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Chemical pregnancy. DH decided he doesn't want to try again.

(13 Posts)
AlwaysNeverOnTime Sun 10-Jul-16 17:11:10

I hope it's okay to post here as I was only 5 weeks pregnant.

I was sooo happy when I found out I was pregnant. I've been wanting a third child since I had DC2. Eventually convinced DH it was a good idea so we had a month of 'seeing what happened'. Got a positive test and I'm was thrilled it had happened so quickly. Anyway the lines were faint so I kept testing and eventually got a negative and then bleeding. I'm absolutely gutted. I haven't stopped crying for about 3 days now.

Had a few chats with DH and he admitted that when I told him I was pregnant, it made him realise that he didn't actually want another child. He's now decided that he doesn't want to try again and I'm so upset.

I feel like I've lost my only chance of a third child now. I know I am so lucky to have my two children but I had gotten my hopes up for a third and now it's never going to happen.

Not really sure what I'm asking here. I hope my post doesn't come across as insensitive.

Snowflakes1122 Sun 10-Jul-16 17:36:28

So sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to go through.

Perhaps it's too raw to make any long term decisions on it right now. Maybe part of it is your DH is finding it hard seeing you go through this.

I'm so sorry again.

AlwaysNeverOnTime Sun 10-Jul-16 20:00:40

Thnk you for your message.

He finds it very hard to show his emotions so I'm not entirely sure how he's feeling about it. I need to talk about it but it's very hard to pin him down. I have friends to talk to, but I need him. I've kept busy today but I'm now exhausted and emotional. He keeps telling me to get up and do something every time I'm about to cry ect (he thinks he's helping) but I need to cry about it. I need to talk about it. He also doesn't want me telling anyone.

AlwaysNeverOnTime Sun 10-Jul-16 21:11:33

Also can I ask for some advice? My normal periods are quite heavy and last 6/7 days where as I started bleeding lightly on Friday, heavier on Saturday but today has been very light again. I have been getting cramps but I was expecting a heavy period. Is this normal?

AnotherEmma Sun 10-Jul-16 21:17:14

Sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

"I need to talk about it. He also doesn't want me telling anyone."

Why on earth does he get to decide? He has no right to say that you shouldn't talk about it. It's your body and your emotions. You have every right to talk about it and get support elsewhere. This would be important even if he was being supportive - and he isn't!

Would you consider seeing a counsellor or therapist? That would be a safe space to talk and cry. It's also confidential so he shouldn't object (not that you need his permission).


Oly5 Sun 10-Jul-16 21:19:52

I'm so sorry OP.
However you must also take on board your partner's feelings and rights about this. If he doesn't want a third child, he doesn't want one and you can't in future force him into it.
Deal with your loss, speak to your GP and see if maybe you can have some counselling to help you through it

Dozer Sun 10-Jul-16 21:26:18

I'm sorry OP flowers

With respect to the physical symptoms that sounds like my earliest mcs, but do seek advice from your GP or early pregnancy unit if you're worried.

Suggest you speak to whoever can support you right now, a friend, relative or counsellor (alone or together). Your H is perhaps not able or willing to help at present, sadly. He doesn't get to dictate who you tell or don't tell about your loss.

He is entitled, of course, to his feelings about what's happened, but not to expect you to suppress your sadness and hurt.

AlwaysNeverOnTime Mon 11-Jul-16 07:29:43

Thank you so much for your kind words, they really have helped. I really don't want to go to work today as I work in childcare. Friday was really really hard. DS has been ill overnight too so I've not had any sleep so I feel really emotional this morning.

I'm not trying to force DH to have a third child. I'm just sad that he's changed his mind. We tried for a third because he said yes. Last night he admitted he was slightly relieved that this had happen in a way as, me telling him I was pregnant, made him realise he didn't want another child. I'm just trying to deal with the fact I won't have a chance to try again. I'm in no way trying to force him to try again.

I've told two close friends but I'd really like to talk to DH about it. My friends are great and have been so supportive, but it's just not he same s DH.

I don't really have time to see a councillor but thank you for the suggestion. I will see how I get on before seeing anyone.

Thank you for the advice re physical symptoms too.

AlwaysNeverOnTime Mon 11-Jul-16 07:31:07

I've just read that last post and I sound really rude. I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I am so grateful for the replies I've had. Thank you.

AnotherEmma Mon 11-Jul-16 07:38:01

Don't worry, it didn't sound rude.

Why don't you have time to see a counsellor?

If your DH won't talk to you about it, he could at least look after the children for a hour so you can go and talk to a counsellor, surely?!

AlwaysNeverOnTime Mon 11-Jul-16 17:25:39

I live quite rurally and I don't drive and I work full time. DH works about 70hours a week so isn't here much.

AnotherEmma Mon 11-Jul-16 17:42:24

Phone counselling?

Driving lessons?! wink

FrazzleRock Tue 19-Jul-16 16:06:40

Always I can completely empathise. We lost our first baby at 9 weeks in February, then we lost another at 4/5 weeks in April. I already have 2 DC from my previous marriage but, after DP and I discovered we were having our first one together, I was surprisingly over joyed and even DP (who never wanted his own children) was excited and getting all paternal with baby apps and researching baby stuff. Since we had the MMC it's all I can think of and the second loss felt like I was being kicked while I was down. DP decided a few weeks ago that he definietly does not want to try again and simply does not want his own children.

The heartbreak is unbearable and its a daily struggle. It has caused a huge rift in our otherwise perfect relationship.
Your DP must talk to you and allow you to talk it through, and he also has no right to tell you you cannot talk to anyone about it.
My DP and I talk about it regularly as I cannot go a single day without crying, but he has become frustrated with me lately and has said some very nasty things. Such as when I say "I'm grieving our babies" he told me it makes his "skin crawl" sad, my god that just killed me. But miscarriage effects people in such different ways, not that its an excuse.

You have to talk this through. I'm not saying it will fix things, but it will release at least some of the pressure.

It's awful and I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. You're not only grieving for your baby, you're also grieving for the future child you had both agreed to create together.

I am so sorry flowers

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