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Told no heartbeat at scan can't cope

(13 Posts)
Beyondheartbreak Fri 13-May-16 13:39:26

Hi everyone,

I had been struggling so much with nausea and all day sickness, cravings and aversions for whole pregnancy up to my scan. I was told in a really NON emotional way there was no heartbeat and the baby had not grown for 3 weeks. I understand everyone's loss are hard however it happens but going in for a scan after having zero bleeding or cramps or no change of systems has left me really damaged I don't know how I can get over it.
I have been thinking about it since the day over and over every minute.
I haven't been out much to avoid seeing children and pregnant ladies. I don't want to become bitter but the shock was unreal.
At the scan they couldn't wait for me to leave quick enough and just gave me the leaflets. I know the NHS is under pressure but in this kind of department I would expect time for losses to be built in to the clinic list.

I feel totally heartbroken I am considering asking my GP for counselling.

My partner doesn't deal with emotional stuff well and he is probably more upset than me but hiding it. He didn't do any research and I don't think understands the concept of a missed miscarriage.

Reading others stories on here helped me slightly so maybe this would help someone see they are not alone. I am scared to get pregnant again in the future in case I go through this again.

In addition I was signed off from work, have an unsupportive work place and I don't know how I am going to tell them when I go back next week. Lots of the colleagues will ask what happened and I don't want people to know as they are not my friends sad

redexpat Fri 13-May-16 13:50:20

I'm sorry this happened to you. flowersI understand that it must have come as a real shock as you were still experiencing pregnancy symptoms.

I think asking the GP for counseling is a really good idea. It happens more often than you think, but is rarely talked about openly. I'm sure some more informed posters will be along soon.

gingerbreadmanm Fri 13-May-16 14:03:10

I'm so sorry beyond. i have been there and it's an awful place to be.

I know you won't believe this right now but in time, things will feel better.

Have you had any thoughts on how you are going to manage your miscarriage?

Once again, so sorry. flowers

Beyondheartbreak Fri 13-May-16 15:50:19

Thank you, trying to pass at home but I doubt this will happen. Going back in next week. Just feel lost can't leave the house. Gained a lot of weight as when I wasn't throwing up I felt like eating constantly. Feel like there's a massive mountain ahead of me.

dilys4trevor Fri 13-May-16 16:17:32

I'm so sorry.

Re work, can you call your boss and tell him/her to tell people discretely (if they knew you were pregnant?) so you don't get the agonising questions. If people didn't know you were pregnant at work then maybe just say you've been off because you were ill.

flowers

gingerbreadmanm Fri 13-May-16 16:39:44

With work i would just say you were ill.

I dont want to overwhelm you on here so will just let you know there is lots of information in the miscarraige thread about what to expect if you would feel better knowing.

Probably far from your mind right now but you are extra fertile following mc so might be something to see you through this awful experience. My friend went through this, discovering it at the 12 week scan. It reallt is terrible especially given ur symptoms. She has a gorgeous happy three year old now!

Jsy123 Fri 13-May-16 20:27:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My first miscarriage (and pregnancy) was a missed miscarriage discovered at 11 weeks. Every miscarriage is heartbreaking but I agree that it feels particularly cruel that your body essentially tricks you into believing everything is ok when in fact it isn't.

My miscarriage happened in April 2014, since then I had another miscarriage and then a successful pregnancy. Even though I've had my rainbow baby I am still so sad about that first missed miscarriage. I just can't seem to shake the sadness off. Knowing how it's affected me, I would say that I would definitely recommend some sort of counselling especially if your husband isn't the type of person you can talk your feelings and emotions over with.

As for being scared that it might happen again, I'm afraid I have no advice of how to appease that fear, all I can say is that worrying doesn't change the outcome of anything so try to stay positive. The odds are in your favour that your next pregnancy will be a successful one.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to be angry and sad. Again, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. X

Beyondheartbreak Fri 13-May-16 22:05:16

Thank you for the kind messages. If I had another miscarriage again after this I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Feeling so unwell for basically three months makes it harder for me as it was really dehabilitating and isolating for me.

Re work I do just want to tell them I was unwell but I was signed off for 6 weeks and if the reason is just Gastro etc rather than pregnancy it won't look good on my sickness record ?

Went to the supermarket earlier and almost cried at all the mums pushing in buggies.

gingerbreadmanm Sat 14-May-16 23:26:07

Well whatever you put on your sicknote should be confidential. Maybe tell your line manager / hr the truth but say you want it to go no further.

I really dont want to turn the thread onto me but following my mmc i fell pregnant again straight away. If u google there is a miscarriage risk percentage thing by week that kept me going.

Imaginosity Sun 15-May-16 08:16:44

That happened to me too. I went to the 12 week scan with not a worry in the world. I'd had morning sickness that very day so I didn't doubt for a second that I was pregnant. When the scan was done I was told there was no heartbeat and I could see a still baby on the screen. I thought initially the sonographer was playing some strange joke on me - it took a a minute or two to register what he was saying. Then it was complete emptiness leaving the hospital with nothing - everyone else in the waiting room was now on a journey that I wasn't part off. The midwife I spoke to after was really kind but I didn't want pity and kept saying that i'd be fine and would try again.

I went home and felt really depressed. I remember lying in bed thinking what's the point in going anywhere or doing anything.

It was hard in the hospital - I had medical management of miscarriage and had to stay in overnight. Other people at the hospital were having babies and I was taking pills to kickstart everything being emptied out of me. When I went downstairs on the lift to the shop there was people arriving with balloons and gifts for new babies.

When I went back to work it was awkward telling the few people I had told that I was no longer pregnant. I had told some people as i'd been really sick and was almost 12 weeks. Some people were lovely but some were awkward and didn't mention it.
Does anyone you work with know you were pregnant? You could just tell your manager the real reason you're out and tell her not to tell the others but just make up an illness if you are not comfortable telling them.

I'm 20 weeks now and everytime I go for a scan I expect that same thing to happen again and I'm a bit surprised everytime they say there is a heartbeat.

Beyondheartbreak Sun 15-May-16 21:58:45

I can so sympathise with the sick joke thing, that's what I thought at first. I was just worried about the screening outcome.

I haven't told anyone at work, I may say it's sensitive/ gyane related and tell my manager however this may give it away!!!!??? Really stressful.

Keep seeing so many pregnant women and buggies, it sounds bad but when I see really fat women or people smoking/ screaming at their other kids etc I just feel it's so unfair sad

Shockingundercrackers Sun 15-May-16 22:07:43

Oh love. A missed miscarriage is a terrible thing. Really, really hard to bear. Like others on this thread I had one (and then another, not missed one) and then a beautiful happy baby boy. You won't feel this now, but you have so much hope and joy still ahead of you. Please don't despair.
Make sure you read the miscarriage threads when you can bare to, much helpful advice on there for managing this at home. If you need counselling, take it. If you need time off, take it. This is hard, physically, mentally, emotionally, but you will get through it. You are strong.
My heart breaks for you and all you are going through but please, don't lose hope.

Imaginosity Sun 15-May-16 22:50:36

People in work won't be asking too many questions - just tell them something vague like it was a virus which you were treated for and are better. No need to go into detail. When I went back to work the people who didn't know I'd been pregnant were not that interested in why I'd been off sick.

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