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I don't even know where to start or where to put this

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FrazzleRock Tue 08-Mar-16 18:57:53

I'm also not sure what I expect from writing this. I know no one has a magic wand.

This could become quite unstructured and long so please bear with me, if you can. I will try to make sense and not drip feed. Still not sure if this should be in Miscarriage, or relationships. It's both.

Back story:
I have two DC from my previous marriage. Both of which were very hard to conceive due to PCOS. They are now 6 and 10.
Separated 6 years from Ex-H and, after several fuckwit relationships, met my completely wonderful DP in June last year.
DP never wanted his own children. Adamant his entire life and I knew this from the beginning. Although I had hoped that one day I might have another, it didn't bother me hugely. As far as I was concerned, we were in love, enjoying our lives together, and DP gets on tremendously with my DC - couldn't ask for more!

In January we discovered we were expecting a baby! Huge shock considering we were kind of careful (not always - expected my PCOS and past difficulties conceiving to be a safety net. I guess I just assumed my body was broken in that department. My gynae even told me I don't ovulate and said when I want more babies I should go to him for Clomid). This baby was, to me, an utter miracle considering my issues.
After a couple of days of sheer panic, we were both overjoyed and terribly excited. DP seemed to do a complete u-turn on his 'never having children' rule. We spent the next few weeks excitedly planning for our baby, DP sold his flat, my flat went up for sale, we put an offer on our dream house which was accepted, even chose the pram, bought going home outfit for our baby, chose a car to fit us all in, I even went to a La Leche League meeting as I struggled to BF my DC and I wanted the best possible chance of feeding successfully. Everything seemed wonderful. MC, naively, never even entered our heads. We saw a growing bump, pregnancy woes, and a baby at the end who we were so excited to meet.

Then, one evening, had a tiny bleed. Then again the following morning. Nothing major, no pain, nothing to suggest anything serious to worry about but I decided to get checked over to put our minds at ease.
Our worlds came crumbling down when the nurse told us there was no heartbeat and I'd had a MMC only a day or two previously. I was in complete shock, totally numb until we got home. I then spent the following few days in bed sobbing uncontrollably. During this time we had to show people around my flat. I then had surgical management of miscarriage and continued to spend the rest of the week in absolute bits. DP was an absolute rock and just took care of absolutely everything.

(sorry, this is so long already)

He continued to help and sheltered me from anything that might upset me. He was just amazing. He told me he couldn't wait to try again, this gave me hope for the future.
A week after the surgery, I brought up trying again. He said wait for my next period. I said that could take months as I rarely have periods, but I then suggested we wait one month, period or not, then lets try. He went ballistic. Said I was using him as a sperm donor, that I was no where near ready to be even contemplating it, that if it happened again I would not be strong enough to cope. He said I was using emotional blackmail, that he has done everything for me and is doing everything for the flat sales and buying our new house (even though I keep telling him he's doing too much - he had told me before that he enjoys it) on and on he went. I was shocked at the outburst, confused at his reaction and crying so much I could barely catch my breath. I'd just never seen him so angry.
He went home to spend some time alone for a few days, I felt abandoned but understood he needed some space. We then made up and we carried on as normal. Just supporting eachother through our grief. We spoke about it again a bit, he thinks if we're going to have another baby it should be a surprise again. Which means him pulling out of me - I know for a normal fertile couple this is dangerous, but I genuinely think our baby was a fluke, I don't think the same thing could happen again. Not with my past history.

He wants to move on. He's been out with friends drinking and having a laugh, and I can't even begin to do anything like that.
It's been just over 2 weeks since the surgery and I'm struggling hugely, I miss our baby so much. I feel empty and frustrated that I had no control over protecting our little one. I miss my growing bump, swollen breasts, and the excitement and planning, and the thought of one day cuddling and kissing our baby everyday.
I don't know what to even think about anymore, the baby was all I ever thought about. It's like my brain has been emptied along with my womb.
I'm not sure what the future holds with regard to trying again. Even though the past few days DP has mentioned the fourth bedroom of our new house not being empty for long, and joking that if we had another baby he'd feed it lettuce leaves from day one (my children are fussy eaters).

But then today he seems to think having another baby would not be good for us. That he misses how we used to be, that having a baby would stop us from doing all the things we used to do. He said his head is a 'fucking mess'.

I don't want to row again. Emotions are running high for both of us. We're both grieving in different ways. I just feel so flat and grieving for our baby and grieving for the baby we probably never will have. But then I was happy before, when I knew he didn't want children. Why can't I be happy to go back to how we were?

And do I get a prize for the longest MN post?

Loki17 Tue 08-Mar-16 19:02:38

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mmc and it is so fucking cruel. I've got no advice but you are not alone.

fitzbilly Tue 08-Mar-16 19:03:11

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have no useful advice really apart from take care of yourself, it sounds like you have both been through a lot and are grieving in different ways. Perhaps your dp's reaction is him protecting himself from dealing with the pain of loss again?

FrazzleRock Tue 08-Mar-16 19:29:02

Thank you for your replies.

loki I'm sorry too, I can't bear the thought of anyone else going through this, even though I know how common it is, it still breaks my heart that so many people have this pain.

fitzbilly I had thought that he is maybe protecting himself. I also didn't mention that DP has had labyrinthitis for months and months so he has been through such a lot on top of that. And over the weekend he developed the most awful flu, he's never been so ill. He's just starting to feel more normal (or as normal as anyone with labyrinthitis can be) this afternoon.
He's really been through the mill, poor thing. He can't seem to get a break.

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