Spare room - sadness at how it should be occupied

[monkeytree]

Hi
I'm lucky to have two dd's but in feb 15 I lost my ds at 20 weeks. I'm 42 now and have been ttc without success for nearly a year with low ovarian reserve another child is unlikely to happen now.

Today I had a weep because we have been changing rooms for dd2 and decorating her new bedroom and her old room would have become ds's had he come along. It is a pleasant room with a bed setee. I find myself sitting in there sometimes and crying at what could have been, knowing it is unlikely to be occupied now. Probably will be a guest/laundry room. I torture myself by imagining it painted out for ds. Just wondered if this has happened to anyone else? I knew it was going to happen, just like I know all the baby related stuff from dd2 will soon need to be packed away, just struggling with all of this when in my heart I feel I should be mum to 3. Sometimes I yearn to move somewhere with just enough bedrooms to accommodate us as this feels really painful.

[BottleBeach]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can see why this room would be a place where you would connect with your grief for your DS, and perhaps that's just something you need to allow yourself space for. When you feel ready, I wonder if the room could be used for something that brings you pleasure, rather than a default laundry room? Yoga? Craft? Painting?

[KittyandTeal]

I do this with our extra room. We have a big en suite room downstairs that we were going to move into once dd2 needed her own room, she would have ours opposite dd1. We lost her at 22 weeks then ds at 14. I cannot bring myself to move into the bigger room. It feels too final even though I know we will never have another.

I have even asked my dh if we can move house, it feels too big for just the 3 of us but there are so many memories her.

I can't help because I have no idea what to do but I wanted you to know you're not the only one feeling like this. 💐

[monkeytree]

Hi Kitty

I've read some of your posts with great sadness. I think I'm right in thinking that you have had two late losses and I am so, so sorry one is devastating enough x

I think I just wanted confirmation that I was not going mad thinking like this and that I am not the only one thinking like this so thank you. And yes, sometimes I think a move would be refreshing and what I need and then at other times as you say there are memories and dd1 really doesn't want to move so feel a bit stuck really. I know a couple of other people who live in houses with far more rooms than they probably actually need so we are not alone with this but it does seem sad that we have the space in our homes as well as our hearts for more dc's but this hasn't happened for us....wishing you all the best x

[KittyandTeal]

Yes, 2 late losses.

I think the most constructive thing would be to find something constructive with the room but I'm in no position to suggest what as I'm stuck too! Ours will probably end up being a guest room or a bigger room for dd1 to move into when she's older.