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So lonely and hurting

(100 Posts)
Hansolosyoyo Mon 11-Jan-16 12:20:48

It was still very early in the pregnancy but the grief I'm experiencing is for the lost future and the hope we had for our second child. It's for the vision of the cute toddler who's just learned to walk and talk, it's for baby cuddles and the first day of school, it's for not being able to see a big sister's face upon first meeting their sibling.

I lie here contracting just like I did with my first and only child, only this time there is no happy ending. The timing couldn't be worse for me - I've an important application to get done in a week and so much work still to do for it but I just don't feel like I want to. I can't stop crying long enough to be able to.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My oh isn't the greatest communicator & my mum went home this morning 4 hours away after looking after my child for the weekend.

I'm scared of passing what was essentially only a cluster of cells, a life that didn't get so far as to have a heartbeat. That should make me feel better apparently but it just makes me feel worse, like it wasn't even given a chance. I want it to hurry up and end and I want it to never end.

I just don't know why I'm doing all I do know is that I'm having a miscarriage right now and I feel so lonely.

OP’s posts: |
Loki17 Mon 11-Jan-16 12:29:22

You need to let yourself feel and know that you are not alone Your baby was your baby. Love begins when you see that line on the pregnancy test. There are some great people on this forum, but you could also try The Miscarriage Association or a charity called Saying Goodbye. I've posted my story on here, reading it might make you feel less alone. I'm very sorry for your loss flowers

Hansolosyoyo Mon 11-Jan-16 13:14:47

Thanks. I tried to look at the miscarriage assoc forum but was confronted by graphic porn images. It did make me laugh a little... I'm guessing it was hacked. You'd have to be quick sick to link a miscarriage site to a porn site.

OP’s posts: |
InsufficientlyCaffeinated Mon 11-Jan-16 13:26:51

Hey hansolo I saw you on the early morning insomnia thread, I'm sorry it's turning out this way. I lost my first pregnancy recently but I have found myself wondering if it is perhaps harder for those who already have a child as you know more of what it is you're losing. For me my lost baby feels like an abstract idea. I've never experienced a full term pregnancy or a child's early moments. You have my deepest sympathy.

Try not to worry about those other things you need to do, just focus on getting through this and feeling well again. I have an important funding application to do otherwise I can't do a project later in the year but right now, even though I am sure I'll be very much happy to do that project when it comes around, right now I just lack the strength to do the application. Perhaps you'll feel more ready to do it in a few days. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself the room to grieve and recover.

spilttheteaagain Mon 11-Jan-16 15:54:40

I hear you OP. The crushed dreams, changed future, total disorientation. Combined with physical exhaustion and stress, and hormones, and the mix/alternation of pain, grief, total lowness, inability to do anything and intermittent anger and railing against fate. I'm right there with you. Everything you feel is normal. It's shit but it's normal and there are thousands of us experiencing this heartache. I'm so sorry your oh is not the support you need right now. Could you talk to your mum on the phone? Any friends who've had miscarriages who might be able to give you a hug. Do keep posting, it's better out than in. I hope the physical side of it hurries up and gets it over with for you.

I am desperate to stop bleeding, it is stressing me out worrying about retained tissue. My situation is a bit different, my baby was diagnosed with acrania/anencephaly, incompatible with life abnormalities and so I had to end the pregnancy and delivered my baby in hospital on New Years Eve, at just over 13 weeks. But the bleeding is dragging on and on and I am still getting +ve tests and I just want this over with now so I can grieve without stressing about the physical side.

flowers for you.

Hansolosyoyo Mon 11-Jan-16 17:20:35

Oh spilttheteaagain - I'm so sorry for your loss sad I hope you stop bleeding soon.

I don't have friends who've had miscarriages or if they have they've never mentioned it. I guess that's the part that bothers me, now we're just meant to forget it happened and move on... But why should we forget? Why can't we talk about our grief? It shouldn't be taboo whether the person we've lost is an embryo or 80years old

OP’s posts: |
Hansolosyoyo Mon 11-Jan-16 17:25:02

Insufficientlycaffeinated - I don't think it makes a difference having a child already - whether child free or already a parent the hopes and dreams are the same. The loss of a child in early pregnancy is almost like an abstract concept and the personality we devise in our heads is never how reality will work. I don't want anyone to think my experience is worse because I have a child, oh f*ck no! I'm blessed to have that distraction and those cuddles. I almost feel selfish being upset when I know so many women on forums like these are struggling to have their first. I'm so sorry you lost your first pregnancy IC I sincerely hope you get your thb soon xx

OP’s posts: |
spilttheteaagain Mon 11-Jan-16 20:29:35

You're right it shouldn't be taboo, it is an extra pain we have to struggle with that people are so uncomfortable about pregnancy loss they try and ignore it. Part of the difficulty comes I think that you bond with your baby from the moment you find out you are pregnant, whereas for others it's a bit of an abstract concept until they meet the baby once it's born. It's very much your loss, and there aren't shared memories and shared grief. That is very lonely.

Personally I am trying to keep my friends aware this time (it's not my first loss), and saying that I am having a rough day/weepy day/angry day when they ask how I am rather than pretending. Pretending didn't make it ok last time, and uncomfortable as others may be feeling (I don't really care anymore!) I am finding it cathartic to keep writing/emailing/texting and saying how I feel. Sometimes people surprise you and can be wonderfully kind or open up themselves.

Keep posting if it's helping you. There are always people who "get it" to listen on here.

Loki17 Mon 11-Jan-16 21:03:15

I'm not pretending either. It's not my fault that this has happened, It is desperately sad but I'm not pretending if been off with flu because my work colleagues might find knowing what to say a little awkward. I don't expect any type of special treatment and I'm behaving normally and doing my best to be upbeat. I'm just not hiding it. If people say nothing because they dint know what to say then is fine, if they ask me how I'm feeling that is okay too. SIL asked if she could see our scan photos today, she's wanted to know the details and has been good to talk too. My other SIL has just talked about other things and she has been a lovely distraction.

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:14:46

Miscarriage is so delicate , no one can really understand unless they have been through it. There are some wonderful people on here whom you will get to know so please do keep posting! I miscarried last Tuesday (discovered at 12 weeks - baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks) and today a scan confirmed everything has passed. Just taking it at a day at a time. X

Hansolosyoyo Wed 13-Jan-16 16:59:27

My heart goes out to all you other ladies struggling right now. This may be tmi /triggery.

Unlike any other grief I've experienced this has the added horror of physical pain and discomfort too. I'm properly bleeding now and while the cramps aren't unbearable (like my periods are!) painkillers aren't taking the pain away. It's like my body is crying out in pain at its loss too sad - I can't stand up for any length of time or the blood just gushes out & unlike a period I can't catch it before it gets to the outside world. And the smell - it's so different from period - reminds me of having a newborn only this time there is no one to take my mind off the smelly mess. Uncontrollable hormonal sadness has given way to the waves. One minute I'm working away at something the next I'm overcome in a wave very real sadness then it just flows away waiting for the next wave to arrive . This is a sadness no one else in my wee world is sharing.

I'm so grateful for the words you ladies have written here - it makes me see that you all have the same experience in your own wee worlds too and while I'm sad others are feeling this - it's nice to know I can say what I'm feeling here and someone will know what I mean.,

OP’s posts: |
Loki17 Wed 13-Jan-16 17:05:46

Get yourself checked out Han. It shouldn't be that heavy that you are gushing and there shouldn't be a smell. Have you got access to an epu or gyne ward?

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 20:36:06

Please do get checked as I don't want to scare you but it might be an infection too. Xxx

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 12:51:45

How are you doing Han? Don't worry about TMI on here, but like the others I would urge you to see your GP or phone the hospital for advice.

I had a surprise scare on Tuesday - not bled all that much to be honest overall which I was quite surprised about given the baby was over 13 weeks, but then at a friends on Tuesday the bleeding suddenly ramped right up, I flooded through my pad & pants, went to the loo and was passing loads of clots. It really scared me, and I went all clammy and got uncontrollable shakes and apparently went very white. I called DH home from work and a friend drove me back home, and when he came in I was teeth chattering and shaking like mad, it was really odd. The bleeding basically stopped then but I was left having fairly painful contractions for the rest of the day, had to use a hot water bottle for relief. It's stopped again, and then last night I had a smaller bout of the same, and now I'm back to just a bit of blood on wiping and a bit achy and nervous after it all. Horrible isn't it.

Before anyone worries though, I did phone the hospital for advice and they were of the opinion if the blood loss is not ongoing it's not dangerous, and as long as no temperature, not feeling ill and there's no unpleasant or unusual smell there;s probably no infection. Apparently all the contractions after the clots/mad bleeding are essentially afterpains as the uterus is shrinking down further.

It's so physical isn't it? And that's before you even touch on the emotional car crash. I am so exhausted and washed out.

Tomorrow we are laying our baby to rest. (S)he will be buried with our DD1 who was stillborn at 20 weeks. We have a baby grave at a local cemetery and have been given permission to reopen the grave to have the baby interred with his/her sister. It feels right to have them together. I wrote a long long letter to the baby which will be put in the little casket and cried and cried as I wrote, but it was cathartic. I needed to say how sorry I was, how I hate the choice we were forced to make, how angry I am to be left without another baby, how sorry I am that I couldn't accept or get excited about the pregnancy because I am so damaged by DD1's death that pregnancy is now very traumatic and difficult, but that I love love loved that little baby so much, and I am beyond sorry that we cannot bring him/her home and into our family. It's just all such a terrible waste. I am broken all over again.

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 13:05:16

Split the tea - so sorry you are going through this. No words can really describe. Do take the time to allow yourself to grieve. Do talk to your partner.

The physical side is really tough, I miscarried at 12 weeks with medical management and the baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks. I was in Hosp for medical management (I was already in for urinary sepsis). The contractions were unbearable and twice I blacked out. They were giving me morphine, ibuprofen, dihydrocodeine and paracetomol but it only took the edge off.

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 13:15:39

I'm so sorry Mel, it's unspeakable isn't it. I was in agony having DD1, the induced contractions were beyond anything I can describe, it was appalling and the intramuscular morphine wasn't much help. This time in hospital was mercifully much easier and I managed ok with hot water bottle to the stomach and very firm back rubbing by DH. I was really scared about the pain and was really really grateful it wasn't a patch on last time.

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 13:38:03

Sorry to hear about your dd1 too split. You are incredibly strong xxx

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 14:35:04

I'm not, no one is. You just muddle on and live with it, there's not really anything else you can do is there. How are you feeling today?

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 14:47:59

I agree you do just have to muddle through.. What else is there to do? Was feeling ok but my elderly mil is really unwell and I'm now upset over that as well. My hormones just feel everywhere I've had lots of cries today. Now watching pretty little liar to distract myself!

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 16:05:25

Hormones are a nightmare aren't they. I was so furious on Monday and kicking things round the house in an absolutely foul mood. Other days I cry for hours. And there are very very low days. Obviously grief does all those things too but hormones seem to exacerbate the mad swings from extreme to extreme and add to the out of control feeling. I watched the Sound of Music for distraction therapy last week, it was great actually. Less wise was the Rabbit Hole which is a heartbreaking film about child bereavement that I howled through. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. What a lot to face.

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:21:41

Thank you, you are right, hormones defo having a part to play. How long do you think until they settle down?

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 16:44:30

I'm assuming not until a negative pregnancy test at the earliest, and possibly not until the next period is done and dusted. I expect the worst is the first couple of weeks. I've stopped the hormonal night sweats now thank goodness, they were disgusting, but I'm now 2 weeks post the baby coming out and definitely still feeling the hormonal swing! Still testing positive too for now. Hopefully not for much longer.

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:48:05

I miscarried on Tuesday last week so it's only just been over a week. I didn't get night sweats but noticed my feet were sweating a lot. This seems to have calmed down. I don't think I'll test yet as I'm still bleeding a little. X

spilttheteaagain Thu 14-Jan-16 16:51:16

Good plan. I was a pillock and tested last week (so about a week on) and got a + but it was a fainter one than the +ve tests from the start of the pregnancy. It really upset me, it was like watching the baby fade away. But on another level I really wanted to see the +ve and I will be perversely upset when it goes -ve. None of the feelings are logical are they!

redstrawberries101 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:57:20

No not logical at all lol! I think I'll prefer to just see the negative now to be honest. Once I put it behind my physically I can 100% focus on the emotional side. I'm going to see my nutrionist for supplemental advice this evening so I can start to heal my body and get ready to TTC again X

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