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8 weeks since miscarriage

(44 Posts)
RoTo72 Sun 17-Jan-16 14:54:02

Hi. Many of u will know my story, (this is not my first post). Found out 8 weeks ago tomorrow I had a missed miscarriage.
On the third week I felt a lot better, felt like I had accepted what happened and was ready to move on. Oh how wrong I was. 8 weeks on I'm still breaking down, still aching for my angel. I want my baby so bad it physically hurts. I am trying to put a normal face on, for my son and even for my partner. I'm not sleeping at nights to after 4am. All I'm doing is cooking and cleaning. I realised earlier I actually haven't left my house in 9 days. One day is blending into the next. I find myself watching tv r the news and thinking how awful the world is and how much suffering and pain people have to go through is just cruel. I start counselling on Tuesday and I really hope it helps me deal with things and live. I don't think Il ever "get over it" and i know there will be bad days and things will make me sad, but id really like to go out, sleep and eat again. I have no enthusiasm for anything. I feel I'm going thru the motions of living. Sorry for rant, has no flow, but neither does my thought process at the moment

Loki17 Sun 17-Jan-16 16:10:54

I really hope the councilling helps, Ro. I wish I knew what to say to help. flowers

redstrawberries101 Sun 17-Jan-16 16:15:13

Sorry your still feeling rough roto. Like you, I am beginning to feel a bit better but I never know when it's going to come crashing down now. I think though, without sounding like a cow, or insensitive bitch, that we do need to keep it in perspective, what's happened is terrible but there are others in our life, partners, family and you have your son who deserve to have us the way they know us. By being in this trance, they are missing out. I know it sounds harsh but sometimes we need to take a step back.

You can ofcourse share your thoughts and feelings but be aware of how it can take over your life and all the areas in it. Big massive hug xxx

RoTo72 Sun 17-Jan-16 16:40:49

Tbh Mel i think u r being insensitive. I know I have to try and change, hence the counselling. I know I have to get on with my life, but at the same time I am grieving and I'm entitled to that Unlike you I wont be ttc, this was r last chance.

redstrawberries101 Sun 17-Jan-16 16:48:30

Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel like that. Hopefully the counselling will help.. Ofcourse you are entitled to grieve, and you should let yourself feel what you feel. From your post I wasn't sure how this was affecting your partner and son so just wanted to highlight that X

RoTo72 Sun 17-Jan-16 17:04:52

I know u didn't, and I know I am being over sensitive. While I can talk about what happened in very good at putting a front on things. The only person I truly open up to and cry openly with is my dad. My oh was devastated, he has no children and I feel I need to stop leaning on him so much as he looked after me so well the first few weeks. He's very supportive but I think he needs his time now. My son, who is my world, thinks everything is back to normal. I'm try so hard during the days to keep going and smile, its nights I break down when I'm alone. This is why I can't sleep. I do think however the days I go out, I do feel better. Iv arranged 3 outtings this week. That along with the counselling, something has to help

redstrawberries101 Sun 17-Jan-16 17:55:09

Aww.. Perhaps you need not try so hard to hide from partner and son though? It can be very draining on top of just dealing with the raw emotions. Maybe if you let them in, the three of you can deal with it together, as a family. I felt like you a few days ago, felt selfish for leaning on DH so stepped back but then realised I felt alone and he felt alone and it was counter productive.

obsessedlex Sun 17-Jan-16 18:09:40

Just sending you a hug Ro, we've chatted before, mine was about the same time as yours. It's so hard. We had to put down our 13yr old dog last week and it brought it all back.
Good luck with the counselling. I'm going for acupuncture on Tuesday, just to try to get my body And mind back on track. Xxx

redstrawberries101 Sun 17-Jan-16 18:47:47

Obsessed - have you had acupuncture before? I was thinking of getting it done too

obsessedlex Sun 17-Jan-16 19:38:56

No Mel, never, a friend of mine saw this lady for help conceiving and she went on to have it throughout her pregnancy. She sailed through, never tired, never sick, totally smooth pregnancy so I figured it might be good to see her. At the very least if she helps me from becoming a complete basket case through ttc and hopefully my journey to a BFP then it will be money well spent!

redstrawberries101 Sun 17-Jan-16 19:56:45

That's exactly what I have been thinking!! I actually made a thread to ask but never got any responses. Let me know how you get on X

obsessedlex Sun 17-Jan-16 20:12:35

I'll let you know smilexx

redstrawberries101 Mon 18-Jan-16 16:22:56

How are you today roto? Hope I didn't scare you away the other day,. Please do keep posting xxx

RoTo72 Mon 18-Jan-16 20:35:30

Hi. Ok(ish) today. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Son had fall in school and cut his hand quite bad. But cos of the Aspergers he tells no one. A teacher noticed it bleeding later on in the afternoon and cleaned and bandaged it up and phoned to tell me. I brought pharmacist to let him look at it to see if he thought it needed stitched. Pharmacist said he could put paper stitches in as he.was doing that son fainted. Ready freaked me out. He used to have fits when he was younger and it just brought it all back. He was only put.a few seconds but I'm.still on edge hrs later.

Loki17 Mon 18-Jan-16 21:02:41

Aw your poor boy. My brother was always the same with injuries. He'd work himself up about it but tell no one. I'm not surprised you are shaken up. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago when I'd not long found out. DH and dd were supposed to be waiting for me whilst I popped to the loo and when I came out they'd gone into a shop and I freaked out because I couldn't find them. I hope he is okay now. I just wanted to wish you luck for your councilling session tomorrow. I had CBT councilling for Bulimia in my early 20s. I hated it at times because it was hard but it really helped me and changed my life. I hope that it helps you too xx

JoMalones Mon 18-Jan-16 21:11:44

Hey Ro. Hope you're ok. I've been lurking but not posting as still having problems but it seems there's a few familiar names on here. We are ttc again but I am still desperately aching for this baby. I bought a silver ring and had the baby's name out inside it. It will never come off. Thinking of you x

RoTo72 Mon 18-Jan-16 21:25:07

Thanks ladies. Loki I'm dreading tomorrow. I know.i need to be honest and open but if I do I know Il cry and then have to make my way thru town looking a mess. I'm not vain at all but when I cry I go blotchy and ud notice.
Awk Jo that's lovely. I have a necklace with my babies name.on a heart and an angel wing on it too.
I'm feeling very anxious tonight. Prob more about what happened to ds. I feel like I'm seconds away from panic attack. Trying to keep busy. Doing laundry at this time of night just to get myself off my ass.

Loki17 Mon 18-Jan-16 22:04:30

I understand. I'm as pale as milk so I go splotchy too. You might find that your first session is about building up a bit of a relationship between you and your councillor. If I were you I'd take a big pair of sunglasses and make up if you wear it. I remember how awful it was having to walk out of the private clinic sobbing with all of these pregnant couples around me. You are doing the right thing though. You deserve some piece of mind and you deserve to heal. I hope that it helps you.
Jo - your ring sounds lovely. We didn't name our baby because we didn't have any names ready so couldn't think of anything. I sometimes wish we had. I'm desperate to find some a ring or necklace with a garnet stone but haven't found anything yet. I want a garnet to represent the month that our baby arrived. I did order a necklace but when it came it wasn't real silver and I hasn't realised. It tarnished with an hour and didn't feel very sturdy. I want something I can wear forever to keep him with me. I think I must sound crazy.

RoTo72 Mon 18-Jan-16 22:13:19

My counselling is thru work. So I have to go to the floor above my office. I just hope I don't meet anyone on way

JoMalones Mon 18-Jan-16 22:35:57

Oh Ro. I'm glad you're getting counselling and I hope it helps you. I'm such an ugly crier! I would pack a compact, under eye concealer and mascara. Or wear big jewellery or bright lipstick to draw attention away from your eyes. I'm sure they would understand if you refreshed in the room! Your necklace sounds beautiful.
Loki, the name of the place the baby was conceived was our nickname for it (like some people use peanut etc). We didn't use one of our short list names. We are hoping to ttc and I couldn't use our favourite girls name but I would use the boys if we were lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy (and of course it was a boy!) it was from not on the high street and about £25 inc the personalisation. It was that or a little tattoo of a star.

redstrawberries101 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:02:27

Good luck today roto, thinking of you xx

SeriousStuff Tue 19-Jan-16 10:33:54

Good luck today.

I completely understand what you're going through and feeling. I lost my baby at around 8 weeks on Christmas eve and every time I think I'm moving on, it comes back and hits be right between the eyes. I'm worried that it's leading to depression rather than just grief and may need to see my GP this week.

I just feel very alone.

Do let us know how you get on today x

RoTo72 Tue 19-Jan-16 12:04:16

Thanks. I'm home. She was lovey. I actually saw her 10yrs ago when my mum had cancer and son was going thru his autism diagnosis.

JoMalones Tue 19-Jan-16 15:47:32

Glad it went well. Are you seeing her again? Is your son ok?

RoTo72 Tue 19-Jan-16 18:51:19

Yes. Next appointment is my first day back at work. 2nd Feb. I'm actually a bit nervous though back now. Seen a guy from my team when I was going into work and I hid behind a car so he wouldn't speak to me. Phoned my manager and he met me. I asked him to explain to the team what happened and to ask them to give me a bit of space just the first day r two. It's the type of office everyone knows everything about each other. We.would go out for lunches and meals together quite often. So I know.ppl will literally just come up and ask why I was off.

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