Losing the plot after 3 mc's

[Lucinda15]

I'm really struggling. I had my third consecutive mc 2.5 weeks ago. Found out at early reassurance scan that I'd had a missed mc. Initially devastated and couldn't stop crying for 48 hrs. Then felt strangely calm, accepted it and began to feel oddly 'normal'. I got on with work, and carried on with things. A week or so later I even went to a friends to visit her newborn and had a good long cuddle and felt fine. I think I'd started to come to terms with the fact there may not be another baby (I am so lucky to have one DS already).

Despite being 'ok' about all this, I feel I am coasting and I feel so heavy in my heart. I'm just trying to get on with it all.

But over the last few days I feel I'm unraveling a bit. My moods are very erratic, im snapping at DH and DS a lot. Which I feel terrible about. I am so thankful for what I have and love DS so much and if there were no more kids, I am so lucky and happy with what we have. I feel guilty for wanting more and being upset. Im trying not to be. But Im beginning to cry randomly. And I'm dreading a family do later today which will involve the whole family meeting a relatives new baby. There will be lots of baby talk and oohing and aahing and passing baby round for cuddles. And I think I'm freaking out a bit.

I don't know. I also feel that some people almost expect me to be ok because we have been thru it before. Like it gets easier? I don't know. But I feel I'm trying to be ok to keep up with their expectations almost.

I'm just feel very confused and have very uncomfortable feelings rumbling on in the background every day and I don't think I can control them anymore.

I know there are women out there with worse experiences and struggles, and I really am so grateful for what I have. I know it's just time that will help this. But I wish I could fast forward a few months and be past all this horrible bit. I feel I'm in a horrible groundhog day.

[Penguinepenguins]

I didn't want to read and run so I'm sending you a big hug and

I'm fairly sure that I'm going through my third miscarriage and it doesn't get any easier, I think it gets harder and harder but people who haven't been through it dont understand it the first time by the time the third times comes around I think they can't figure out why your so upset about it again...

It's because each time hits you like a friggin sledge hammer and it's not just the loss of a baby, it's the hope, the dream, the what will
be - it's the dates, the hormones, the physical loss and babies and pregnant women seem to suddenly "appear EVERYWHERE" it's like there waiting for you... Like creepy clowns (obviously there not creepy clowns but I have to try and smile a little or I just break down)

I would say what your going through is very very real to you and no-one can understand it fully, be kind to yourself and try to be patient to those who seem less empathetic - it's something people don't talk about or explain so unless you have been through it you cannot understand. I try to forgive them not take it to heart as they don't understand and I wish I had their naivety I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Keep strong this afternoon it's very early days and be kind to yourself xx


Ps- yes please give me a fast forward button, that would be marvellous!

[Earlyday]

I've been there - 4 miscarriages in a row. You're allowed to feel sad - it doesn't matter what other people think. I used to go to bed listen to sad songs and cry - I needed

For me it got easier as the weeks and months went by but I remember waking up and thinking what's the point in life - just feeling really low and depressed.

I felt doomed - that I was going to miscarry any pregnancy. Now I'm pregnant again - 13 weeks - there is hope

[Lucinda15]

Thank you both. I just feel so confused. And erratic. some days I'm happy and feel good. Next day i feel so low. Another day I feel numb. I am finding crying is hard - I feel heavy and sad and that there is something I need to get out. But the tears don't come. Or they start and I gulp them back. And then other days they will pour out for 10 minutes then I shake it off and move on. I just feel all over the place.

The family do was hard. Baby arrived and everyone went crazy for it. I had to go to the loo and wipe some tears away quickly but I managed to make the rest of the day ok. Chatted to the mum, who is over the moon and already gushing about trying for another. I was so jealous of her optimism and innocence. I held the baby, which wasn't particularly enjoyable. Felt a few eyes on me (mum sis and a couple of aunts know what's happened) and hated being watched. But it was ok and not as bad as I thought.

Met up with another friend yesterday who sheepishly told me she is pregnant and due within a few days of my most recent miscarriage baby. I am also meeting another friend tomorrow and her new baby, born same month as my first miscarriage baby should have been. I am happy for them both, truly. But I'm just so sad and empty. I feel so heavy in my heart.

I dnt know if I have any hope for trying again. Some days I'm decided that's it and we stop here. Other days I hate the fact we are using contraception and want to give it another go. I am going to try and focus on my health and exercising and losing some weight in the meantime. Try and do something positive and not baby related!!

Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm so glad for this forum

[George2014]

I've been there. Know exactly the fear, despair, slight shame and terror you are experiencing.

I had ds with no problems and then went onto have 4 miscarriages. I felt all of what you are feeling and swung between - this is enough and abject terror at not having another.

My situation is different as I then was diagnosed with cancer (nothing to do with MCs) and became infertile after the treatment. However, it put a stop to all the trying and allowed me to move on as I think that is the worst thing about infertility - the not knowing...that next time might be your chance, there's always hope etc etc etc

Ds is 5.5 now and people don't ask. People who know I was Ill, know I won't have any more and those who don't have figured I'm probably not going to now! Friends have stopped having babies and it's all about school now so that period of time has past a bit and I don't feel the same way now. We are a fabulous family of 3 and I love how I can really enjoy that instead of always hoping and planning what might be if we make it to a family of 4.

Whatever happens for you will be fine in the end. I won't tell you there's always hope because I think that's really hard to deal with. But I will tell you that whatever happens, you will accept it and move on and life will be ok xxxx

[Lucinda15]

Thank you george - you have been through so much and I'm so glad you are well and happy now

I think you are right about knowing one way or another. I think that's partly why I have been managing ok some days because a part of me has a gut feeling there is something wrong and accepted I CANT have anymore and, with that I feel I can move on. But of course, I don't know that for for sure until we have the tests. And every time I think let's just decide for ourselves not to have any more, A little voice says 'but what if it's still possible?'. And then I swing again to deciding not to try because I don't have the strength. And end up considering what I'd do if I were to have another mc and get the fear because I'm just not sure I could face it. It's just awful. And then around all these feelings I'm congratulating pregnancy announcements and holding babies and telling people I'm ok when I'm not sure what I'm feeling and it's just overwhelming.

Really want to stick my head in the sand for a few months!! Just want to switch off. But, we have planned a couple of holidays over the next few months and I'm so looking forward to those, and enjoying some time with my boy before he starts school in September. Trying to put my focus on him, and be thankful for what I have

[George2014]

I know exactly how you are feeling. It really is exactly how I was feeling. I actually felt a little shamed to say I was relieved that the cancer treatment had given me an out without me having to make the decision to carry on or stop. That's so sad but testament to just how hard it is to decide. Looking back, it took over our lives, the ttc, waiting, hoping, planning, the mourning, the hospital visits, the talking and planning and not deciding. It's just exhausting. Whatever you decide it will feel right eventually but there will always be a little bit of you that feels sad for some reason. Every now and again I mourn the ones I lost and the second child I'll never have but it is so much less frequent and I am so thankful I'm here and I have ds and we are so close as a unit of 3.