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Life after miscarriage

(7 Posts)
Whatabanana Wed 29-Jun-16 09:32:33

I miscarried at the weekend so I haven't really recovered from that yet. I am in my early 40's and it was unplanned. The hormones and the shock of it all mean I would like to try again, despite the higher risks of having to go through that again. My husband however is mid 50's and says he is too old. I am lucky, I already have two children-a teen and pre teen. I need to accept there won't be another, don't I?

jbee1979 Wed 29-Jun-16 22:52:16

I'm sorry for your loss. When I lost my baby at 12 weeks 4 days, I couldn't think about anything else other than being pregnant again. It's devastating. The hormones don't help. I had to take a break from the pain for a bit, so I went back on the pill for a month to let my body and mind recover a bit. It really helped settle my hormones out.

Your husband might be right, and he might be adamant that he's too old, and you might need to accept that your family is complete.

On the other hand, he might be grieving and not able to even dare to hope, knowing that it would be distressing to you to go through this again.

Why not take a month to consider carefully. Look at your life now and weigh up the pros and cons. My daughter is currently 13 months old and sleeping in my arms (because I can't get her back in the cot after a bad dream). I have the cold, I need to pee, and my cuppa tea is going cold.

I wouldn't have it any other way, but are you ready for a mini tornado to sweep through your family? I have fanciful thoughts about a football team, but it's not practical financially or health wise. I'm lucky to be here, I don't need more.

I'm not much help. I hope someone more useful comes along! Keep talking to your husband and grieve together, don't pull apart. It's a horrible time flowers

Whatabanana Wed 29-Jun-16 23:10:52

Oh, thank you for replying! Definitely a horrible time, one of the worst ever, was supposed to be having the first scan tomorrow.
My husband felt the loss but I think he also had a sense of relief, so I really don't think he wants the upheaval a baby would bring. He did ask me if it was what I really wanted, leaving me to feel he would agree if that was the case, but I couldn't make that decision if he isn't really on board.
It is just so hard to shake away that sense of anticipation, it feels like there is nothing to look forward to anymore. Yet I had only known about it for seven weeks.
I wish.....oh well, time is the only thing that will help I guess. Thanks for listening though, it's good to get it all out!

jbee1979 Wed 29-Jun-16 23:23:20

Think about hormonal contraception for all month or two or three, allow yourself the time to grieve and see if you still have the all-consuming ache when your body isn't playing tricks on you. I feel you pain. You might find that as more milestones roll round your husband might reconsider and decide it could be the start of a whole new adventure. You've had a surprise pregnancy and a devastating loss in a short period of time - it's a lot to deal with. Allow yourself some time to grieve and see how the land lies flowers

monkeytree Thu 30-Jun-16 14:52:15

Hi whatabanana
I'm so sorry for your loss x. I am in a similar boat to you in many ways. I had a loss over a year ago and have not been able to conceive since (but I do have fertility issues). I am in my early 40's, my husband mid 50's. We have 2 children (my youngest is coming up to 3). My husband doesn't really want any more children but is going along with ttc for me. I'm trying to accept that there will be no more babies but can't completely let go. The trouble is at our age we don't have time to grieve/think about things. I wish I could walk away but emotionally I can't it is so hard. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone x

Whatabanana Thu 30-Jun-16 22:38:19

Thank you monkey, it's so hard isn't it? I really doubt my husband will want to try again (I've asked him twice!) So I'll just have to accept it. Even though it was unplanned and it felt like life had been turned upside down I had got used to the idea and got used to being upside down. Now I am struggling to find anything to look forward to, wish my husband was a woman so he would understand!

Whatabanana Sat 02-Jul-16 10:48:40

Loss of hope. Don't feel like I can feel happy about anything again.

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