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I feel like I'm the only one greiving

(10 Posts)
FrazzleRock Fri 26-Feb-16 07:20:38

We had the devastating news last Thursday that our precious little baby's heart had stopped beating.
I had a surgical management of miscarriage on Monday and, although physically I'm ok, I'm really struggling emotionally.
DP has been wonderful and has done everything for me so I've not had to lift a finger (I have two DC from previous marriage). He's just been utterly brilliant and I couldn't ask for more. He's also been there to hold me when I'm sobbing.
During this past week, we've also had to conduct viewings on my property as we're in the process of selling so we can buy somewhere together. So he's also been arranging all the viewings (online agent so we are responsible for these).
Plus we had the shocking news on Wednesday that we were declined for a mortgage - long story involving my ex-h creating a default on my otherwise perfect credit report. So DP has spent the past two days desperately trying to rectify this on the phone for (literally) hours at a time to organisations involved.
Basically he's just been my rock and my hero.

My issue is, and I know I'm being unreasonable here, that he doesn't seem to be greiving like I am. We cried together for the first few days and on the night of my procedure we sobbed and comforted eachtother. But since then, he just got on with things and is able to have a laugh and a joke.
I said he seems to be holding it together so well, he said he feels guilty but said it's because he's with me and I make him feel better.

Yesterday he went back to work for the first time since this happened and was going to go home after (he lives fairly far from me) as he needed to get some documents for the house move. I called him last night and he apologised and said he was in the pub as he just needed a break. Obviously this didn't bother me as yes he does need the break and a release from the past week or so and it's nice for him to be able to see and talk to his friends who all know about the MMC.
The thing that has really bothered me this morning is seeing pictures on FB of him having a really good time, laughing a joking around in the pub, while I was lying in bed crying my eyes out. Last night was also the first night I've been alone since we found out, and was exactly a week since we found out.
I know I'm being entirely unreasonable but I feel like I'm the only one really greiving and struggling with the loss of our baby.
The DC are also coping really well and haven't been affected, which is good But we'd only told them they were going to have a baby brother or sister only three days before the MMC so I guess it hadnt really sunk in yet.

I should probably also say that my poor DP has been suffering awfully with Labyrinthitis for months and months and has been unable to drink much alcohol without symptoms becoming much worse for him. But he was drinking last night so he is probably going to be full of Labyrinthitis today.

I feel like the world is spinning around me and I want it to stop. I want to scream out that my baby has just died. I don't want to feel normal again, I don't want things to go back to the way they were.

Sorry, that was really long. Am I being a dick about this? I feel awful because DP has been so wonderful.
I've not spoken to him about it yet as it's early. I dont know whether I should raise it with him, or how to without making him feel bad.

redhat Fri 26-Feb-16 07:26:27

I don't think you're being a dick at all. But I do think that people view miscarriage differently to "death" and so you won't get the same reaction as you would had your baby been born and then died.

I had a miscarriage between DS1 and DS2 and it was barely mentioned. DH didn't take any time at all off work. He was upset of course but didn't "grieve' as such.

I think you have to accept that people deal with things in their own way but I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sure lots of others with better advice than me will be along soon flowers

FrazzleRock Fri 26-Feb-16 07:27:05

I don't know why I can't seem to spell grieving correctly this morning.

FourForYouGlenCoco Fri 26-Feb-16 11:40:22

Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers for you, it's such a horrible thing to go through.
I've had 3 MC and me and DH have been very different every time in how we've reacted and coped. I think for a lot of men, they don't feel the loss in the same way - which is not to say AT ALL that they aren't affected, of course, but we are the ones who get pregnant, we are the ones who go through the whole process. I think it seems more real to us whereas it's a bit more abstract for them, and I think often mothers grieve for the actual baby, while men grieve for the idea of the baby, if that makes sense?
In my experience as well, my DH was much more worried about me than anything else. My second MC was a bit of a nightmare, massive haemorrhage, blue lighted to A&E, emergency ERPC, and i think he was just so relieved I was ok that he didn't really think about the lost baby, harsh as that sounds. Your DP sounds to me like he's trying to be strong for you and be the one keeping things going so that you have the space and time to grieve. It's hard to feel like you're the only one who cares, but equally somebody has to keep things going - real life carries on - and I think he's trying to do that for you.
I would also say, in the gentlest possible way, that the post-MC hormones can really mess you up for a while and make you approach things differently than you might normally. I was very angry, very touchy after my second MC, not like me at all - luckily I didn't direct it at DH, but I easily could have done.
Don't let this push you apart - it sounds like your DH is really trying to do his best for you and look after you, while dealing with things in his own way. I'm no expert but how you and your DP are reacting sounds very similar to me and mine, so I'd hazard a guess that it's fairly normal, if that helps.
You might not want to hear it now either, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm quite stoic but MC really knocks me for six, especially the first time. It feels so unfair, so overwhelming, and so bloody hard to get up and put one foot in front of the other all day, but you can and will do it. It took me a while, but one day I realised I was genuinely smiling and feeling good, instead of just pretending. You're never quite the same again, but you do get through it.

PotatoesPastaAndBread Fri 26-Feb-16 11:45:40

Oh OP I feel for you. I had an ERPC for a missed miscarriage this week. I have been really surprised by my feelings. For a few days we were both very sad for the death of our baby. However much beyond that, my DH has been strong and gone back to work while I have felt lonely, clingy and needy for my DH - quite unlike me. I can only assume there is more going on eg the inevitable hormones.

Be kind to yourself, take the time you need. Your DP clearly cares for you and your family. Be open with him about what you need, but don't judge how he processes things. We all deal with grief differently.

flowers to all of you

FrazzleRock Sat 27-Feb-16 12:25:38

Thank you for your kind words. I decided not to mention it to DP. He said he spent the night going from laughing to feeling guilty for having a nice time.
He had a cry last night just from hearing a David Bowie song. We had a little joke before that our baby would be the reincarnation of David Bowie as we had our BFP on the day the news of his death had been released to the press. DP said he can't listen to DB songs anymore without crying.

potatoes I know what you mean about clingy. I just want to be near DP 24/7 at the moment. We're spending the day apart today as we both have things to do but I just want to be in his arms.

Hj94 Mon 29-Feb-16 22:53:02

I recently had a M/C and all I have done since is cry, my O/H didn't show any emotions at all and I asked him why, he said he was trying to be string for me and make sure I was alright but I felt like I needed him to grieve with me to make me feel better if that make sense. I'm still grieving now 4 weeks on, I feel like I just need to talk to someone get it all off my chest but I can't because it's a taboo subject

chelle792 Mon 29-Feb-16 22:59:43

I'm sorry, I couldn't read the full feed (too emotional). Just wanted to say, DH coped amazingly initially while I crumbled. He then fell to pieces spectacularly a while later.

FrazzleRock Tue 01-Mar-16 15:13:01

Thanks guys. To think anyone else has been through this just breaks my heart sad

Latest update: DP finally exploded last night.

We were talking about trying again. He said before that we should wait for my first period. I have PCOS so that could take months and months. So I suggested we compromise by waiting one month, period or not. He went mental. I've never seen him so angry, especially not with me. I guess the past couple of weeks where he's been supporting me and deliberately shielding me from anything that might upset me has finally got to him.
He said he's not had chance to grieve. I think he thinks I want to replace our baby.
I wasn't even pressuring him. I was making a suggestion. Now he says I've pushed him away from the idea of ever trying again.

I feel shit sad Trying again was the one thing keeping my head afloat. Like I still had hope after such horrid sadness.
All I can see is the anger in his eyes which I've never ever seen before.
He asked me how I was today, I said not good but keeping distracted. He keeps asking if I feel any better and asked me why I'm feeling bad (!?). It's like he's forgotten how angry he was and how utterly broken I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bed while he just sat staring at me.

Honestly, I've never known him to be like this. He's the sweetest kindest person who would do absolutely anything for me. I didn't recognise him at all last night sad
No apologies or anything today, just being normal with me.

chelle792 Thu 03-Mar-16 09:30:55

I've just caught up with your thread. I'm in the exact same boat as you. I miscarried end of August and we are yet to tcc again. DH has really struggled with it but we are coming out the other side now.

He doesn't mean that he never wants to ttc again. He means it's too painful at the moment for him to consider it.

Happy to pm if you need further support, that way if I lose this thread I'm still there flowers

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