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So alone and struggling

(10 Posts)
caza25 Tue 24-May-16 22:00:03

I have just gone through my 4th mc at the end of March. Since then my close family and friends have offered no support or even asked how I am doing. I have just found out my brothers wife is expecting a month after I was due. I took this so hard and my DH thinks that I shouldn't be upset because that it their life and not our and that I should be more positive and move on. I was so upset by this and feel that there is now no one I can talk to. I am just so alone and just want someone to be there for me and I don't feel I have anyone. Am I being dramatic? It is just that my heart is breaking in two and I don't know how to fix it. I know there is no answers but just need to put my feelings somewhere as I don't have anyone who understands.

coco1810 Tue 24-May-16 23:32:20

flowers

earthmoon Wed 25-May-16 17:53:57

I'm very sorry for your losses flowersflowersflowers. I had a stillbirth last year and I understand that sometimes no matter how loving & caring family and friends are they sometimes make mistakes and say wrong, things unknowingly. And then hurt you while they are attempting to comfort you.
Sorry for rambling on, maybe talking to trained people about your experience would help? I called SANDS few months after my loss and I found it very therapeutic having some one with similar experience to have listed to me and validated my feelings. I felt less lonely talking. It was also kind of reliving as I knew by talking about my loss to someone who hadn't been affected by ds2 passing i wasn't stirring up feeling about ds2 passing to the person I spoke to. For example, I feel guilty talking about it to my dh as I know it is a reminder of his loss as well. He says he don't mind listening, but I feel restricted talking to him about it.

Hope you don't mind me suggesting trying to talk to them or similar charities like the miscarriage association. You can even seek counselling, if you feel up to it. Until then I'm listening.

caza25 Thu 26-May-16 08:47:02

Thanks for your lovely message. I have tried counselling twice and it helped to get what was on my mind out but don't continue because after it I feel ok. In general I do ok, it is just when I have bad days there is just no one I can turn too or understands what I am going through. So when my brother announced his wife was pregnant my heart sank and I was so upset that it again reminded me that I won't have my baby and it felt like I was reliving the mc all over again. I just wanted to have a good cry and to let it all out to my DH and he couldn't understand why I was so upset and he has been the only one I have been able to talk too because my family and friends who know just avoid me or the conversation. Sorry for going on, I think I might try your idea of calling the misccariage association just to get the thoughts out of my head and not bottle it all up. Thanks for listening smile

jinglebellmel Thu 26-May-16 13:12:20

Sorry for your losses Caza, I've only had one so can't imagine what 4 must feel like. Are you receiving any investigation, that might help you feel like you are taking charge and help mentally. I can totally understand why your brother's news would feel like a punch in the stomach. I'd second calling the miscarriage association and trying to start the counciling again.

caza25 Thu 26-May-16 18:40:25

Thanks for your message. After the investigation of the three mc, they found I had sticky blood. The 4th mc was then chromosomal which they said was bad luck. There is always that feeling what next. I think I will try the miscarriage association. Thanks for listening.

jinglebellmel Fri 27-May-16 11:11:48

Oh it's awful isn't it? Sometimes you just wonder when it's going to be your turn for good luck. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone make you think that what you're feeling is wrong xx

Hopefullywaiting Fri 10-Jun-16 01:07:42

Hi there
I am so very sorry for all your losses flowersflowersflowersflowers
I have had one early loss and still struggling 2 years on. I can't imagine how 4 must feel I don't think I could cope. Your very strong.

I can completely see why this news would be so difficult for you. I am saddened and angry on your behalf that your family and friends have offerd no support or not made you feel supported after all youve been through.

I know it's hard to know what to say for the best sometimes and that they can't change what has happend, but at least the thought would be there. It sound like they have made no attempt at all which is pretty poor behaviour.

I can sympathise with you regarding your husband. Mine has a similar attitude thinks I'm "dwelling" on it and should move on. again I have not Been through what you have and can't imagine how you must feel. I can relate to the feelings of not having anyone to talk too as it seems miscarriage is a very lonely place, yet there are many of us going through it all the time.

I would whole heartily recommended the miscarriage association. I have called them at various stages since the miscarriage and in some very dark time. Each advisor I have spoken to have been nothing but lovely. I have kept One of there details aside, should I feel I need to call again.

I keep reading that Sands is good so would echo what a previous poster has said about getting in touch with them also as it can't hurt to have more than one outlet.

I really would start the counselling after all the losses you have faced I think you need a professional ear to help. I have had Cbt and have found that beyond helpful for really exploring and expressing my feelings around it all, (have found it to be nothing like a talking therapy) as although I had the one loss there are some complicated issues surrounding it all, with health, fertility worries and circumstantial issues.

My therapist has got me to understand we are going through a process that cannot be sped up, it tends to be the stages of grief ( there are 7 stages). It is a journey we have to take (as difficult as it is to stay with) with no shortcuts or scenic routes. Once we have completed our journey and faced our grief, ( the last stage is acceptance) it makes it easier to move forward.
She has also helped me to feel validated in how I feel and helped me understand I have every right to feel how I feel instead of feeling guilt and in by living in something called an ought self I am only delaying the process. I can tell you more if you would like me too.

I think having someone that has the time to really listen to you and give you the space to talk and make you feel validated would be so helpful. that is a way to process it to be able to start healing.

I hope my message was OK and I did not upset you regarding your friends and family not being supportive. Feel free to pm me. I wish you peace and luck for the future
flowers Xxxx

caza25 Sat 11-Jun-16 21:07:41

Thank you very much hopefully waiting, your message is lovely. You have been so kind taking the time to write such a thoughtful message.

It has been a really tough year and a half, my heart is filled with so much sadness. Luckily I have a little girl who is my world and has helped me to continue to laugh and to enjoy life. But I just feel that my life has been on hold and that I am not living it to its full because of the sadness I have.

I have hope for the future and that I can have another baby but i am so fearful. It has been really tough health wise since my last misccariage I am just hope that everything is ok.

I hope that you have had good luck since your misccariage.

Thanks again for being so kind and taking the time to talk to me.

Xx

Jenniep55 Mon 13-Jun-16 21:49:04

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses caza25. Please don't think that you're being dramatic, you've had a devastating time and are completely entitled to feel this way. I don't know him but perhaps your DH is forcing himself to think that way as a way of coping himself.

I know what you mean when you talk of your friends and family. Mine got in touch the first week but I think they all expect me to be back to normal now. I had my 12 week scan 3 weeks ago and found out that I'd had a mmc at 7 weeks and just feel so heartbroken. It was my first pregnancy. One of my friends who knows my situation actually sent me a photo of their 12 week scan this evening and it hurt so much.

I really hope that everything works out the way you want, you deserve it after all you've been through x

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