Struggling after late miscarriage

[Paige84]

I know it might be "normal" (whatever normal is in these awful situations) but I'm really struggling right now after losing my baby girl 3 weeks ago tomorrow. I had a scan at 15+6 which was perfect. She was moving around lots and all looked fine. On the morning of the next day, I listened to her heartbeat (home doppler) and again, this was perfect. At 9pm, after two hours of severe pains my waters broke and at 11.48 that night she was born. I had to stay in hospital for 48hours on fluids and antibiotics as my temp was a little high (bloods confirmed no infection though). I was kept on the post-natal ward the whole time with women coming and going with their brand new bundles of joy.
It's now almost 3 weeks ago and in my old life I was the strong, solid and dependable one in any situation and crisis but right now, I'm just feeling completely broken. I'm finding it hard to get through the day without dissolving. Work is awful, I'm in charge of a group of 10 and I just don't care anymore. I don't sleep anymore and can't remember how to function. I don't even remember who I used to be. I've never felt so utterly lost, despite a partner who's doing his best but is already "over it" and moved on.
Sorry I've rambled on, I guess I just wondered if anyone out there has felt this low and managed to find a way out of this dark hole? I don't know how to carry on.

[KittyandTeal]

What you are feeling is normal, however, that doesn't make it any easier.

I have lost 2, one at 22 weeks and recently ds at 14 weeks. Ds was like your dd, perfect scans etc and died the day after our last scan.

3 weeks is no time at all. The world is a very strange place after you've lost a baby. My world changed 19th Jan 2015 when we got dd2s diagnosis. I am a different person after being through that. You do get through it some how and become able to function more and more.

Only you will know but I would say 3 weeks is far too early to be back at work. I'm 7 weeks after loosing ds, I have been diagnosed with ptsd but I am still on a phased return to my part time job.

Maybe consider going to the gp and getting signed off for a while, you need time to process things.

💐

[Merd]

Can't really put it better than Kitty.

My losses were earlier than both of yours but still floored me for a long time (months rather than weeks) and also changed me permanently.

There's just no timetable for grief, and this is the quietest sort that can be most difficult to share or explain to those who don't understand.

What a horrific experience it was for you too. I remember all the scans and being surrounded by young happy couples, and just having to go to a quiet place inside where none of it felt real.

This is a good place to ramble. Don't squash yourself away or think you're strange for reacting like this - you're not.

and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

[Paige84]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I lost my daughter on the 18th December, I was 19 weeks pregnant and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl, she lived for 3 minutes and died in her daddy's arms. I still cry every day but it's getting easier, life will never be the same but the raw pain does ease, 3 weeks is still so early please be kind to yourself.

[Snoopysimaginaryfriend]

paige I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

I have had three miscarriages, all before twelve weeks and I can completely relate to the problems you have at work. Do you have an oh department you can speak to? I personally just had to say 'I can't do this anymore' and moved from the team I was working on to something a lot less stressful whilst I recovered

[monkeytree]

Hi Paige

Another one here, lost my ds at 20 weeks just over a year ago. So sorry for your loss, good advice given by these lovely ladies - you are not alone even though it can feel that way. x Early days for you. You never get over this but somehow functioning on a daily basis does get easier, its very raw for you x

[Paige84]

Thank you ladies.
I would say "at least I'm not alone" but the fact we're all here for similar reasons is heartbreaking in itself.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope you all find some peace through this x

[JOMH1982]

Hi Paige,

I lost my daughter at 19+6 ten days before Christmas last year due to a combination of an infection and weak cervix. I have never know anything so terrifying and I was completely floored with the trauma and emotion. I can fully identify with yOur feelings as I was kept on labour ward for three days as I had sepsis and needed careful monitoring, and it was horrendous hearing all the newborns.

Yeah will hear this phrase a lot, but be gentle on yourself. You have been through a horrific time, and it takes time for the rawness to soften. It would have been my daughters due date today, so it is a very sad day for me, but I can say that there is some light and am managing to re piece life together. I have had some help from the doctors though, and have been on sleeping medication and anxiety tablets, and have also tapped into some bereavement counselling. Do you have a bereavement midwife? Might be worth chatting with your r go about how you're feeling, and take time off work if you need it. I was off work for three months, which wirked for me, but maybe work is a good distraction for you.

Yeah, and all of us, will find happier times ahead xx

[Paige84]

I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I don't have a bereavement midwife. I saw my go a few days after I'd been discharged from hosp but am a bit worried about going back. I'm terrified of having more time off work (I had a week) because it's all I have and if I'm not there they have to find someone else to do my duties and run the day for everyone and I'm scared I'll lose my job if I keep leaving them to struggle.
I do agree that perhaps some sleeping meds might help. I've not really fallen asleep in over a week and think that's contributing to how ill I feel at the moment.
I'm just exhausted by life right now and need a break. I need to run away and hide in a cave for a while I think. x

[Marmiteontoast76]

Paige I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 3 weeks is no time at all since your tragic loss. I lost my dd in Sept (20 wk scan revealed she had died at about 14/15 weeks) and I was so desperate to get back to some kind of normal that I was back in the office 2.5 weeks later, even before the funeral. Looking back it was too soon. I was not emotionally strong enough for work and cried in the loos most days.

Sadly, I've had another late loss since then (turns out I have a thyroid problem so def shouldn't have got preg again so quickly but that's another story) and with both losses I had a brain fog which slowed me down and made doing even the smallest tasks a struggle. It's 2 months since my latest loss and things ARE getting better. The fog has lifted and I'm now able to focus on making nice future plans. I'm still heartbroken but I doubt that will leave me but the feeling will get less intense as months go by. I've taken 10 weeks off work this time to recover.

3 weeks after a loss I felt my hormones were going bonkers in preparation for my first period but they calmed down once it arrived exactly one month after the loss and then my emotions settled a bit. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

[KittyandTeal]

Could you get your gp to sign you off? Surely you can't loose your job if you're signed off sick.

I actually think you do need to find a cave and hunker down for a little while (my cave was my house and I didn't leave save for shopping trips for weeks and weeks after loosing dd2)

[KittyandTeal]

Oh yes and first period hormones made me feel like I was close to a mental breakdown, both times.

[Paige84]

I have been particularly irrational this week but don't know if that's hormones or just to be expected. I hate not feeling in control of myself. Work today was awful. I literally had to walk away from a heated discussion with one of the girls (over her wanting a change of hours) chewing my lips to stop myself from screaming at her "I just don't care about any of this!" At least it's Friday tomorrow hey x

[KittyandTeal]

It's so hard to tell in those first few weeks what is hormones and what is plain raw emotion. I guess it doesn't really matter which.

Are you getting any time to yourself? I know it sounds odd but I started colouring as a way of relaxing, or tucking myself up in bed and listening to a podcast. My counsellor suggested baking or gardening but I'm terrible at both so that would frustrate me but maybe it would work for you?

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I still struggle with not yelling "I really don't give a fuck about that" to people who are talking to me, my head feels like it's going to explode and I just want people to stop talking at me because I simply don't care about the kardashians/beyonce/that the shop down the road was robbed etc. Mostly now I can just let it wash over me whilst silently wishing for silence but in the early days I would have to just walk away before I either cried or screamed in their faces.

Do you think getting signed off for a few weeks would be beneficial?

[Sammythemummy]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I lost my dd at 30weeks 3 weeks today, I'm getting much better but there's no way I would've been able to get back to work! I know you've said you can't take time off due to the nature of your job but I would strongly consider it if things don't get better.

I have pockets of my day where I don't think about my beautiful dd and then I see pregnant women and it hits me....

Having said that, time is definitely helping me

[Paige84]

Sorry for your loss too.

I lost it a few times at work today. The first time was only with a colleague but the second time I was dealing with an emergency and the client just happened to be heavily pregnant. I crumbled.
My other half is away on a lads weekend this weekend (he's fine apparently and at least with him gone I don't have to pretend all weekend that I'm ok) so I've decided to drive to the beach. There's one particular beach I've always loved in the middle of nowhere so the dog and I are taking a scenic drive in a few hours to be there for sunrise. I have no idea why I think this is a good idea but it's peaceful so, why not, I guess.

[KittyandTeal]

The beach sounds like a perfect idea. Sounds like you need some peace right now.

Please consider getting signed off though

[JOMH1982]

How was the beach? Three weeks is no time at all, I hope you are sleeping better, and consider some time off to grieve if you can, it's such a trauma you have experienced xx

[Paige84]

The beach was pretty, wild and beautiful watching the tide come in tonight. I couldn't face going back to the real world though so I've just checked into a guest house for the night. Tried to accept a call from a friend earlier but I got upset in the middle of a chat about shoes (?it makes no sense at all!) so I'm now alienating my friends purely because I can't keep up the pretence of being bloody fine! Why is it I feel like a div every time I get upset? The rational part of my mind knows I have every right to be upset and it's not something to be embarrassed about but I feel so ashamed for being upset and making people feel awkward around me x

[KittyandTeal]

That sounds like a lovely way to spend the day and well done for taking yourself out of the real world for a bit, you need it.

I know what you mean about not wanting to make others feel awkward. I tend to cry on my own or in my counselling sessions or at dd2 and ds's 'spot' where their ashes are.

It's very soon but sands groups are brilliant places to go and feel like what you're feeling and going through is normal. I found myself more and more involved in the baby loss community because it just fits a bit better for me now

[JOMH1982]

I couldn't agree with you more, Kitty and Teal, I have been to a couple of Sands groups and find these helpful as I feel like I "fit in" a bit mo the than with my previous social circles.

That's very kind that your friend reached out to you, and I am sure they will understand that you will get upset over what may seem like trivial things, but what is really a reminder of care free worries before baby loss. I have bad days still, but at three weeks I was such a wreck, I am in awe that you are even managing to leave the house. You are stronger than you think, but don't feel like you have to keep the pretence up, feel how you want to feel, it is ok.

Just take each day at a time, moments like those at the beach are ones to give your. Ind some respite from the grief. I hope you got on ok at the guest house and are finding some peace this morning.

Thinking of you x

[JOMH1982]

Wishing you a brighter day today xx

[Paige84]

I've been sent home from work. I hate being the wreck I've become. Everything just seems to be crumbling down around me.
I've just spoken to the hospital and I'm going in to see my gorgeous one shortly and arrange the service, I'm hoping perhaps some closure or something? A bit afraid it'll make things worse but then figure I couldn't really get any lower right now x

[JOMH1982]

Bless you, it sounds like you've done your best to carry on with "normality", but maybe you need more time to grieve. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and just take each hour as it comes. Enjoy those cuddles, it will be tough, but you will look back in years to come and be glad you did. Sending you a big hug xx