I think I am sabotaging any chance I might have of ttc again

[monkeytree]

Hi

If you're reading this post, chances are you have had your own loss and are devastated too. x There are lots of threads on this forum I would like to respond to and sometimes do but this evening I feel as if I need to get a few things out of my head, so thanks for taking the time to read this.

I had a late mc (20 weeks) last Feb. Just writing about this and seeing it in black and white still seems so painful. I am very fortunate to have 2 dd's x DD2 was a miracle (high fsh, low amh) and heading for early menopause. I never expected to become pregnant a third time and suspect I may have done so on the back of breastfeeding dd2. I am very nearly 42. The chances of me conceiving again are very slim. Given this, I still take supplements etc. 'just in case' but what I have noticed is that I am not following my diet as seriously as I did when ttc dd2. I drink wine and the occasional tea/coffee. I know to stand any chance these need to go out of the window completely as they did when ttc dd2. I think subconsciously I am trying to sabotage my efforts for fear of experiencing another pregnancy loss. I had a slightly longer cycle recently and then thought that maybe, just maybe I might be pregnant again. I think I panicked and also felt excited but overwhelmingly scared. I wasn't pregnant and felt low (again). I worry that I will have regret if I do not take ttc seriously as it is most likely my last year of having any chance of ttc at all. Even though I would love to have a third child, I wonder if deep down I have had enough. If I was younger I definitely think I would have tried to have had one possibly two more children (if I could) but now perhaps I am admitting that I am getting older. Dd 2 is very energetic (she is 2.5). Her birth was not straight forward and I constantly worry about the innocent heart murmur she is said to have. I love her to bits but I feel like I am one of the oldest mums on the block with one of the most energetic little ones around, she seems far more active than dd1 ever was (but perhaps I am just older). I would have loved the third child that I lost and will always mourn his loss, I think about him every day but if I'm honest I think I would have struggled, I have absolutely no family support whatsoever. DD1 has told me that she loves her sister but finds it hard sometimes to share the attention and is not keen on having any more siblings (although I know she would have loved the late ds too had he come along) My dh is also not keen on having any more dcs. So it is just me and this great big empty gap I have felt since losing ds. I felt sure that if I could become pregnant again I would have healed a little better, now I am not so sure, I think I will always miss ds. I am tired of my slim chances, tired of infertility of hopes raised then hopes dashed each cycle then scared in case I could possibly be pregnant. ttc feels obsessive though and I just cant seem to let go completely maybe the kind thing for me would be the onset of menopause. Sorry for the long ramble and thanks for reading if you have made it through the whole of this post!

[Crasterwaves]

I am so sorry to hear you put your little ds and at such a late stage in the pg which must have made it even harder.

I can empathise a little with how you feel. I am exactly your age and also have two Dc and one mc, though my last pg was with my youngest toddler dc (I mc an earlier pg). I always wanted four dc and don't feel my family is complete. But I'm frightened to try again because we have a family history of a serious illness and although both my dc are clear there is a chance later dc might not be - I feel we can only spin the roulette wheel so many times

I don't have any answers but I understand why you feel you need to carry on and I can also understand the fear of mc again that might be holding you back.

[Crasterwaves]

I am so sorry - that should have been that I'm so sorry you lost your little ds but my stupid phone has changed lost to put - I do apologise