug-16 09:02:01

I am so sorry for your losses. Much love coming your way.

Your husband is grieving too, and he sees you are in a bad place and doesn't want you to be there again. Try and view his refusal as an act of love, not war. He loves you.

Some counselling would help both of you. Seeing that you are getting help and can find a way through this may give him the courage and reassurance he needs to try again, and he needs help with his feelings too. You're both distraught and he's scared on top.

EsspressoMartiniPlease Fri 05-Aug-16 11:15:08

Thanks smile.

I do know he's scared. I am too, but just can't get rid of the uncontrollable urge for a baby sad. I do want to wait and recover before trying again. I just don't want the option taken away from me definitely.

Will have a look into counselling. Did you go through your GP Dozer? Or did you arrange it privately?

Dozer Fri 05-Aug-16 17:34:19

Really understand that drive to try again. Hang in there!

It might help to leave the question of whether to try again for now and talk it over in a few months' time. And during that time, as well as caring for yourself as well as possible (mental, physical health etc), there is nothing to stop you seeking any further medical advice you think might be useful-as (assuming you can access NhS care or can pay if you decide to) it's your body, so it's entirely your decision who to consult, what tests to seek where etc.

If you'd like NHS counselling yes, your GP can refer to whatever services are available. I was very lucky and could pay privately so just found and contacted a counsellor via BACP directory, it was pricey at £50 a session (London) but, for me, very helpful.

EsspressoMartiniPlease Fri 05-Aug-16 19:17:19

Thanks, I will look into it smile.

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