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My Story

(53 Posts)
Loki17 Sun 10-Jan-16 15:37:29

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my posts over the last few weeks. It has been a very traumatic time and so many of you have been so kind and supportive. Miscarriage is probably one of the loneliest things I have ever been through, despite having the support of my DH and my amazing family. The sad truth is, unless you have been there, you just do not know. Thank you all for helping me through this.
I am writing my story down in the hope that it will help someone else in the future and also because, now that everything is over, I am hoping for some closure. This is the whole story from the beginning.
We arranged to have a private scan at almost 11 weeks on the 23rd of December. I was expecting DC2 and my pregnancy had been fairly uneventuful - I had quite strong symptoms - terrible nausea and sickness, massive boobs that ached etc. I even considered that I might be pregnant with twins as my symptoms were so strong in comparison to when I was pregnant with DD and I didn’t have any sickness at all. The scan pictures were to be a Christmas gift for our parents and we would finally tell dd she was going to be a big sister. When we went for the scan, they found that the baby had died at 8 weeks. Because it was Christmas, the hospital wouldn't see me until the 28th. Christmas was very hard to get through. I had a little bleed on Christmas day and then again on boxing day. On Boxing Day I felt my waters go, at the time, I thought this meant that it would happen imminently but it didn’t. At my appointment on the 28th the hospital were pretty awful. It was evident that they were running a skeleton staff. The sonographer who scanned me said that she could see the sac had collapsed and that it was difficult to see much because there was a lot of blood. She said that she could see a 2.5cm diameter sac and a 3mm foetal pole. Because the foetal pole was under 7mm they would not refer me for medical management as the ‘protocol’ was to wait a week to see if there is any growth. On my private scan the sac measured 8.5cm and the baby 1.29 cm. They could see it in black and white on the pictures. They acknowledged that the private scan showed an 8 week old foetus but said that they had to ‘disregard’ the private scan and go with what they could see, which wasn’t much because of the collapse and blood. The nurse admitted to me that it was cruel and that there was no hope at all for my baby, but sent me home to wait a week. I literally begged them to give me medical management. I told them I was frightened of seeing the baby and that I didn’t think I could cope. They told me that all I’d experience would be a heavy period. They were wrong.
The following Saturday, at 12 weeks and 1 day, my mucus plug came away. I only know it was a mucus plug because I have already been through labour when I had my dd. It was exactly the same. By the Sunday, the bleeding had started. I phoned the hospital who told me that there would be no point in scanning me because it had started naturally. They tried to say that I didn’t need to be scanned at all but I insisted on having another appointment. I want them to check everything has come away and that I can try again in the future. I’ve only got one working ovary. I cannot take the risk. That scan is booked for tomorrow.
Over the week, the bleeding became steadily heavier. By Wednesday, the bleeding was really heavy and I was cramping a lot. I managed on ibruprofen and a hot water bottle. It felt very much like early labour pains. On Friday morning, I decided to try and get out of the house. I went to my local Tesco to buy a few things. The cramping had got much worse. I felt like I was struggling to walk a little. The pains were all in my back and radiating down my legs as well as my tummy. There was a lot of pressure and I felt like I needed to push. I posted on here because I thought I was going a bit mad. It felt just like labour with my dd. I spent the rest of the day resting taking paracetamol and ibruprofen. I felt emotional and weak. I drank a couple of glasses of wine and ended up going to bed. At about 3am I woke up with heavy bleeding and pain. I took more pain relief and drifted off back to sleep. At 7ish, I woke feeling very strange. I was hazy but I had the urge to push again and as I stood up I felt a huge gush. I went to the bathroom and there it was. My amniotic sac. It was much larger than I was expecting – the size of my palm, as wide and maybe a bit longer. Having been through labour before, I knew exactly what I was looking at – it was undoubtedly the sac and placenta. It was collapsed. I knew that my baby would be somewhere inside but I didn’t look. I just wrapped it in tissue paper. It was a bit of a bloodbath and I had to shower. However, since then the bleeding has lightened dramatically and I am now only spotting. It is like someone has turned off a tap. The hospital had been completely wrong in their estimation of what to expect. What happened was what the private clinic had told me would happen. In my mind, this proves that my baby was 8 weeks. I don’t know why I consider this detail important, but I do. I miscarried at 13 weeks and 1 day. January 9th 2016.
I knew that I couldn’t flush the remains away. I’m glad I didn’t because my toilet blocked with the volume of tissue paper I’d used so that would have been horrific. After the way I was treated by the hospital, I didn’t want to take the baby back there. I feel like I was forced to have a natural miscarriage against my wishes because it was Christmas. The nurse admitted as much. If I’d had my private scan a week earlier they would have seen me the same day as the clinic did. Because it was Christmas, there wasn’t enough time to scan me, give me the tablets and bring me back for the pessary before Christmas day. I’m too angry with the hospital. So, DH and I decided that we would bury our baby. I’m not religious, but I felt like I needed to return my baby back to nature. DH was less keen, because he was worried it would be too sad. However, he is now glad we did.
We went to the garden centre and bought a large planter and a bush called ‘Winter Sun’. The name seemed apt. I like the idea that my baby’s tiny body will nourish the plant, the bees will get pollen from the flowers and bees and pollination are the very reason that we have oxygen. It feels like there will result on a positive impact on the world, although a small impact, out of this tragedy. We decided the best thing to do would be to use something that would biodegrade to hold our baby. I bought some white tissue paper (the stuff you use to wrap a gift in, not blow your nose) and we each wrote a message to our baby on the paper. I took photographs of the messages so that we will at least have something to put in a memory box. We wrapped our baby up in our words, along with a picture our dd had drawn (although she had no idea any of this has happened, I wanted baby to have something from his sister. I used one of the many pictures dd has in her art box) and placed him in the planter. Our little ‘Winter Sun’ has now been laid to rest. I wrote to the baby that I was so glad that I had carried him (not sure if he was a ‘he’ but my pregnancy was so different from with DD I just assumed) because he had changed me. I now understand sorrow in a way that I never could have before. But I also know I have a strength and an empathy that I hadn’t realised I had before. I loved this baby from the second I saw the faint squinty line on the test. Despite the sadness, this baby made me better than before. Just like having my dd did.
So now, I need to move forward. I have my ‘Winter Sun’. I’ve ordered a necklace – a silver heart with a garnet (the birthstone for January) so that I can carry this baby with me. Having a date on which I can remember him helps too. I know he wasn’t ‘born’ but he arrived and we said goodbye on January the 9th. It helps me to feel like Christmas will not be forever tainted now because I have January 9th. I do not feel like my due date of July 15th will be as raw because I have January 9th.
Im not sure that I am making any sense. It makes sense to me though and I feel comforted by it.
I hope my story helps other people who are going through this. I do not expect a reply but it is cathartic to write it down. Thanks for listening.

HopeintheAir Sun 10-Jan-16 15:42:35

I am so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

I had two miscarriages last year so understand a little of what you are going through.

Wishing you love and strength xxx

InsufficientlyCaffeinated Sun 10-Jan-16 16:17:00

It sounds like you gave your baby a beautiful little ceremony, I hope it helps you to heal. Here's to your Winter Sun flowers. Good luck Loki

SnackPlease Sun 10-Jan-16 16:22:05

loki I have followed your posts and 'spoken' to you on threads (I have recently NC'd) and just wanted to say what a beautiful post that is. I am so sorry for your loss. I've been there and it is the darkest time. I promise it will get easier, slowly. Please keep posting as I'm sure your experience and words will help others.

Loki17 Mon 11-Jan-16 10:28:11

A little update: I had my scan today and they confirmed only a small amount of tissue left which should come away in the next few days or with my next period. I have open access to the EPU incase anything happens to cause me concern for the next month I've also been offered a reassurance scan at 8 weeks in my next pregnancy and access to a councillor. The nurse today was very kind and has restored my faith a little.

Scrowy Mon 11-Jan-16 15:42:14

Hi Loki

Same shit different day eh for us smile thanks for sharing your story it makes me feel less alone at this time.

I've also had a scan today showing pretty much exactly the same as you, a bit of tissue left but nothing they are concerned about. I've also been offered an early scan at 8 weeks if there is a next time. This was my first pregnancy and it was unplanned (but very much wanted) so not sure when next time might be. Either way that offer is my first glimmer of the NHS actually being in anyway useful in this situation.

Unfortunately, like a lot of people I've not had a great experience. just refusals to scan me because it was 'just spotting' minimising my concerns, then after I let them know a private scan had confirmed a miscarriage absolutely no offers of support, pain management advice or general information and advice and the earliest scan date they would give me was for a week later (today). Fortunately (if you choose to look at it that way) I miscarried naturally hours after my private scan, otherwise I would have had to have spent the last week waiting with no fucking clue what was happening.

Today when I went for my scan they sat me in a tiny dead end corridor with 4 seats facing a natural birthing poster, the other 2 seats were taking up with a beaming couple who had just had heir successful 20week scan and we're waiting for the pictures to be printed.

To add salt to the wound I got an automated message from the private scan clinic yesterday asking me to review their service and ending with 'we hoped you enjoyed meeting your baby'. They definitely got feedback!

I can't fault the sensitivity of any of the staff I have encountered but the whole process is just crap. Considering between 1 in 4-5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage you would have thought there would be better systems in place for dealing with it.

Loki.... Hopefully see you soon on the antenatal club threads. I will keep a hopeful eye out for you

Scrowy Mon 11-Jan-16 15:48:10

Ergh so many incorrect autocorrects in that last post.

I forgot to add... Thank goodness for mumsnet. I would have been utterly lost without it for the last few weeks.

Diggum Mon 11-Jan-16 15:55:04

This is so sad Loki. But what a beautiful goodbye you gave your little Winter Sun.

Thank you for writing this. I've been there too and I think your post will help others going through the heartbreak.

My sincere sympathies to you and your DH and DDflowers.

KittyandTeal Mon 11-Jan-16 15:58:05

I'm so sorry for your losses. Baby loss and miscarriage changes you in an indescribable way unless you have been through it yourself.

Be kind to yourselves. Whatever gestation a baby is lost the grief is huge.

Loki17 Mon 11-Jan-16 18:08:04

Thank you all for your kind words. Scrowy, it sounds like we've fought the same battle Part of the reason I wrote this post is because the hospital didn't give me any advice other than 'you will have a heavy period and probably won't see anything.' That wasn't true or correct and the only reason I knew what was going on was because I'd been through labour and seen it before. It isn't fair at all.

FellOutOfBedTwice Mon 11-Jan-16 18:15:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

shopaholic85 Tue 12-Jan-16 11:00:48

Loki, I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. Posts like yours have really helped me to process what has happened to me thanks

Loki17 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:36:28

I feel so sad today. I think it might be hormones to be honest. I'm back to work tomorrow. Dreading it but I know I have to get it over with.

redstrawberries101 Tue 12-Jan-16 22:10:43

Loki - thinking of you loads. Got my scan tomorrow (miscarriage was last Tuesday at exactly 12 weeks) to check everything has passed.

Nothing will ever quite be the same again. They reckon the baby died at around 9 weeks and I saw the baby (it wasn't in the sac when it passed) it was fully formed with head, two eyes , arms and legs. Absolutely amazing but also heartbreaking. Cried a lot when I left the hospital.

MN and the wonderful people I have met on here have been life savers. Thank you so much xxx

InsufficientlyCaffeinated Wed 13-Jan-16 07:51:27

I hope your first day back goes as well as it can do and isn't too hard Loki. Go easy on yourself. Hopefully everybody will treat you with compassion today

Melvali I'll be thinking of you for your scan. I'm dreading mine on Friday mainly because I'm scared of it being officially over.

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 08:12:40

Thanks. I've got the doctors after to discuss sick line for next week too - I was thinking of suggesting I'll go back next thurs to give myself two days to ease in.

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 09:43:34

Scan was fine thankfully, they weren't able to check on ultrasound properly so they did an internal. Everything looked clear. Still got quite a lot of cramping though but she said that should ease off soon. Bleeding has already tapered and is mostly on wiping now.

She said that if the baby died at 8-9 weeks then it's usually a fundamental problem such as a syndrome but that doesn't mean it will happen again. I feel a little better and can hopefully begin to put this behind me from a physical perspective. I've asked for a scan photo of the baby so just waiting for that now. I was all over the place when they told me that it had stopped growing.

Loki17 Wed 13-Jan-16 17:48:24

Glad your scan went as well as it could, Mel. How are you feeling today, Insufficiently?
Work was ok. Everyone really kind. I'm exhausted though, I still feel very weak. Think I'm going to have lots of early nights.

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 21:14:17

You did so well going to work today Loki well done you. Definitely lots of rest and tlcsmile

InsufficientlyCaffeinated Wed 13-Jan-16 21:36:27

Glad it went OK. I get really exhausted if I do too much too. I'm still up at 9:30 tonight and this feels late for me right now. Just take it easy and let yourself rest.

I'm feeling OK today. This morning I got an automated email from Ovia the pregnancy app asking where I was and going on about the app can help with having a healthy pregnancy and with a link to check out my baby's progress. It was the first thing I read this morning and got so angry that I emailed a big rant to them about the insensitivity of such emails which I feel a little bad about now but was actually really cathartic! I didn't realise how much anger I had building up.

It's a week today since I started miscarrying. It's gone so quickly and it all feels like such an awful blur but in the positive moments I do feel hopeful for the future so I am focusing very much on those. Really keen to TTC again

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 21:53:58

One of my friends who I know has had trouble conceiving just told me that the docs have said there only chance is IVF.. I feel so guilty about the miscarriage now as I feel I am still in a more fortunate position than her although my baby is gone. sad it's really making me appreciate and put my experience into perspective. I must use all my negative energy into planning and TTC again no matter what the outcome. At least I have a chance to try

Scrowy Wed 13-Jan-16 22:33:23

There is a little group of us forming from the July group isn't there. I find it strangely comforting.

Insufficiently.. Sad to see you hear too. I sent an equally angry email to Babybond who I had my private scan with . They sent me a text a few days later asking me to review their service and ended with 'we hope you enjoyed meeting your baby'. I left them very prompt feedback grin

Loki17 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:56:49

I think that is such bad form. It must be obvious why you haven't used the app! The private clinic email was awful Scrowy - you'd think they would check! I've just done a pregnancy test and it is really faint. I'm hoping this is a sign that I'm getting back to normal. This time last week the tests were stronger than the control line. DH and I had our first miscarriage related row tonight. Considering it's been 3 weeks since we found out the baby had died we have done well. He is struggling. Would like to forget or pretend it isn't happening I think. Where as I never want to forget. It's bloody hard this. I wish none of you were here with me but I'm so grateful to be able to talk to you all xx

kavvAbanana Wed 13-Jan-16 23:07:05

I'm so sorry for those of you who have lost your little babies. That is unimaginable pain. flowers

Scrowy Wed 13-Jan-16 23:43:21

In fairness to Babybond I did get a very heartfelt apology.

My DP has been a bit rubbish Loki. Very much a 'wasn't meant to be lets move on' response rather than wallowing alongside me like I would have preferred. I've felt very very alone apart from MN.

It has definitely surprised me just how lonely miscarriage is.

Ive also been surprised at just how rubbish the NHS is at dealing with something that occurs very regularly but is disproportionately devastating for those involved.

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