Now what?

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

I started miscarrying on Tuesday night. I had red blood when I wiped. Saw my GP on Wednesday who did an internal exam and said it didn't look like anything serious but in the very early hours of Thursday morning I had to go to A&E with heavy bleeding and severe pain. Eventually transferred to EPU who did another, more thorough internal exam by which time my cervix had opened and the miscarriage was in fall swing, confirmed later that day by scan. I've passed the sac and DP and I buried it in the woods near us in a nice quiet area this afternoon. Now I just have a follow-up scan next week to confirm that everything has passed but it is pretty much over.

Now I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to return to everyday normal life. I'm self-employed and I need to get back to working next week although I will take it easy on myself. I don't want to wallow but I feel like I'm keeping myself constantly distracted so I don't have to process the emotional side. Every now and then it breaks through and I get upset then I push it aside. I've never been the most openly emotional person but I'm just scared that if I don't let myself grieve I can't fully heal.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm drifting about the house not getting back to normal but also not letting myself process anything.

[Loki17]

I'm crap at being open with my feelings too but the best thing you can do for yourself is to let yourself feel. over the last two weeks I have never cried as much. But I've laughed too. You must let yourself grieve. Try joining the miscarriage support association forum or take a look at Saying Goodbye. Keep talking on here if it helps x

[redstrawberries101]

Oh insufficiently I feel your pain. Just like you im struggling. I took the tablets on Tuesday and passed most of it, scan on wed morn still showed two clots which they tried to remove via internal exam. Very painful. They still think there is a bit more so I have a scan booked on Wednesday coming.

I was discharged from Hosp on thurs night and have come to my mums to stay. I don't feel like crying all the time but I do get random waves of sadness. I'm spending most of my time either sleeping or browsing on here. I desperately want to talk to people in the same boat. I'm taking next week off work and possibly the week after as I'm also recovering from the urinary sepsis. This is totally unlike me as i rarely take time off work even when I need it. I cried so much when leaving the Hosp as I felt I was leaving my little baby there and it was the end of the journey. I feel ok-ish just now with random sad moments but like you I don't want to get back to normal life. I don't feel like going to work and 'carrying on'. I don't know how I'm going to manage when I leave my mums and go back home to the usual everyday tasks cooking cleaning, work, socialising etc.

I'm trying not to think about it and just take one day at a time. Sometimes i want to start trying again straight away and other times I feel I need a few months. It's just so hard. I really thought I was leaving the danger zone as the scan which revealed the missed miscarriage was when I was 11 weeks 6 days. And the scan was for my kidneys so it just came as a big shock.

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

Thanks to both of you for replying. Awful that we were all in the July thread but now instead we're here.

Melvali I know what you mean about wanting to talk to people in the same boat. I suppose that's why I'm here. I only have DP here. One friend knew but she has a 1 week old baby so I can't really talk to her about it right now. Haven't seen my mother in 20 years (she left when I was 10) and my gran is lovely but not good at emotional support. I will check out the Miscarriage Association, thanks for the suggestion Loki.

DP goes back to work on Monday and I'm dreading that when I'm left alone the pain will all come flooding out

[YouBastardSockBalls]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[RoTo72]

Hi. I was on July thread too. (tho found out ba was due June). So sorry we're all here.

[redstrawberries101]

Aw so sorry to hear that incaffeinated, must be tough without anyone to talk to but I'll be here if you do feel like talking although I have my mum she can sometimes go on a bit when I want to close the topic and I don't want to drive DH mad although he has been very supportive. It's little things like putting my hand on my belly and feeling close to the baby and then I remember and just feel empty

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

Thanks sockballs. At least your name made me smile

ro I'm sorry you have to be here too

Thanks melvali, likewise if you (or anybody here) wants to talk to somebody also going through this feel free to vent here or PM me.

I keep putting my hand on my belly because of the pain but then I think last week I was doing it because there was a baby in there and I was excited about it, now I'm doing it because there isn't and it hurts. I had a precious secret I couldn't wait to share and now I have a private pain few people know about

[redstrawberries101]

I can relate to that 100%

Trying to take it a day at a time and look forward to trying again

[redstrawberries101]

Will you guys be trying again? If so how long will you wait?

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

I definitely will be and as soon as I can. I want to wait until after my first proper period for dating and also closure.

I suppose the one good thing to come from all of this for me is that despite my pregnancy being planned and very much wanted, as soon as I became pregnant I was incredibly anxious about my abilities as a mother. I was also constantly worried I would miscarry, especially because despite my dr promising I would be monitored because of my thyroid, I was actually left on my own and never offered a consultant or further TSH tests.

Now that the worst has happened, I can look back and know that I am surviving it somehow and also that none of the worrying prevented it (or caused it either). I also know absolutely that I do want a child and a little family with my lovely DP. I know we'll love a child and give it a wonderful home.

I am anxious that this could happen again and I don't know if I can endure it twice but I have to have faith that this is an unfortunate incident and I have every chance of getting pregnant again and bringing a healthy baby home.

[redstrawberries101]

Your post was very uplifting incaffeinated good on you for being strong. You are right, no amount of worrying changes the outcome. I can see myself not telling anyone in RL apart from DH though next time

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

I only told one other person as well as DP and she had a baby just over a week ago so haven't told her about the mc. One the one hand I can see the point in telling few people in case it goes wrong but now I just feel like nobody knows I was ever pregnant and what I'm going through now. Although I'm not really sure who extra I would have told anyway. Must build up more IRL networks.

DP is back to work tomorrow so that will be a big one to get through. I don't want to be alone. He doesn't really get it. I know he's only trying to help me be positive by saying it'll be OK and I can get through the day but I just want him to listen to my fears and be supportive.

[Loki17]

We didn't really tell anyone I was pregnant but I have now. I told my line manager to tell people at work if they ask. My work can be a very gossipy place. People will ask me why I was off and I'd sooner they know so that they can be sensitive and I don't have to try and think of a cover story. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about what has happened, and whilst I would not make an announcement, I'm not going to lie either. I'm damaged enough without trying to pretend it didn't happen. People have surprised me to be honest, they have been very supportive and kind. Hope you are both as ok as you can be xx

[redstrawberries101]

Bless you both

I had told my mum and auntie (whom I'm very close to) and Mil. Also 3 of my best friends when we got to 8 week mark. When I was in hospital and we got the bad news my extended family and rest of The inlaws found out too. DH and I were really excited and spoke about the baby a lot between ourselves and started making plans (like we would need a new car, and a lot of tidying up in the house etc). I used to read the app everyday and share with him the preg updates. I got a BFP even before my period was due even though it was first cycle and I thought I had missed the fertility window. I had all the classic symptoms. Each day I would count down.

Next time though, I don't know if I'll manage to even tell DH (i'm sure I will) but I imagine myself to bury my head in the sand until 12 week scan.

I suppose there is a balance between the two.

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

Midwife support worker just called to see how I got on after my scan (booking appointment was on day I started misscarrying) and she's so blunt. Not rude but not exactly comforting either. Just said she'll take me off the books. Given me a bit of a wobble this morning

Mostly just spending the day lurking on MN to pass the hours. First day alone since it started

[Loki17]

I'm not surprised you have wobbled. She sounds horrible. The sonographer I had on the 28th was like that. It's a reflection on her though, not on you and your loss. Have you thought about doing something in order to mark what has happened? Usually, when someone died we have a funeral. With miscarriage that isn't the way it is done. It can leave you feeling a bit lost. I know that is how I felt. Even though I only miscarried on Saturday, because we found out earlier I am actually almost 3 weeks into this process. I feel very different know to how I did in the first week. Writing to the baby helped, as did burying the baby (which I know you did too). Buying my necklace helped. I've also bought a 'name your own' teddy bear to pit the pregnancy tests and scan photos inside. DHS idea, he wants something to hold. I've bought a teddy that doesn't need sewing so we can remove those things at a later time if we want too, once it has served it's purpose. We've told no one about what we have done in rl to commemorate our baby. It is just for us and it is helping. I'm here to chat if you need it

[Loki17]

that should say 'make your own' not 'name your own'^

[InsufficientlyCaffeinated]

Thanks Loki. I don't really know what to do to mark it yet. I was using the Ovia app and that week I changed to to fun things (it was on fruit but it said the size was a prune which I didn't like!) and it said the baby was the size of a lego figure which DP and I really liked so we'd been calling it lego baby all week. DP still has his childhood lego which he was looking forward to giving to our child one day so I was thinking of maybe getting a custom figure made perhaps. I am going to go and sit by the tree where we buried the baby one day soon but I don't feel strong enough just yet and when I do I'd like to have some coherent thoughts together to mark it

[Loki17]

The Lego figure is a lovely idea. I used a website called 'someone remembered' for my necklace. I went with a January birth stone as the baby arrived in January. I'm sure there must be lego keepsakes too. I'm sure a saw a silver lego charm for a Pandora style bracelet when I was looking for an unusual charm for my SIL before Christmas. You need to give yourself time. When we first found out, we contacted the miscarriage association and they said that many people choose to bury baby in a planter and my dh was absolutely horrified. By the time it happened he felt very different and for the last two nights has spent some time tending our plant and talking to it. Give yourself as much time as you need in order to clear your thoughts. The sad truth is that no one can prepare you for this so you have got to take each day as it comes xx