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Not strong enough

(18 Posts)
WannaGoToTheSeaside Mon 25-Jan-16 15:29:49

I'm sat sorting through DS's baby clothes to give to my friend who's pregnant. She's due almost a year to the day since I miscarried my baby girl. I thought I was dealing with this but as happy as I am for her I feel like my heart is breaking. The world's kept turning and everyone has forgotten about my baby girl. No one remembers. Everyone thinks I'm okay and I'm strong but I'm not. I'm packing up clothes I should be dressing my baby girl in and giving them to someone else. I should be exhaustedly juggling my 3yo and 1 month old and instead I'm pathetically sobbing into a baby grow that I'll watch one of my closest friends dress her baby in. It just feels so cruel. I've been holding it all together and today I've run out of strength. I just don't know how to be okay with this sad

laurita42 Mon 25-Jan-16 16:43:10

Oh love. I'm so sorry. This is awful for you. How kind of you to give your friend the clothes.

There are no rules about getting over this. No should be betters or time limit when it stops making you sad. You say no-one knows how you're feeling-is there anyone irl you can talk to so they do know? I found having just one friend who knew to squeeze my hand when everyone fussed over a pregnancy or new baby meant the world to me.

thanks to you and a hand squeeze.

WannaGoToTheSeaside Mon 25-Jan-16 20:32:35

Thank you for the flowers and hand squeeze flowers

The only friend I had that understood is the one that's pregnant now, and I could never tell her how I feel. I think she knows to a certain extent and she's been very sensitive, but I could never tell her how I'm struggling with it. She deserves all the joy this baby is bringing her and I could never put a downer on that.
None of my other friends understand. I think they think I'm over it.
My partner left a few months after the miscarriage which was about 2 weeks before my friend told me she's pregnant so I don't have him anymore either.

I do have an appointment wih my gp on Friday which I'm petrified about. I've kept on going for DS while my life has fallen apart around me and everyone thinks I'm okay. Everyone says how strong I've been but I haven't. I'm so scared to admit I'm not dealing with this.

This has turned into such a pity fest. I just don't know how to pick up the pieces right now

JCleRoux Mon 25-Jan-16 20:37:08

I am so sorry for your loss. Take as long as you need to mourn and grieve your baby daughter. There are no rules. flowers

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 25-Jan-16 20:39:09

Thinking of you OP

KittyandTeal Mon 25-Jan-16 20:43:44

Do you know what; it's ok to not be ok. Of course you're not ok.

Do you have to give the clothes away? Is it something you feel you need to do or could you make an excuse to not give them to her? (I understand needing to, I insisted on my db and sil having al, our baby stuff after loosing dd2 and thinking we couldn't have more, turns out I've had to go back on it as I have a surprise baby on the way now)

You need to find someone to talk to. Have you had counselling? It utterly saved me after loosing dd2 and I'm back again now.

hopinghopefullyagain Mon 25-Jan-16 20:43:57

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My dd was stillborn, people often said how strong we were and how well we were doing. I wanted to scream 'no we're not but we can hardly go round sobbing all day every day can we?'. I have no magic words of wisdom but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other was and still is my mantra

KittyandTeal Mon 25-Jan-16 20:47:27

Hopefully you're right. So many people have done the 'you're so strong, I could never get through it like you' I always say 'yes you could, you do it because you have to, I'm not strong I just don't have a choice'.

Counselling also made me realise that all the talk of being strong I took as praise and was all centred around getting on with things. I have readjusted my view of strong, to me strong is now being about to say 'today is a shit day and I can't cope/I'm not coming in to work I can't do it/today I'm just going to cry'

One day at a time.

Diggum Mon 25-Jan-16 20:49:45

I'm so so sorry for your terrible loss.

I think it's a very brave and sensible thing to see your GP.

Your world was torn apart last year and it so hard when people just... forget. Or when your appearance of strength is so convincing that they believe you.

You need time and help to deal with your grief- for your little girl, and for the ending of your relationship with your DP and the possibility of more children in that particular life you had.

It's not a sign of weakness to need help. It is a sign of you being honest with yourself and admitting to your absolutely natural heartbreak. Your GP will be glad to help you, I'm sure of it. And there IS help for you. Life can still hold such joy and delight even though you have been through such pain.

I wish you the best OP. Keep talking to us here if you need it, and for as long as you need it. There is no time limit on grieving, even if the world around us sometimes thinks there is.


TheExMotherInLaw Mon 25-Jan-16 20:59:48

So sorry for your loss, and the opening up of the pain. As was said upthread, it's ok not to be ok.
Grief comes in waves and stages. Your kind gesture to your friend is understandably starting you crying again.
Do tell your GP.
I was a mess for a very long while after ds died soon after birth.
Be as gentle with yourself as you would be if it were a friend going through this.

WannaGoToTheSeaside Mon 25-Jan-16 21:00:39

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for all of your lovely messages.

I've had a quick read of them but I'm back at work for a few hours and I'll be the crazy lady blubbing in the corner if I read them all properly right now. I have a major deadline Thursday so I'm trying to hold it all together and get through until then.

I'll be back later once I'm home and can reply properly

RoTo72 Mon 25-Jan-16 23:55:59

Aw sweetie its so not a pity party. U have every right to feel emotional and I think ur being a wonderful friend. Even thru ur pain u wish her well and are giving up something so precious in those clothes. U deserve a massive hug. I think ur being incredibly strong, even if u don't feel u r ❤

WannaGoToTheSeaside Tue 26-Jan-16 00:59:16

Well I'm home and I've just sobbed my way through all of your messages.
I'm so sorry to everyone else who's suffered a loss flowers

Kitty I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your surprise baby! No I've not had any counselling, I've not really even admitted to myself how badly I'm dealing with this until this week. I do feel very much like I need to give the clothes away. I was planning to give them away to this friend before I fell pregnant as I knew she was ttc. My miscarriage has delayed it all slightly but it's still something I need to do.

Every time someone says I'm strong I want to scream. I'm not strong. I don't feel strong. I have no choice but to get up every day and go through the motions. I have no option but to keep everything as normal as possible for DS. I'm barely keeping my head above water most of the time but I'm all DS has and he needs me to keep fighting through this.

This week everything seems to have accumulated and made me realise quite how shit I feel. My ex has been in touch which just reminds me of what I've lost. And a few nights ago DS asked me if he was going to have a baby sister like his friends. His innocent little face looked heartbroken when I explained he wasn't.

My gp is lovely but I'm so scared to say out loud how I'm feeling. I've just been pretending to be okay for months now and I don't want to let that guard down.

My friends don't know what to say to me if I mention my baby. They all seem to clam up and not say anything and that's worse. I just want someone to say 'do you know what, it's fucking shit and I can't say anything to make it better but I'm right here holding your hand'. I don't want to do this on my own. I want my ex to give me a hug and tell me he's in this with me and he's not going anywhere. My whole future has crumbled away from beneath me and I don't know how to fix it on my own. I didn't want this to be about my ex but when he left I feel like he took away a little bit of my baby, and he took away my safe place to grieve.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. It's so bitter sweet but knowing I'm not totally alone makes everything seem a little better

Diggum Tue 26-Jan-16 19:46:57

I've just seen your update and wanted to bump for you so you might get some more handholding.

You're absolutely right. It is shit. Utterly utterly shit and I can't imagine how much the shiftiness is magnified by your DP leaving. Sometimes a cuddle makes such a difference, if only for a short while.

So I'm sending you a big virtual bear hug- a really big squeezy hug for all of the awful shit you've been through.

Listen to Kitty, she speaks with experience. Counselling isn't you failing, or letting the side down. it's you reaching out for the help you really do need. Be honest with your GP- you're not going to disappoint anyone by asking for some hands to pull you out of this desperate hole.

We're all here rooting for you.

Hugs, flowers, brew. Keep talking.

Diggum Tue 26-Jan-16 19:47:57

Shittiness, not shiftiness!

KittyandTeal Tue 26-Jan-16 19:55:41

I totally understand the needing to give the clothes away. Is counselling something you would consider? I know it's not for everyone but I found it a really safe place to grieve and learn what grief is. I found having a great counsellor a life saver.

I guess I'm also lucky in that my friends are of the 'it's fucking shitty, I can't do anything but I love you' type which is exactly what I need. It's hard to tell people that's what you need though.

It really sounds like you need a safe space to go through all of your loss (including that of you exh too)

flowers in the mean time keep talking, we're here for you

WannaGoToTheSeaside Tue 26-Jan-16 20:53:26

Thank you Diggum sometimes I just want a hug. Like a proper big safe squeezy hug.
I'm feeling a little better today. I let myself have a good cry last night and I've been busy all day today which helps.

Kitty I think perhaps counselling is something I need to think about. I just want a safe place to not be okay all of the time. My ex was really quite unwell for a while before he left and it's been so long since I could just not be okay with someone.

I have one friend who was a life saver when I was miscarrying. He sat on the phone to me for hours while I cried and just said (in a very Welsh valleys accent) 'well that's fucking shit mun. I dunno what the fuck to say though. Bloody hell...fucking shit that is...fuck' which was exactly what I needed.
Everyone else seemed to want to make things okay, and once they realised nothing they could ever say would make things better they just stopped saying anything.

I feel more positive about speaking to my gp today and I'm looking forward to it in a strange way. I know it'll be emotional and difficult and I'll cry but it's almost a relief to have given myself permission to admit I'm finding this hard.
It means such a lot to not be alone in this right now, thank you

WannaGoToTheSeaside Fri 29-Jan-16 14:31:39

Just been to see my GP, I think that's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was feeling a lot better today and I almost didn't go but I read back over this thread and it made me realise I needed to do it. She was so lovely and just said a lot of what you've all said to me. We had a chat about how the people around me have reacted to my miscarriage (not knowing what to say so saying nothing). She thinks the problem is that I have no one to talk to, and said that I can keep going back to talk to her but she thinks that won't be enough, so I have a phone number to ring for some counselling services. I'm just sat at home now looking at the phone number. I don't know if I have the strength to keep admitting to people how I feel. Usually when I feel down I go for a run and don't really let myself feel sad, so telling people how I feel is pushing me out of my comfort zone and its the opposite of how I've been dealing with things.
Today started off a good day, I've got a day off after yesterday's deadline and ds is in preschool, and now I just feel scared and alone. My house feels so sad and empty right now sad

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