Feeling numb after culmination of late mc and two early mc's

[JOMH1982]

Hi,
I am not really sure why I am posting, except that I am just well and truly distraught after three baby losses in 2.5 years.

We have a 4 year old daughter who, thankfully, is our ray of sunshine through the bleakness of recent years. We lost a little girl at 19+6 ten days before Christmas last year, due to suspected infection and/or "incompetent cervix" (I hate that term, makes you feel like such a failure). Life has been so incredibly dark since this time, the pain of our most recent loss In particular has been so traumatic. I lost my waters at 19 weeks and I nearly went into kidney failure with the sepsis that ensued, I am lucky to be here tbh, but I ache so much for the perfect little girl we lost. We have lost two babies prior to this loss (mc no. 1 at 7 weeks, and mc no. 2 at 10 weeks which took 10 months to resolve through two lots of tablets and two D and C's, which was very upsetting as I lived through the miscarriage for longer than I would have been pregnant).

I have been in counselling and CBT since February, I go to acupuncture, and I am now in a position where I am starting to enjoy some elements of life again, but I was wondering whether anyone else felt incredibly lonely? I am surrounded by lots of friends who have recently had babies, and although some have had their struggles, no one has had a late loss like me (thank god, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it is the worst pain imaginable to deliver your dead child) and most have luckily not experienced any losses at all, but I feel like my friendships have also changed. Some don't know what to say anymore as we have been losing babies and grieving all three cumulatively for so long, and don't say anything at all, which is hurtful in itself, and others I think just think I'm over it and "you'll have another one, it'll be fine". I do want to try again, and am having level one tests done at st Mary's and level two tests done at Care, but it is all so sad that my youngest daughter is gone, my living eldest child is missing being a big sister, and we just feel so lost and wondering what we did to deserve all this pain...

Sorry about the long post. Just feeling like the odd one out and wondering why we are going through all this, baby loss is all-consuming and ever so lonely.

Thanks for reading xx

[Paige84]

It's a dark, dark place. But remember you're not alone. People care. I know we're only a bunch of nicknames and written words and I know I don't know how you feel because only you can know that. But I do know how utterly wrecked and broken I feel so I can only imagine with empathy how hard this has been for you.
I'll say it again, strangers or not, people care about you.

Take care xx

[JOMH1982]

What a lovely and kind message, thank you very much. It really is a very dark place...I had to run out of a 4 year old's birthday party yesterday as had had a pregnancy announcement (17 weeks, so not far off from where I was, which totally freaked me out) and there were small baby dollies on the floor, it was all too much with the noise as well. I just cried and cried for an hour in my car, nearly 5 months on it is still so painful and so many of my friends have newborns right now when I should too.

I have felt very lonely, but thank god for online forums, as I don't know anyone (thankfully) who has gone through this and I would feel even worse without being able to chat to anyone at all.

Thank you for your kind words, they're a real comfort :) I hope that this week goes easier for you and that you are managing some sleep xx

[purpleRH]

I am so, so sorry for everything you are going through. Please keep talking and know you are not alone with this. I can't imagine how difficult the birthday party was. Give yourself time and space and if you're not up to social gatherings, just give them a miss for a while. Comments from friends and family that don't fully understand can seem so insensitive, even if they mean well. You must put yourself first and allow time to grieve.

[gingerbreadmanm]

jo i am so sorry. You have been through such a terrible time.

I had an mmc discovered at 9wks (but not over until 14wks due to complications) followed by the stillbirth of my son at 27wks so i maybe have an idea of what you're going through.

People do care but i get what you mean about feeling alone. I'm often there too. I think unless you have been through this you have no idea what it's like.

Are you thinking about trying again? Are they invesigating?

[Marmiteontoast76]

So sorry you've been through this heartache. I understand the feeling of loneliness around friends/family/work colleagues etc. I've had two late losses in the past year - one at 20 weeks (baby had died at 14 weeks) and one at 19 weeks (baby died at around 18 weeks) and it's the darkest time of my life. Three months on and things are getting slowly better, but then have big set backs like when a colleague left a 'congrats on your new baby boy' card on my desk for me to sign as other lady with same name as me had just had a healthy baby boy - i cried in the loos.

This board has been an absolute life saver, has made me realise others are going through similar heartache.....like you I don't know many friends/family who have. Been feeling like some kind of medical freak.

Sending you big (un-mumsnetty) hugs.

[caza25]

I read your message and I just want to give you a big hug. I am sorry for your lose, it is so difficult and dark. I am going to counselling tomorrow to try and cope with my feelings and emotions. It is so hard going through the pain, I am like you I have a 4 year old and the joy she gives us just lifts my heart. I hope you are able to get the help you need, you are so not alone. I wish I could take everyone pain away and make things better for you and everyone. Xx

[JOMH1982]

Thank you very much for your kind words and "un mumsnetty" hugs :) lol.

This week has been slightly better, but I still bump into people at work who don't know and they're surprised to see me when I should be off on maternity leave. The dark times are becoming further apart,but I just miss my baby girl so awfully, particularly when my 4 year old asks will she have a brother or sister one day, frequently.

We are nearly emotionally ready to try again, but we only had our initial consultation at st Mary's last week, and have repeat bloods in five weeks, and then follow up four weeks after that with the results, so it is probably best we wait a little while until we know for sure whether there is anything we need to be prepared for, or whether I need to take any medication when I get my next bfp. I'm dreading having another miscarriage, but I desire a second child so much I will probably keep going until someone tells me not to!

I am so sorry we are all on this thread and I am so sorry for all of your losses. It shouldn't be this hard to have a baby :(

J xx

[JOMH1982]

Why does no one understand?? My friends ask how I am, I tell them how numb I am and how distraught I am, and get nothing back. why ask of you're not going to enter the conversation? I keep getting flashbacks of seeing my baby moving around and a cavernous hole where the waters were about to go, it will stay with me for life. it haunts me eveyday, I just don't know how to live anymore