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How to move on......

(6 Posts)
Lonelyfox Sun 15-May-16 20:25:19

Hi everyone.
I'm still getting over my ERPC I had on Thursday. This is my second loss - a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks this time around.
Last time I struggled alone with a "natural miscarriage" but as surgery was involved this time, a lot more people have found out. My question is - how does everyone else cope in this situation?
I guess I'm fortunate (in a way) that I have no children to look after and so I can be quite selfish at the moment with my time but I'm struggling to figure out how to snap out of this.
I'm staying at my parents place this weekend as I didn't feel up to travelling back to my home but everyone is doing my head in. I wish I had a way of escaping.
I know they're only trying to protect me but my husband and mum keep trying to sneak my phone away from me as not only do they think I'm spending too much time on forums, but 2 of my friends have just put up their 12 week scans on Facebook today & they think I haven't seen them yet.
I just want to block everyone out. I'm not answering phone calls and I'm ignoring texts from my friends. Am I being incredibly immature? I just want the ground to swallow me whole.
I'm the last one of my friends to have children and as far as I'm aware, I'm also the only one to have lost a baby. If one more person tells me that "at least I know I can get pregnant" I think I might hit them.
I work for our family business so I don't even have any way to escape to another environment. I don't know what to do.
Does anyone have any tips? Or is this just a long and lonely journey.
I know I'm alienating myself but I just can't seem to help it.
This sucks beyond belief.

almostthirty Sun 15-May-16 20:31:05

This may sound ridiculous, but I bought the noah and the whales album at the same time as my miscarriage (coincidence) but listening to it really helped. Just being on my own with chocolate listening to the album in order was therapeutic. It starts with life goes on and then had a song called tonight could be the night etc.
Be kind to yourself and take it easy. You will find something that will help you cope and get through.
But I completely get the irritation of other people. They were just so nice and kind it drove me bonkers. I just wanted to shout stop being so nice and piss off!!
Sorry for your loss xx

cuckoowith2 Sun 15-May-16 20:38:59

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say that I am right there with you! Just had my 3rd mc in under a year. So fed up, the world and his wife are getting pregnant and having babies and I just want them all to disappear! With each miscarriage iv had someone close to me has fallen at around the same time so iv had to watch them going through it when I should have been! It's just nice to know we are not alone! Xx

Lucinda15 Mon 16-May-16 07:04:26

So sorry lonely for your loss, and almost and cuckoo. What you are feeling is totally totally normal. And yes, unfortunately I found it a very long road. It may be different for others but it was a very long process that often changed and came in waves. Like cuckoo I have recently had my third mc in under a year. Woth my last one, I remember coming home and lying in bed wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, I didn't know what to do with the pain. It just hurt so much to be losing again. With each one, close friends/family have announced pregnancies at the same stage mine were and I've had to watch them grow and eventually watch everyone coo over the babies. It's been so very hard. In my experience, these forums have helped immensely. I don't think I could have got by without them. Talking and sharing experiences with other people who have been through it has been so helpful for me. And as time has gone on, my family who were initially quite supportive, began to give the impression that I should be 'over it by now'. So I bottled it up and tried to move on. Which didn't help at all and I struggled. Eventually I referred myself for the free NHS counselling. There was a really long wait (3 months) but I've just finished my last session and it has been so good. If that's something you think might help, I recommend speaking to your GP and referring yourself - if the appt comes round and you don't feel you need it, then that's ok. But if you do need it then make use of it. The miscarriage association are also great - the website is so useful with some great advice, and i have called their helpline in some of my darkest moments Which really helped. Please just be kind to yourself, if your work situation allows try to take some time off work. And dnt feel you should or shouldn't be doing or behaving a certain way. It is totally normal to feel like this. And it will get better I promise. Just don't be hard on yourself. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Lonelyfox Mon 16-May-16 09:49:16

Thanks so much for your replies. It really is quite cathartic to write things down.
I think I am quite literally starting to go crazy. A week ago I was a happy, positive and nice person.
Today, I am bitter, angry and disillusioned.
I have rapidly turned into the black sheep of the family that no-one wants to talk to or knows what to say. I feel like I'm walking around in a horrible bubble of poison. I can hear whispered conversations behind closed doors and rushed silences when I walk into a room.
I know that I'd be gutted if everyone started being horrible to me, but the incessant "nice-ness" is just grating.
I am still in a lot of physical pain and am struggling when someone sees me wince and ask if I'm ok not to scream "actually no, I'm not ok. I just had my baby ripped out of me".
I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to be left alone but I have nowhere to go. I work with my family at my parents home, and my mother in law lives practically next door to my own home. Although she will be very busy this week as my sister in law delivered their first born 2 hours ago.
Does anyone think it would be totally unacceptable of me not to go and see them? I just don't know if I will be able to face it. F**ck. What a mess!
It's such a strange feeling to be pushing my closest family and husband away from me. I can see how much damage I am doing, and I can see their patience wearing very thin now, but I can also see that I'm no-where near done with my destructive behaviour. Has anyone else here gone away for a while? Did it help? I really think that if I had a spare few £hundred, I'd be straight down to the airport with my passport.

Lucinda15 Mon 16-May-16 11:57:23

Absolutely totally fine NOT to visit the newborn. Far too soon for that! And you shouldn't need to explain yourself. I met my first newborn only 2 weeks after my first mc and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I wasn't strong enough and it sent me into a spiral. It took 4 months to feel relatively ok around a baby again. And even now, 10 months on, it creates an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach being around them.

Perhaps see your GP about your feelings. See if you can refer yourself for the counselling, as it will take time and may be worth getting the ball rolling now. Or call the miscarriage association. They were really so helpful when I found myself at my wits end one day. I posted on here a lot, but sometimes I needed to vent and make noise and hear someone hear me. If you know what I mean. And for that matter, I needed someone who understood to hear me. And the lady on the end of the phone did understand. And it was such a relief.

Can you go for a walk, get out the house to clear your head and get away from the whispers? I know it must be so hard being around that when u need to be alone. I'm sure they all care very much, but it is such a confusing time to be on the outside and they don't know what to do. Would it help if you could ask your family to give you privacy? Say you need to be alone for the time being? Tell them you will be in touch when you are ready?

I didn't go away, I only had time off work. And I pottered about the house, and kept myself to myself. I didn't really see anyone other than DH. I drank a lot of wine! And ate nice food. And cried. It was all I could manage! I did spectacularly lose my temper with the neighbours and unleashed all my anger on them one day, shouting and screaming at them for playing music too loudly. Came back in and sobbed and sobbed and felt a lot better!! Not sure they understood, but it helped me!!

I hope you can find some peace soon, but it's totally understandable to be feeling so awful at the moment. I am thinking of you x

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