Secondary Infertility/late MC - DC's mentioned - Acceptance of no more children

[monkeytree]

Hi
Thanks for reading, the title of this post seems all jumbled but I think it matches my thoughts at the moment!
I had a late mc (20 weeks) last Feb and have been ttc for nearly a year without any success. I suppose my situation is not unexpected - I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve and I have just turned 42 so my chances are very slim of ever conceiving again. I have two lovely dd's 9 and 2 and feel eternally grateful for them however when I unexpectedly found out I was expecting my late ds and then lost him, I have struggled to accept that 2 dc will be my magic number. My immediate reaction was ttc again to somehow not replace my loss exactly but have another baby to help me heal from my loss and this is just not happening. I have been taking various supplements COQ10 being one of them and it seems to have lengthened my cycles over the past couple of months to where they should be. I got excited today with af not arriving and secretly took a pregnancy test only for it to be negative, instead of resisting the urge to do this (more likely entering into menopause). It just shows I can't let go and probably wont be able to until I officially enter menopause. Whilst there is a shred of hope, I cannot seem to let go. When I thought I might be pregnant (this time), I felt a mixture of joy and terror. Given my age (and my dh's age - he is quite a bit older than me) I do worry about any dc have genetic/medical problems, I also realised that I would worry the whole 9 months but on the other hand it felt like a potential gift and healing at last. When my late ds died I felt like he had left me a sign (I don't really believe in superstition but both our kitchen clock and dh's watch stopped on the day of his funeral) and I became convinced that this was a sign that everything was going to be O.K. I think that this was a bit of denial about what was actually happening to me. If I hadn't got pregnant a third time, I think I would have been very content with 2 dc, a little wistful that I didn't have more dc but overall content, it's really hard to let go and I do have regrets about not having dc's earlier etc. My dd2 was a miracle child as I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve when I had her. I do try to focus on my two daughters most of the time but it still feels like there is a gap where another child should be. I know that this seems ungrateful given what I do have and some ladies are struggling to have their first child but I wanted to get my thoughts out of my head as they are circling around now.