My wife wouldn't accept her miscarriage

[thedreamofababy]

I’m a man, in my late thirties and married to a lovely wife. We have been together for 12 years.

I know this is mumsnet and thus not a place that I am supposed to be, but so many internet searches have brought me here that I feel this is the best place to post.

When my wife and I were younger, we often spoken about having a baby, but it didn’t come naturally. Suddenly, when my wife entered her early 40’s we realised that time was running out – and fast. So, we decided to try IUI.

We were lucky first time around. My wife fell pregnant and was overjoyed. Having read about the reality of having a baby at our age, I tried to be cautiously optimistic; I think my wife thought I was being negative.

The first scan was after 7 weeks. And there was a heartbeat. We were so happy. All my reading about the risks of miscarriage said that the risks once heartbeat had been detected fell dramatically. My wife was very pregnant, needed to rest a lot and her tummy quickly started growing. As a result, we told our nearest family and friends.

My wife is not originally from the UK and travelled abroad to visit her family. She decided to visit the gynaecologist she had used in her home town and have a scan, something even I at that point considered a formality.

When my mobile phone rang whilst I was at work and my wife’s name showed, I feared the worst. ‘Darling, I think I have lost our baby’ were the first words she uttered. During the events that unfolded my wife showed an inner strength that I don’t think either of us thought she possessed.

Her doctor referred her to a local hospital to have the remains removed. She was in a trance and simply parrying orders, until she made it to the hospital. The conditions there were horrid and the staff were unpleasant. Their attitude was as though my wife was going to have a tooth removed, not one of removing the dream of a baby.

They took her details, took blood tests and starting preparing her for the procedure. At some point she said stop. She wanted to speak to me. I was in a bit of a state, knowing my wife was abroad, potentially about to have a miscarriage removed without me there to support her.

She asked me what to do. We agreed for me to call the local hospital in the UK and ask them if they considered her safe to travel. Thankfully they said that providing she wasn’t bleeding, it should be fine.

So, she left the hospital to the dismay of the staff who acted as though she was simply being a silly woman who wouldn’t face facts.

The flight back to the UK went well and whilst the circumstances were difficult, I have never been so happy and yet so sad, as the time I picked up my wife in the airport. Happy that she was home so I could support her and sad because we had lost our baby.

The hospital had arranged an appointment for us the following day, to have another scan. Unfortunately it showed that the original scan had been correct and there was no longer a heartbeat.

We were offered the option of having the ‘product’ (that’s the term used by hospital staff, I guess in a lack of better options) removed that same afternoon. And so it was. We returned home early evening with painkillers and instructions to watch that the bleeding didn’t become excessive.

And this is where it became hardest for me. I was absolutely devastated. Not only had my dream been shattered, but I knew just how much this meant to my wife. Yet she appeared not to care. I knew that obviously wasn’t the case, but she was putting on a strong front in an attempt to cope. So whilst I was sad, she put on a ‘happy face’, hugging me and saying everything would be ok.

I could have exploded.

She was not supposed to comfort me, I was supposed to comfort her. She had just had this little being growing inside her removed and she acted as though nothing had happened, as though she wouldn’t accept that the miscarriage had taken place. This lasted for a couple of days and is a big reason behind me writing this in the first place. I was scouring the internet to find out if her reaction was normal, if she was going crazy and/or how I as a husband could best help, but I found nothing.

So, dear member of the same sex as me. It is normal. And it doesn’t last.

She carried on her appearance for about 36 hours. I was staying home from work with her, doing my best to be there for a wife who didn’t seem like she needed me. But during the second night after the procedure she woke up, crying her eyes out saying ‘I want my baby back, put my baby back’. That was hard to deal with. There was nothing I could do except hug her and continuously tell her that I love her. From that point onwards, it hit her.

The next day, we went to a garden centre and bought a tree to plant in our garden. A tree to remind us of the joy and hope we had.

Our little being was a girl that died as a result of having Edwards Syndrome, a chromosome error.

[zeeka]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The tree is a beautiful idea.
There are counselling organisations (I think sands?) that I'm sure people on here will recommend to you. I wish you all the best.

[SummerHouse]

So very sad and so very unfair. I wish you had your baby. Life is so cruel. You and your wife sound strong but I guess you may not feel it. I don't know what to say...

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

If you look in some older threads on here, there was another little girl who died of t18.

Look for 'rumers rainbow'.

Sorry for your loss.

I have lost 4 myself. I appreciate your pain. Especially as my partne at the time didn't want to know.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

I think in the first few days, anything can be normal. There is no Normal.

People do what they can, to get through an awful time.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Sorry, that should say 'died with' not died of.

[KittyandTeal]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also lost a daughter at 22 weeks to Edwards. We decided to have a termination for medical reasons. The process was horrific but we had 10-14 day between our first bad scan and dd2 being born so we had those 2 weeks to process our shock.

I have recently had a late missed miscarriage (the same as you and your dw, no heartbeat at a scan) at 14 weeks. I am a week and a day on from ds being delivered, almost 2 weeks since our scan. I have barely cried. I am absolutely numb most of the time and trying desperately to get ,y normal life back. I know the greif will hit soon, I know this as I've done it before and so I know this is normal.

As a woman in a similar situation to your dw all my dh can do is hug me, tell me he loves me and listen. Try not to tell her it's ok, or things will get better, or we should be grateful for xyz. It's tempting to try and say anything you can to make someone feel better but when she's in that 'I want my baby back' place she doesn't need to hear this (I don't mean to sound patronising but my poor dh tried this and got a very unhappy response from me)

Let her cry and rage. And you do the same if you feel you need to.

The best advice I was ever given is that you can't 'work through' grief. You have to learn to live with it, allow it to be whatever it is at that time, don't fight it, just sit with it. It is infuriatingly uncomfortable but you will get there. At some point you will find your new normal.

💐 For you and your dw.