I'm not coping very well(8 Posts)
I find it helps me to get things out if my head and so write on forums like this. I'm not sure there's much anyone can say but it helps to think that someone has read this post so thank you.
I have 2 dd's after experiencing fertility issues with second dd. I wasn't expecting to become pregnant again (3rd time) at 40 given my low amh combined with my age but somehow I managed to become pregnant again with third dc whom I lost a year ago at 20 weeks. Since then I gave been struggling on. I am a sahm my youngest dd is 2 and so toddler groups etc have been the norm. I have been ttc unsuccessfully over the past year, desperate to have something to look forward to and somehow relive the experience only this time successfully. But the gap remains and the wonderful contentment I felt when dd2 came along against all odds seems to have evaporated.
What made it all feel worse was that another lady in the village who was due to have her baby within a week of when my little ds was due did go on to give birth to her dd. Every time I see her about it upsets me, I feel anger and sadness and some shame I think. There are other women here in the village who have had "accidents" with their 3rd or 4th dc and one in particular who had her 4th ds who would have been in the same school year as my ds. I find this all too much to bare and want to send my little dd to another school outside of the village so I don't have to do the school run with these women on a daily basis. To be honest I wish I could leave the village but moving would mean moving more rurally and I'm not sure this would suit my dd's as they get older. I feel trapped totally and utterly trapped. Trapped by my circumstances, I feel so unhappy stuck with grief and not knowing how to move on. On paper everything looks good. Two dd's, mortgage (on large house) paid off, money in the bank and a helpful dh (who is older than me) I know how fortunate I am and I beat myself up for feeling miserable all the more because of this. The truth is I want to be someone else, somewhere else, to run away from myself. I have little support. My mother and father are divorced and my father lives abroad. I have not seen my mother for a year after major falling out following my loss (never had a close relationship) more to it than this but post is long enough! My dh and dc's deserve a bit more from me but they see this sad woman ( who tries her best to be playful etc most of the time) even my little dd says "mummy's sad". I try to be with them but the truth is I feel distracted most of the time and take comfort coming on to forums like this. I feel bad about myself and to make matters worse I backed out of our drive yesterday and hit a stationary van creating hundreds of pounds of damage because I was distracted by older dd and feeling hormonal and distracted by first anniversary of my loss looming. Can't believe I was so stupid and feel so embarrassed. The chap who owned the van was lovely and when I apologised and explained why I was distracted he went on to tell me his wife had experienced a mc but they had gone on to conceive their 7 week old ds swiftly. My fertility is kn**kered and I feel like a has been and would I treat a friend the way I berate myself - no way. I hit the bottle last night and for a while things felt better and again tonight and feel this could become a habit. I know I should care for my families sake but I hate being stuck with all this. My dh is sat sighing to himself, I spend my time on here instead of talking to him but really there is not much else to talk about and I want us to be as civil as possible for our dc's sake and for our marriage. All of this has taken it's toll on our relationship. Yes, I am receiving counselling and made an appointment with my GP today to talk about antidepressants. It doesn't change things though does it.....I hate the way I can't change things. I can't see how any if this is going to get any better. If you have read this lengthy, deflating post then you probably deserve a medal. There it's done. Positive criticism welcome but already feeling vulnerable so please withhold any harsh comments. Thank you
Firstly have a huge un-mumsnetty hug from me.
I have been through counselling/depression/antidepressants before. They don't change things but they do change how you deal with what you have been through. The change is slow and hard won at times but they do help. I would advise you to maybe not have the wine in the house for a while. I know it takes the edge off but it will make you more depressed the next day too. Can you find something else to replace it? A new hobby, playing board games with your husband? Anything really. The wine also doesn't mix well with antidepressants - I could get drunk on half a glass when I took them.
Do talk with your GP, and see if counsellor could help dh get onside for you some more - even some joint counselling. I've been through a few losses, too - even did the reversing off the drive into someone's van, too, TWICE! (now always reverse ON to the drive)
It will ease, it will get better, but take all the help you can.
- do limit the booze, tho - I drank a bit too much for 6 months after first loss, and it did me no favours.
Thank you for replying Annie and Brenna. Annie sorry you backed into a van too it's horrible isn't it but made me feel less alone in doing this. This whole loss thing is horrible especially when infertility is in the equation too. Brenna, GP appointment is next week, my GP knows me quite well so I think she will help with the ad's, thank you for asking x
I'm several years on following mc's, infertility and, in the end, no children. When I was in that awful place I would read other poster's comments about having faith that things would get better. They got a lot harder. I went from having a very positive disposition before the mc's to having thoughts that life was meaningless. I also had a ton of wine - I shudder to think back now how much I must have had. I am out the other side of that dark place. You may have some more troubled time ahead of you, but things do change. Look out for that moment where, just for 30 seconds, for once, you feel a little better. I still remember mine. I was waiting for the kettle to boil and realised I was ok for that moment in time. I then cried with relief. I was still depressed, life was still meaningless, but noticing that little window of not being depressed was really helpful. Good luck OP.
I did the same thing, the day after being discharged from hospital for my 3rd mc - was turning right, but at the wrong angle and scraped the side of the car down one of those concrete traffic islands in the middle of the road! It cost a fortune to fix!
I remember just after one mc, another mother, who was at the same stage of pregnancy saying to me:
"At least you don't have the morning sickness now!"
It did nothing to cheer me up, especially as I saw her everyday, cos our dcs were in the same class at school.
It might not seem like it now, but it can and does get better! I had anti-depressants and counselling. My counsellor said her job with people with infertility, was to shake the obsession - make them see that there were other things in life! (Actually, she had had more mcs than I had, so she was not being insensitive or lacking in empathy) I talked about it, until I got it out of my system. Now, the only time I think about the mcs, is when one of the dcs talks once in a blue moon, about "my brothers and sisters in heaven!"
Thank you for responding to my post and giving me some hope that things can change over time. I hope you are doing o.k, it sounds as if you have turned a corner and also similar comments from digestive biscuit about how things can change.
Digestive, Three mcs is a lot for anyone to go through and I could not believe that anyone could make such an insensitive comment about morning sickness unbelievable!
Digestive, I think you're right that infertility has become an obsession and your counsellor sounds very switched on. I need grief counselling for my actual loss but I also need someone like your counsellor who could help me with the infertility issue and looking at other things in life. So sorry to hear you also had a car accident following mc x. I feel so embarrassed.
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