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Miscarriage - Feel SO Alone

(24 Posts)
Sidiaro Sat 06-Feb-16 19:05:25

Hi...I'm a new poster here...but struggling to cope and thought I'd give mn a try! Found out yesterday that my baby has no heartbeat. I am 9 weeks. It is my 2nd m/c. My friends were incredibly supportive last time...but this time its like it is "old news" and dont seem bothered. My hubby wants to help, but really isnt sad Im 37 and cant help thinking I'm too old and should "give up". My last m/c in June 15 was horrendous...I haemorraged and was in hospital for week before finally needing a D&C. So scared of it happening again. Thank you for listening.

BifsWif Sat 06-Feb-16 19:15:03

I'm so sorry you're going through this again flowers

I had three miscarriages before my daughter was born last year so I have some understanding of how you're feeling. Please don't give up hope.

Be kind to yourself, rest and recover. We are here to talk if you need to x

evelynj Sat 06-Feb-16 19:38:01

Sorry you're going through this & like pp says he kind to yourself. I've just had my 3rd miscarriage this last week but didn't know I was pregnant this time. Last time I had to have d&c op but this time I just don't really want to talk about it with anyone-you shouldn't be concerned with how anyone else is, just focus on yourself,m(I almost didn't click on this thread but am concerned that I may be distancing myself from it too much). Your friends probably just feel a bit awkward & don't know what to say-1st miscarriage is sad but 'these things happen' etc but 2nd is hard to take & maybe they think the best thing is to try to take your mind off it I'm just wanting to spend time with my family & lie low for a bit. Do your know how you are going to 'manage' it this time. I would find it very hard going for another d&c. I was crying while I went under & immediately when I woke up. Watching crap tv is helping me but dreading back to work on Monday. Feel free to vent & get out anything here x

daisydalrymple Sat 06-Feb-16 19:50:05

Hi, so sorry you're going through this again, I had a MMC aged 40, i already had 2 dcs though, but it was still such a shock to be told no heartbeat. I had an ERPC 2 weeks after the scan as for me nothing had happened.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy two years later, and gave birth to dc3 aged 43. He's a happy, wriggly, 15mo sleep avoider now.

I didn't fully appreciate how distressing a miscarriage could be until it happened to me. And I think as a lot of people don't talk about it, it can be quite isolating. As i had to continue with school runs etc, I mentioned it if people said I was looking peaky / under the weather and it was surprising the number of women who said they'd also had a mc. It really does help to talk and not feel so alone,and there is some great support on here.

Be kind to yourself, and take it easy if you can.

BonitaFangita Sat 06-Feb-16 20:03:08

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Miscarriage is truly heart-breaking, and I don't think you realise that until you've experienced it.
It can feel like a lonely time, but please don't feel alone, take all the support you can from friends and family and this site and share with your feelings with your husband, don't forget it's his loss too. I didn't realise until much later how shellshocked my husband felt, not just by our loss, but by my despair too.
Spend time getting yourself better emotionally and physically before deciding if you want to TTC again. Support each other and you will get through this together.
Good luck, I know how wretched you feel, but you are not alone flowers

Sidiaro Sat 06-Feb-16 21:51:44

Oh my gosh...thank you guys. I'm in tears here. Your posts really HAVE made me feel not so alone in all this. You are right too, about not worrying about how other people react, and concentrating on how myself and my husband feel. It feels SO "unfair" and I know that sounds childish....but I'm sitting here thinking "why me?" "why AGAIN?"....but its NOT just me, as this site has helped me to realise.

I'm booked in for another D&C on Tuesday...I'm dreading it...but the thought of losing it 'naturally' again absolutely terrifies me sad My cervix got stuck open by the pregnancy sac last time, and I was just bleeding out. They had to call the crash team and rush me into resus. I cannot go through that again sad sad Praying the bleeding holds off until Tuesday :/

Life can be cruel at times, cant it sad Thank you all SO much for your support. I'm so sorry for all your losses too. From the bottom of my heart....good luck...and thank you xxx

BifsWif Sat 06-Feb-16 22:33:08

It can be so very cruel. I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday flowers

evelynj Sat 06-Feb-16 22:33:51

Good luck with the d&c - it's not likely to be awful like last time so try not to worry. And it's so hard not to think 'why me' all the time. Try allowing yourself to think that & then let it go, it's just detrimental to you to be thinking like that all the time. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal and just focus on the small stuff. Let us know how you get on x

LikeASoulWithoutAMind Sat 06-Feb-16 22:40:23

Oh I'm so sorry Sidiaro flowers I had 2 mcs 13 years ago and I remember all too well what a lonely and sad experience it was. I also remember being terrified for the future. (I then went on to have 3 children without any further issues)

Just wanted to give you another cyber hand to hold. You aren't alone. Do be really kind to yourself.

Lou1791 Sat 06-Feb-16 22:58:25

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think people don't understand what it is like unless they've been through it themselves - I didn't, until I experienced a miscarriage last month.
It is heartbreaking. I found it really helpful posting on here and hope you do too. Try not to beat yourself up about your feelings and allow yourself to grieve (I need to take my own advice here.)
I hope that Tuesday goes as well as it can do. Wishing you all the best flowers

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Sat 06-Feb-16 23:56:15

Hope you are getting some rest. Take care of yourself and try not to worry about what might happen.

I had 1 miscarriage and can only imagine how hard a second would have been. Xxx

Sidiaro Sun 07-Feb-16 00:08:48

I cannot thank you all enough. Thank heavens for this site - I'm so SO glad I plucked up the courage to post a message smile I will let you know how Tuesday goes. Wishing you all the very best for the future. Thank you <3

Swirlingasong Sun 07-Feb-16 00:21:17

Oh Sidiaro, I am so sorry. Your first mc sounds like my first, 6 years ago now. It's horrific and terrifying and very lonely. Since then I have had two more mcs (neither nearly as awful as the first) but also two wonderful children. You don't sound childish at all, we all think like that I think, life is just so horrible sometimes. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve.

Sidiaro Sun 07-Feb-16 00:55:15

Thank you Swirlingasong smile It truly WAS the worst experience of my life...I'm sorry that you have experienced it too, and so many times sad Congratulations on the birth of your children...its nice to know there IS hope after all the pain smile Thank you for being so kind to me xxx

Swirlingasong Mon 08-Feb-16 19:33:30

There is hope, Sidiaro, and the pain dulls. It doesn't disappear but you learn to be happy again. Hope you are ok, will think of you tomorrow.

daisydalrymple Mon 08-Feb-16 20:17:15

Another one who will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope it goes as well as it can xx

Sidiaro Mon 08-Feb-16 21:41:52

Thank you so much smile That means so much to me. Went for my pre-op today....held back the tears really well......right up until they asked me to sign to agree for my baby's remains to be cremated sad sad Just want it over with now...roll on this time tomorrow sad Hope everyone is well xxx

daisydalrymple Tue 09-Feb-16 19:21:36

Hello sidiaro how are you feeling? Hope you're home and cosy on sofa with a hot water bottle and plenty of tlc. Xx

Lokki Tue 09-Feb-16 19:59:02

I am very sorry that you had to face this. I had 2 MC and the thing that frustrated me most was no investigations were done as NHS waits until the 3rd one. We also suffered from unexplained infertility. Got pregnant naturally for the 3rd time and started bleeding same as before. We went private to a Dr Shetata and discovered that I have very high NK cells. He gave me steroids which protected my DD now close to 2 years.

When I had my MC the thing that helped me most was reading other people's experiences listed in MC association web site. It made me less alone.

Please take care and have plenty of chocolate.

Sidiaro Tue 09-Feb-16 20:23:16

Hi guys...just got back from the hospital sad In a lot of pain at the moment, but not having a great deal of bleeding, so that's something positive. Looking forward to trying to get some closure now on this horrible ordeal. I have to say all of the staff I encountered were lovely ...with the exception of one nurse, who told me that "nature is actually very KIND to us...because if it werent for miscarriages, there would be millions of deformed people roaming the earth" How very "KIND" of my body to miscarry and spare the earth a deformed person angry

On a more positive note, I have been told that as I have had 2 miscarriages, I am within guidelines to request testing to rule out "sticky blood" - I just need to see my GP to get a referral. Also, she confirmed that if I become pregnant again, my 2 miscarriages will enable me to have an early "reassurance scan". It has given me SOME hope for the future.

Only now I am worried about Zika virus if I TTC I quite fancied a week away to recover :/ Maybe I will start a new thread on this?

Thank you so much for asking after me. I hope everyone is doing well. Big hugs xxx

BifsWif Tue 09-Feb-16 20:37:38

Wow. I know she was probably trying to be kind, but wow.

I thought of you today, I'm glad you're doing ok physically. Good news on the testing and early scans too, I found the early scans a great reassurance when I was pregnant with my DD. The lovely ladies at my local EPU let me have one every two weeks! X

Swirlingasong Tue 09-Feb-16 21:03:08

Glad you are home safe, Sidiaro. That nurse sounds remarkably thoughtless, so sorry you had to encounter her.

Do go and request testing. After my 2nd mc I was in such a state that I went to the gp to find out if any tests could be run. Having read my notes he decided that the first mmc was really not a 'normal' mc and that he would send me for tests. Nothing came up but I was put under consultant care when I got pregnant due to all that had happened with the first mc and given early scans. I honestly don't think I could have coped with the stress without this. I also made sure I told midwives and other hcp s just how traumatic that mc had been as otherwise, at least where I am, I found there was a tendency to brush off mc as normal and not something I should worry about once pg.

We took a holiday too. Do it. There are lots of places with no risk. We went to rural Yorkshire in January, but you may be thinking of something a bit warmer and drier than that! The breathing space just the two of us was so, so needed (and dc1 was conceived the following month).

I hope you recover well. Give yourself plenty of time and don't feel you need to rush back to anything. Wishing you lots of happiness in the future.

Sidiaro Tue 09-Feb-16 21:56:43

Thanks again smile I am definitely going to go for the tests smile Even if nothing is least I can stop worrying about one more thing!!! And 2 weekly reassurance scans would be amazing!! I paid privately with this pregnancy...sorry "my last pregnancy"....its not "THIS pregnancy" anymore sad sad but if I could save the money, that would be wonderful!!!

Oh....just on a seperate note....might not be of any interest to anyone...but I am severely needle-phobic....and today I mentioned it to the anaesthetist...and he gave me the gas to breathe I was asleep before the cannula was inserted smile It doesnt sound like much...but it made a HUGE difference to me and the whole experience smile If anyone else is the same...its definitely worth asking smile

Onwards and upwards now, hey smile

How is everything with you guys?

(so so glad I took the plunge and posted on MN. Isnt it just an absolute lifeline smile )

evelynj Wed 10-Feb-16 10:17:47

Glad you're home and the 'practical' elements are out of the way. You do need to take some time to heal and look after yourself. Me & DH are going to London this weekend, (first time ever). We have a packed schedule which isn't what I'd have done if I'd known but even a little quiet time here and there will help I'm sure. And you're right MN is a lifeline in these situations - it has been for me in the past where I've been at very difficult stages of my life. Look after yourself & good luck x

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