Feeling like a failure

[AKP79]

Feeling like a total failure today...

Yesterday I had to meet my ex and handover our 4 year old son because it's his contact weekend. He is an arse and it's an incredibly long story, but through lying cheating and bullying, even in court, he has managed to secure a pretty full on contact arrangement, which if he was a normal father would be fine, but he's not. And you'll have to just trust me on that, even my solicitor's shocked at the outcome. However,yesterday my 4yo didn't want to go. He was sad, he was clinging onto me, he refused to look at his dad and the worst bit was he didn't cry. He just kept whispering in my ear that he didn't want to go, but he knew crying was pointless because I and he have no choice. It broke my heart and I cried for the whole hours journey home.

I then got home and the full force of this missed miscarriage hit me. I felt like a failure. I have failed to look after my 4 yo and keep him happy and with me, even though over the years I have tried my hardest. And I failed to keep his sibling safe and protected too.

I know this feeling of failure is all part of the grievance process and I know that in both situations I was powerless, but it doesn't stop the 'what ifs' creeping in.

I've been lying in bed feeling sad, so I'm going to get up and declutter the house and go to yoga. But I needed to get these thoughts and feelings out.

[Loki17]

I'm so sorry. You are not a failure. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to hand your lo over and then be without them for a time. I struggle to fill my time when dd stays at her nannies and can't get rid of me quick enough. Try and do something lovely for yourself today. I hope your lo ends up having a nice time stand you get big cuddles when he gets back xx

[RoTo72]

Op iv been there. My ex was an ass. He really was the lowest of the low. It broke my heart handing my son over. The only saving grace was son wanted to go. Ex now has grown up quite a bit and is in a stable relationship with a lovely woman. Ur not a failure at all, none of us are. Life is just shit sometimes.

[redstrawberries101]

OP, that broke my heart having to send your 4 year old when he was whispering in your ear. Not sure what to say but didn't want to read and run. One thing is for sure though, you are absolutely NOT a failure! Xx