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Miscarriage-did you look at the baby or not?

(11 Posts)
Snowflakes1122 Tue 05-Jul-16 21:37:25

I'm trying to get my head around what to expect.
I'm currently going through a missed miscarriage with baby measuring 11 weeks.
The lack of support or information got me looking online, and it dawned on me I might see the baby during the actual process :,-(
What am I meant to do? Look? Not look? Would it scar me to see the baby?
I'm in such a daze right now, and feel abandoned by the nhs. Any advice appreciated

dippypanda Tue 05-Jul-16 22:43:57

Hi, I'm currently going through my 4th miscarriage sad I've had two d&c's but before my third d&c I think I passed my baby before the op. I felt calm, I wasn't shocked. This time I don't know what I'm going to do ( I only found out today ) I don't know whether to go through naturally or for medical management. I just want it over to be honest. Anyway sorry, not much help really but I just wanted you to know you're not alone, hopefully we'll get over this soon xx flowers

dippypanda Tue 05-Jul-16 22:45:52

Forgot to add that I'm nearly 10 weeks, had an early scan where I saw my baby with heartbeat at 8 weeks and all looked good. Can't understand why so much changed in 2 weeks sad

eastegg Tue 05-Jul-16 22:46:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I lost my baby at 16 weeks last summer. Because of the stage the pregnancy had got to I had medical management in hospital so my situation was different, one of the good things (and there were things not so good about my care but that's another story) was that I could go with my instincts of not seeing the baby at the time I had him but I told the nurses that I might change my mind. They brought the baby to me the next day (I had to stay in for an operation to remove the placenta) as I did indeed change my mind.

I know you're situation is different as you won't have the same control over the circumstances in which you would see the baby, and I can see how it has the potential to add to the upset, but all I can say is that I thought it would add to the upset but I'm so glad I did it. You don't get much to remember your baby by and that visual memory is something I treasure and something only I have ( even my husband didn't want to see ).

Try not to worry about this particular aspect of what you're going through, whatever you decide to do it will be OK. Will you have someone with you either during or shortly after? I hope so. Take care of yourself.

Sorry I don't have any experience of miscarrying at home and maybe someone who has would be able to offer more practical advice. But definitely for me that initial 'but it will be horrible to look' reaction was something that became irrelevant and I'm really glad I changed my mind.

Sorry for the ramble.

CelticPromise Tue 05-Jul-16 22:51:12

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it's really personal to you. I have mc at home albeit a couple of weeks earlier and I really wanted to look at the baby and decide how to dispose of it for want of a better word. I didn't feel upset by seeing the baby any more than I already was. Some people prefer not to. There is some info and ideas on the Miscarriage Association website about it. Don't feel pressured either way, what's right for one of us isn't right for all of us.

Imaginosity Wed 06-Jul-16 00:09:00

Yes. I had miscarriages at 11 and also at 13 weeks and saw the baby both times. It was the right choice for me. It was sad but i was sad anyway. It didn't make me more sad than I already was. I wanted to acknowledge its existence and say hello and goodbye. The hospital were really good and cleaning it and put it in a little basket to show me the first time. I spent time with it - and cried. I'm glad I saw it. If you decide you don't want to see it that's ok too obviously. They'll just take it away before you see anything. Whatever's right for you. flowers

Are you going into hospital for a medical management of miscarriage? Any questions please ask - it's such a sad, strange thing to go through.

sandy30 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:13:46

Hi Snowflakes, I had medical management in hospital at 11+4 with a baby measuring exactly 9 weeks. I don't know whether it was because of the strength of my contractions or the time between the baby stopping growing and me miscarrying, but my baby wasn't obviously a baby. I only knew I had passed the baby because there was a lot of grey matter. I also had awful diarrhea which, sadly, landed on what was parts of the baby. I felt bad as there was nothing I could really say goodbye to, but going through the process still helped me. Your experience may well be different, especially as your baby is bigger, but if your experience is like mine, you're not the only one.

sandy30 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:16:10

And while what I've described sounds awful, I looked when I could and I haven't regretted it. I am the sort of person who is fascinated by the human body though, so maybe I'm odd!

OvO Wed 06-Jul-16 18:24:51

I miscarried at a few weeks on from you so the baby would probably look similar. My baby came out in the sac and was just like the little alien babies you see in development books.

It wasnt scary or upsetting. I was at home with my DH and we had a small box ready to put him/her in.

Don't feel like you have to look if you don't want to.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

HippyChickMama Wed 06-Jul-16 18:25:10

flowers for you op and for all of you that have been/are going through this.
I can't comment from a personal point of view but as a hcp I have seen lots of miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy. Go with your instincts, if you want to look then do but don't feel you have to. Please don't be worried that you're going to see anything scary or horrible though. In my experience most miscarried babies look much like the drawings you see of foetuses in pregnancy books etc. Forgive me if that comes across as being a bit blasé but I just wanted to reassure you that if you want to look then you shouldn't be put off by worrying about what you're going to see.

Sophiehfz2805 Wed 06-Jul-16 20:53:41

Im so sorry to hear about your loss flowers i had a m/c at 19 weeks last month.. I decided to see my baby boy as i felt at the time i wanted to and also didnt want to regret not seeing him. I feel like now i've seen him and have pictures of him it makes me feel much happier knowing i saw my baby boy and got to touch him. At the same time it has also made things more upsetting for me. Dont force yourself into something you dont want to do. Do what you think is best for you and again im sorry to hear about this. Im thinking of you flowers

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