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Are you honest about your miscarriages when asked 'so will you have another child?'

(12 Posts)
Lucinda15 Thu 28-Jan-16 07:30:21

Hello all - just wondering how open people are about their miscarriage(s).

I have one DS (4 yo) and we have been TTC for 1 year. We have had 2 mc's (11.5 weeks and 5 weeks) and now just been diagnosed with PCOS.

Anyway - I'm finding due to DS age and the general way of things, I'm being asked 'so will you have another?' An awful lot these days. I have got very good at deferring it or just saying 'yes if we are lucky'.

But actually, sometimes I want to say 'yes we have been trying and had a miscarriage(s) but hoping it will happen soon'. And I wondered what harm that wld do. Obviously it depends who's asking, I know some people would feel awkward, but sometimes I've felt other people would be OK hearing that and then felt I shouldn't say it because that isn't the 'done' thing.

Just wondered how other people manage that situation?

RoTo72 Thu 28-Jan-16 08:55:52

I'm trying to be more open about my miscarriage. I won't be ttc again due to my age, and this hit me very hard. 9 weeks on and on still a mess at times. Iv a ds (15) so don't get asked those questions anymore. But if someone asks how I am, r where have I been, as iv been keeping a low profile, Il say. Iv been seeing a counsellor who recommended I do this. As I found myself hiding behind a car so a guy from work wouldn't see me and talk to me.

omri Thu 28-Jan-16 09:04:03

Depends on the person and what stage of your grief you're at. If you think you'll burst out crying when you say it out loud, maybe just give a stock response.

Personally after a few months after my miscarriage, I felt I wanted to tell people. I wasn't ashamed, and felt it was acknowledging my little bean. It was liberating in a way to tell people (when they asked).

Also, it wasn't until I'd had a miscarriage of my own that I even realised this could be a factor. It's good to educate people who might not have ever thought of these things

Lucinda15 Thu 28-Jan-16 10:51:24

roto I am sorry for your loss and the situation you are in. It is still very soon after your mc and I imagine it must be very hard at times still. I send you hugs.

Thanks omri yes I am feeling alright about it now, first mc was 6 months ago, 2nd 2 months ago but much less emotionally stressful as was so early. I still have my sad days but I have come to terms with them I am able to talk about it quite openly and easily with those that know.

But when people ask about having more children I want to acknowledge what's happened and am a bit fed up of hiding it as if I should be ashamed. I know it depends who I'm talking to....I might not tell my hairdresser for example! But if a neighbour asks or a family friend etc etc I would like to just be honest. But I am nervous it's being too forward.

I think I am going to acknowledge it from now on though....I will see how it goes.

charlotte1990 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:25:01

Hi I am in the same boat as you my son is 4 and we have been trying since April I fell in November and had to have an Erpc 2 weeks ago. No one new we were really trying just a handful of people but people do always ask... I just turned around and said I was pregnant but miscarried think it made that person abit shocked as they weren't expecting that answer but in a way they shouldn't be asking in the first place it's private... this person wasn't someone I speak to it was a friends family member but people close to me all know what has happened people who I am not won't know because they aren't a part of my life enough to know what Is going on.
It is hard and it is sad that we have all gone through this but as people keep saying to me hopefully in time it will get easier but I have realised I don't want people asking me if we're trying if I'm pregnant and when will we have another one. I don't want the hurt and upset for Everyone else next time as we told them xmas day before I had a scan.
Don't worry about been to forward because they shouldn't be asking a private question like that anyways x

squizita Thu 28-Jan-16 13:32:57

I always say it.

It needs to be said. The silence needs to be broken and it is truth.

Mind you, some people then give the 'why did you have 1 then, she'll be lonely'. angry

DangerMouth Thu 28-Jan-16 13:35:13

I always said it. I had 2 mc between dd1 and dd2 and the age gap was bigger than l had originally planned.

I would say it now if someone asked about the age gap.

Lucinda15 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:32:44

Thanks all - that's given me encouragement and supported what I was thinking smile

Orange1969 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:49:18

I have one ds, born after four miscarriages.

I usually say I had complications having him and was unlikely to have a second child. If they are rude enough to press me further, I will tell them about the losses.

barkingtreefrog Thu 28-Jan-16 17:46:26

Always honest. I don't have any children. I think people need educating so if they ask me if I'm having kids I tell them we've been ttc #1 for over 4 years and have had 3 mc. If they didn't want to know they shouldn't have asked such a personal question.

Loki17 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:55:56

I would choose to tell them. dh would prefer I didn't. I find talking about it helps. People often tell me that they've been there too. I'm not denying this baby, even if dh disagrees.

smellsofelderberries Wed 03-Feb-16 14:13:40

I am quite a blunt person- if I were in your situation I would probably say 'we'll have another when one decides to stick around long enough to be born' or something else along those lines. Like barking said, if they don't want honest answers they shouldn't ask personal questions.

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