Getting on with life after a miscarriage - how do you do it?!

(15 Posts)
jinglebellmel Fri 01-Jul-16 13:07:32

Hi all, I had a mmc at 10 weeks, they found a placenta and sac but no baby. I had medical management, but Hgc levels didn't drop completely, ended up going in for surgical management which they decided at the last minute I didn't need. It was pretty horrendous but I felt that I dealt with it quite well at the time, although the longer it dragged on the harder I found it.

It's 8 weeks since we found out about the miscarriage now, but I feel like it's getting worse not better. Everything feels so painful, passing the 12 week scan time, thinking that we should soon be having our 20 week scan, failing at our first month of ttc since the mc and thinking we might still be ttc in November when I should be holding my baby, seeing friends 'overtake' me with their pregnancies.

How do you manage to move on? To get on with your life and be grateful for what you do have rather than just obsessing over what you want?

Sophiehfz2805 Fri 01-Jul-16 19:28:23

Hi love,
First of all I'm so sorry for your loss its heartbreaking to hear. Im thinking of you and your family. I had a miscarriage too, last month but at 5 months pregnant.. Just a few days before my 20 week scan. It was awfuk, i didn't expect it at all but at the time i dealt with it quite well, now i just think about it all the time about what if it didnt happen etc. I guess it was just one of those things that happened.. I still visit my sons grave every two days, i miss him a lot. But don't give up no matter what, it happens to many women but at that moment of time we just feel like its only us because its such a bad and horrible experience. Never ever give up and i hope you have a gorgeous little one soon. smilegrin i hope i do too!! X

GailLondon Fri 01-Jul-16 19:38:05

Hi jingle, sorry to hear your news xx
I had a mc at 13 weeks last year. For me I dealt with it by throwing myself into ttc again. To be honest I wasn't really dealing with things, more ignoring them! I think I only really came to peace with things a year or so later when my son was born.
Just know that it's ok and normal to still be feeling crap months later. I found that only people who had been through a similar experience really understood, others seemed to think you shouldn't still be going on about it weeks or months later.
There is a really helpful ongoing thread in the conception topic for ttc after mc, I found it really helpful to have a group of like minded people around to talk to

Flouncy Fri 01-Jul-16 19:44:50

Time.

Time to grieve your loss. Loss of your baby, loss of that dream, loss of the hopes and plans you'd started in your head.

Its still very early days.

Theres almost a guilt that you should just quietly move on with life. All those wonderful helpful things that people say ' it wasn't ment to be', 'dont worry you'll have another one soon enough', 'at least it was early days' or maybe know one knew and you're in pain/ off form and people dont know but you can't say.

This is time to be kind to yourself. Respect your body. You've physically been through the mill and hormones can be horrid when settling back down.

Just take life steadily. Try not to take things out on those around you (personal guilt of mine after several traumas of my own). Don't make big life chaging decissions until you feel you're ready. [Flowers]

thingamijig1 Fri 01-Jul-16 19:54:02

So sorry you are going through this flowers
As a pp said time. Time is the only thing that will make it better. I know this as I have been where you are. It doesn't help now but honestly it does get a bit better.
Be kind to yourself. Spend time with your dh. Spoil yourself and soon you will feel better I promise
Hugs xxx

jinglebellmel Sat 02-Jul-16 07:04:43

Thank you all for replying, especially when you are all dealing with your own losses too, I really appreciate it.

Sophie, so sorry for your loss, unimaginable. I hope you go on to have a happy baby very soon.

Thank you Gail, sorry for you loss and congratulations on your son smile I've been the same, dealing by throwing myself into ttc. Unfortunately we weren't successful this month and I think that has what has made me realise I'm not dealing with it really. I feel like being pregnant again is the only thing that can help me heal, but I think that's putting too much pressure on ttc.

Flouncy, you are absolutely right. At first it seemed acceptable to not be coping, 2 months on I think the few very sympathetic friends who knew have moved on, they have busy lives, new babies are supporting our other friends through pregnancies. others who don't know, especially the pregnant friends, are probably just wondering why I am being so ante social and cutting myself off.

Thing, I'm sorry that you've been through the same. Thank you, it does help to hear from someone who's been here that things get easier. I'm just desperate to feel happy and hopeful again, not a patient person!

RosieBdy Sat 02-Jul-16 07:28:26

So sorry to hear about your loss... flowers to you an all the others who have already replied.
As others have said - time. I know it's a cliche, but in my case it's true...
I had a mc at 8 weeks and I remember how hard it was at the time.
It will get easier, but you don't forget... 11 years on and I have 2 children, but still think of the one I lost at significant times (I was due on Boxing Day) and wonder what they would have been like.
For now, I think you just need time to grieve and be kind to yourself and your other half. There's no 'set' time for when you'll start to feel better, but it will happen...

OllyBJolly Sat 02-Jul-16 07:43:29

I think it's very difficult to 'move on' for the rest of what would have been the pregnancy. It's 28 years since my first of three miscarriages and I still feel a pang on the due dates.

I did have two successful pregnancies and that did make a difference, but I won't forget the babies I didn't have. I think you have to allow yourself to grieve. Be good to yourself.

AvaMercy Sat 02-Jul-16 10:46:10

Time! It really is something that happens over time. I lost my baby at almost 18 weeks three months ago and I honestly didn't think I would have made as much progress as I have. But I've still got a way to go and I do still have sad times. What I think has improved in time is my ability to acknowledge how sad everything has been without letting it completely consume me. Easier sad than done I know! I completely understand what you say about people thinking you should be over things by now. Ignore them. You will feel better but at your own pace. Take small steps and they will add up.

We've decided to wait a little while before ttc again (but i completely understand and remember that longing to be pregnant right away again) it really is an individual choice tho.

Have you thought about speaking to your gp about counselling? You could find talking to a stranger about how you're feeling quite helpful.
Good luck and take care. Xx

Helbelle75 Mon 04-Jul-16 10:02:52

Huge hugs to everyone. It really is the most difficult thing to get through.
It's 7 weeks after our miscarriage today, and I'm feeling fairly dreadful. I do have positive times, and times of being very sad. I was 11 weeks, it was my first pregnancy and I'm 40. It was something I never thought would happen, so we were over the moon.
I think of our baby bean all of the time, we have a memorial rose in the garden and I feel completely empty.
However, I've started going to CRUSE for support and it's been helping. Work is horrendous, as I'm a teacher and just keep getting overwhelmed and I'm afraid the feeling is very much that I've had enough time now, I should be over it.
We're on a race to conceive again - I feel that time is running out for us, and we do want more than one child, so we'll have to get a move on.
I hope you find the support you need xx

sandy30 Tue 05-Jul-16 00:05:28

Hi Jingle, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tbh, I didn't really move on until I had my son. And I still think about the babies I lost often (part of the reason I'm in this board). It did help me a bit to do throw myself into fun projects and work; was also a distraction from ttc mania!

ffauxlivia Tue 05-Jul-16 03:21:37

flowers so sorry for your loss

I felt exactly how you feel, especially about friends 'overtaking'. A friend of mine was due in the same week and I lost mine quite early, then watched her go trough the entire pregnancy and birth; it wasn't until 1.5 years later that I fell pregnant, and that was really tough.

I felt the same - that nothing would make me feel better other than getting pregnant. It meant I felt devastated every time my period came, every time someone else fell pregnant etc. It was not a nice way to live so I would definitely recommend counselling or just continuing to talk about it! I hate that it's so taboo.

Time did heal, and obviously having a healthy pregnancy and baby ultimately gave me closure, but definitely talk and try and find other ways to get closure in case it takes a long time to achieve your dream. Some friends of mine lost twins and donated teddy bears to a children's society in their honour. Also I found support on forums online, and one idea that really helped was realising that I was a mother, even though I did not have a living child. Hard to explain but I found some comfort in that concept.

Good luck, be kind to yourself and keep talking about it if you need to flowers

jinglebellmel Wed 06-Jul-16 21:35:18

Thank you all, I'm sorry for all of your losses, it's awful that this is such a 'common' thing.

I feel so cheated by what I 'should' have and 'should' be experiencing right now. Another friend's pregnancy announcement today and I'm happy for her but can't he,p thinking it should be me. I'm further back than before I started ttc, cycle all over the place, random spotting - I feel so angry that my baby has gone and I don't even seem to be in a position to start trying again.

I can access counciling through work so I might give it some thought, and I'm comforted to hear that time has healed to some degree for you all.

BeckyNW Wed 06-Jul-16 22:45:12

So sorry to hear of your loss jinglebellmel.

We did a few things that have felt like positive moves after our MMC earlier this year:
1. Told our friends and family, closest people individually and then on Facebook. Yes Facebook. It was cathartic and the responses were so comforting.
2. Booked and took a lovely holiday. Something to look forward to!
3. Talked about it. A lot. If either of us feels sad it is OK in our house to say why, and know that we can get a hug. We might even have a little cry together, then gather ourselves and get on with the day. Those occasions are getting less frequent but they still happen, especially on a key date or when something provokes a thought about the miscarriage.
4. Got right back on with TTC. We are both 39 so no time to lose! Hasn't happened yet but I feel better obsessing about possible future pregnancies and keeping healthy for that, rather than obsessing about the miscarriage.

Everyone will find their own way, and I very much hope that you will find yours. I'm sure I'd have needed professional help if I didn't have such supportive family and friends.

jinglebellmel Fri 08-Jul-16 15:06:33

Thanks Becky. That's really helpful. Sorry for your loss, I hope that you get your healthy pregnancy very soon, sounds like you'll be bringing your baby into a lovely supportive home smile

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