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feeling lost and alone - how to return to normal?

(14 Posts)
Nugget2016 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:38:11

lost my baby monday night at 10w1 day
feeling completely at a loss , partner blames me, no one around me seems to understand, im bombarded with comments such as at least it was early or you can always try again, this just makes it worse and i feel as though my grief isnt understood,
The doctor signed me off work for one week, she said i should feel better after a week but as each day goes by i feel worse, i can barely manage to get out of bed and im lucky if i get one hours sleep. I am due back to work on tuesday, emotionally i dont think i am ready at all, i work in a health centre, on front of house, so all day im surrounded by families, or angry patients etc.
how do i face going back to work and keeping myself from falling apart? i just wanna shut the world out

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Hoppinggreen Sat 23-Apr-16 10:46:02

Im sorry for your loss.
It's awful that your partner is being unsympathetic, is he generally like this or is he struggling to cope too?
People will say awful things to you, some of them are arseholes but most just won't know what to say so will say somethimg crass. They don't mean it, they just don't understand. My DH and family are generally great but they had no idea what to say or do.
There is no timescale for this and it will always be with you, my mc was 12 years ago and evennow I have bad days sometimes but it will start to get a bit easier every day. You won't get over it but you can eventually find a way to get around it if that makes sense. Take another week off work if you need it, I'm sure your GP will sign you off.
It help d me to make a donation to a local children's hospice in my baby's name and each year I donate to them at Christmas and they light a candle for him/her ( 12 weeks so too early to tell)
Sending ypu kind thoughts x

Duckdeamon Sat 23-Apr-16 10:50:52

Am very sorry.

First, if you need more time off for mental health reasons go back to your GP and see what they say.

People say all kinds of crap! Not nice to deal with.

The miscarriage association has good info. Boards on here and baby sites can be a good source of support.

Whatever his emotions about what's happened your partner's response is terrible. He needs to change it sharpish and educate himself about the causes of pregnancy loss. Of course it's not your fault! flowers

Behaviour like that could be a deal-breaker in a relationship IMO, especially if he's done other things to hurt you.

Nugget2016 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:59:33

we havent really been "together" since i found out i was pregnant, he wanted me to get an abortion, because it didnt look good for him having a baby with me
we worked together, have been seeing each other for one year, but hes never been willing to commit cause of what people may say. wanted me to choose between the baby and him, so i did end things but hes still been "around" ie calling every now and again to see if im ok
me getting pregnant was an accident but i was made up, and he was not.
then he wanted me to quit my job, and because i never, losing the baby was my punishment, hes far from supportive and since i became pregnant i have seen a new side to him and i was willing to go it alone and thats probably the only good thing thats came out of all this is that his true colours have shown
the only thing that was keeping me strong after my relationship breakdown was the baby, and i now feel like im dealing with both the loss of my relationship but also the loss of a baby, and all the thoughts and hopes i had about the future.

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Duckdeamon Sat 23-Apr-16 11:23:57

sadangry It's hard, to have all that to deal with at once. Eventually you'll be much, much happier off without this awful man. Sounds like even before the pregnancy he treated you very badly.

Suggest making a clean break with absolutely no contact with him, if you can.

Are there any kind friends or family to spend time with right now? Nice things you might do for yourself? Hope so.

Bollyroo Sat 23-Apr-16 11:25:50

Nugget, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Firstly, please know that it wasn't your fault. It happens far too often and you probably know several people who have been through the same thing and never mention it. Be prepared for people who don't understand to say the wrong thing. It's not you, it's them. Shake it off.

I had 3 last year and didn't tell anyone what I was going through and it nearly broke me so please find someone to talk to. You may find it weird and like you're bringing other people down but good friends are there to listen and will help you through. The best thing friends can do is listen. I also found yoga helped me.

Take as much time as you need. Your doctor will sign you off. You're not asking for anything unreasonable. It's emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. Good luck and I hope you have someone to give you a massive hug and a hot chocolate.

Duckdeamon Sat 23-Apr-16 11:42:34

I personally found counselling really helpful: perhaps if you still feel bad after a few weeks your GP could refer you, or in some areas you can self refer for mental health services.

The end of a toxic relationship is a lot to handle, as is pregnancy loss. It might take a while. Go easy on yourself.

Sounds like your job is stressful too! Sympathy on that too.

Nugget2016 Sat 23-Apr-16 12:59:21

when i seen the gp she gave me the number for self referral bereavement counselling, but they dont really deal with miscarriage and would only deal with it after 3 months
ive seen different support places on line so if in a few weeks i still feel the same ill go down this route
im due to see the gp on monday or tuesday to re assess things and see if i need medication, im presuming she meant sleeping tablets as i told her i wasnt sleeping properly

the people who knew i was pregnant havent really spoke to me sicne the miscarriage, i dont know if thats cause they dont know what to say or what but its quite upsetting that people are only there during my highs and not my lows, even my mum, who i live with atm has barely spoke to me as she thinks im being dramatic and doesnt understand why im upset cause i "never knew it"

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caza25 Sun 24-Apr-16 06:59:02

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so not your fault.

It can be such a lonely time even when you have a supportive partner. I am sorry that your partner has not been there for you.

I think some more time off is needed. I work in the back office so don't have to talk to people. But I don't think I could have talked to anyone in the front office without crying. Is there someone in work you can talk to so they could maybe support you when you do go back. I found my boss to be supportive and she helped to make sure I wasn't doing anything that was stressful.

I think counselling will help too, just someone to talk to. Generally society does not know how to react to misccariages and I have found it really hard. I have tried to accept it but it still hard when people are insensitive with their comments or lack of support.

It does take time, for the first few weeks I was all over the place. But day by day and week by week it changes. You never forget but you generally do start to function again, although your heart will always be different.

Take care and be gentle on yourself you are going through a lot. I hope that you have a good friend to talk to as that always helps.

Duckdeamon Sun 24-Apr-16 07:09:42

Sorry your mum is being rubbish too. If she's generally kind to you, and this is unlike her, perhaps print or email her a Miscarriage Association leaflet on "what not to say": she might "get" she's been unsupportive.
This worked for me with a sibling who'd said dreadful things! If she's generaly not great though best focus on prospects for you/her living elsewhere at some point!

The GP might've meant antidepressants? If you tell them you have other problems in addition to the mc and are struggling with those too they can provide info for any other mental health services available.

Duckdeamon Sun 24-Apr-16 07:12:28

Your closer friends who are avoiding you might also actually "step up" for you if you contact them, arrange to meet them: of course it'd be better if they'd done this already, but they might need a nudge or elbow!

Brenna24 Sun 24-Apr-16 07:16:54

I am really sorry this has happened to you. I found out at 10w1d that my baby's heart had stopped 2 weeks before, probably a day or two after my last scan. It took another week and a bit before I miscarried and it was absolute hell. Please don't blame yourself for it, we never found out the cause of mine but in most cases miscarriages at the stage we were at are because our babies weren't quite right genetically. Which is very common. Nothing we can do about that, except love and remember them.

One of my friends said when it happened to her she decided her baby wasn't ready to be born yet and had gone back to the waiting room until the time was right. Which I quite like as an idea. It sounds like your ex is a total Arse and you are well off without him. Your baby clearly has other ideas of who they want for a father and is waiting for that man to turn up. Grieve them, give them a name if that helps - mine is called Rowan and his or her due date would have been in 2 weeks. Try and find someone in real life to talk to who will listen and not judge. My friends were a godsend to me. Then cut the Arse out of your life and get your revenge on him by going on to have the best life ever. But before you get to that stage, give yourself permission to grieve. You have lost not only your baby but your relationship as well and the family you thought you were going to have. That is a lot to lose in 1 go and all of them things that on their own you would grieve, so it is ok to be hurting and upset now.


Brenna24 Sun 24-Apr-16 07:19:42

Oh and give your friends a nudge and tell them what you need them to do. They may just be struggling to know what to say and do. Hopefully some of them will step up, the ones that are worth putting your trust in will do. Most of my friends were great but my Mum was just not interested in dealing with it. She is not the best at things like that and would just get uncomfortable and change the subject.

Nugget2016 Sun 24-Apr-16 16:07:03

thanks everyone its good to have to somewhere just to write things without the worry of anything,
im gonna go back to the gp and see if i can extend my sick note as so far im struggling to even have conversations with people, god knows how i will stand there and have alcoholics and drug abusers shout at me all day which is usually the norm in my work.

i just worry that she will say no cause she expected me to be fine after a week and ready to face the world... im far from it really.

only 2 people from work knew that i was pregnant, one i am close to and the other is my boss, as my job is quite stressful i told her quite early on because i felt she needed to know so that if things were getting too much she knew why etc

i text them both when it happened as i obviously werent gonna be in work the next day and i know the support will be there when i return, but so far ive only spoke to the gp verbally about it, i dont know how to get the words out. Even people who do know when theyre asking how i am ill just say im fine because i dont know how to say whats really going on.

its definitely a rollercoaster ride of a emotions, ive had to deactivate fb because i know so many people that are pregnant and putting up scan pics, or baby pics and it just reminds me even more so what ive lost.

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