Husband doesnt want another child after mc

[crazychickenlady]

Hi all,

I'm currently going through a miscarriage (was 5 weeks) and already feel the desire to have another baby but my husband is adamant that he doesn't want another.

Background - our first son was born 18 weeks premature and only lived for 2 hours, we have a 12 year old daughter who was born 12 weeks premature but has no long term health issues and a 6 year old son who was 5 weeks premature.

This latest pregnancy was not planned and I was on the pill but I was delighted as soon as I suspected I could be pregnant. I hadn't told my husband yet when I started to bleed so he had to deal with an unexpected pregnancy and a miscarriage at the same time. He keeps telling me he didn't want another baby (which is not what I want to hear right now) and that he will never want another baby but I desperately do! Not sure how to deal with this, any advice?

[MerdeAlor]

The desire to be immediately pregnant again is a frequent one OP.

Don't think too far ahead at the moment. Allow yourself to grieve for this pregnancy, let your body heal and the hormones settle then come back to the discussion with your husband.
Now when you're going through pain and grief it isn't the right time to be having this conversation.

[eastegg]

Hi, I'm really sorry about your MC and your previous loss,how awful.

I don't have answers, just wanted to say I'm experiencing something similar, having lost a baby at 16 weeks in August. We have 2 children and DH doesn't want another. I had hopes we might try again but they were dashed in a conversation we had just before Christmas. January is horrendous, much worse than expected, I was supposed to be having a baby this month and I'm not.

As merde says, it's early days, this is a conversation you can come back to. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I have to say I feel some pressure as I'm coming up to 42. You can't change his mind but he might change it himself given a little time. I don't know what else to say as I haven't figured out any answers yet. I'm trying not to let it undermine the relationship by understanding his POV, which is a valid one given the risks of further heartbreak/ upheaval etc of another pregnancy. Keep talking and listening, which is easy advice to give but not so easy to take!

It's hard when you go on the pregnancy loss threads and there are lots of couples obviously united in grief and the desire to try again,when you don't have that you can feel so alone. I'm so sorry x

[crazychickenlady]

Thank you for your replies.

I know I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to be making any decisions about the future or other babies just now but sometimes your heart and your head just aren't in synch. When we lost our first son, I was pregnant 6 weeks later....in hindsight I now know that getting pregnant so quickly was a coping mechanism for me because I didn't know how to deal with the death of my baby but I ended up with a beautiful little girl and I don't regret my decision to get pregnant again straightaway!

I'll be 30 in a couple of months and while I know that's not old, I really struggled when ttc my youngest son....took over 3 years to fall pregnant....so if we did decide to try again, I'd rather it was sooner than later.

I do understand my husbands point of view and I know it's not fair to have a baby if he really doesn't want to but I feel he isn't looking at it from my side of things. I also take all of the responsibility with the children we have just now, school runs for my eldest, help with homework, etc, I home educate our youngest, I take them to and from all of their activities and clubs. I do all of the cleaning, cooking, housework etc so I feel like the additional burdens of another child would all be on me anyway, if I'm happy to have the additional work surely that's up to me?! I know I'm probably being selfish and the hormone mess I'm in just now doesn't help x

[MerdeAlor]

But it's not just your decision, its a decision for you both to make.

Your emotions are so strong at the moment, let them settle for you both and then revisit it. This isn't something necessarily decided in one conversation either, it could take some time, especially if you both have conflicting desires.

[crazychickenlady]

Thank you MerdeAlor....I do understand it is a joint decision, I will discuss this more with my husband at some point when things have calmed down. I'm just feeling like life is unfair today

[MerdeAlor]

It is unfair, miscarriage is so awful, lonely and painful. My sympathies.

[ayria]

I'm so sorry for your losses

I had a miscarriage Christmas Eve at 10 weeks. I felt incredibly empty, angry and upset straight away. I was meant to be pregnant but it didn't happen. My 12 week scan should have been this week. We did speak about trying again but my partner just said no, not until after my due date or even next year. I was angry about that as I felt an over whelming urge to be pregnant now like I was meant to be. We were going to have a baby anyway, so why? Our baby wasn't meant to be born in July, our baby was born in December. I wont ever replace my baby I lost but it's hard when you have these hopes, thoughts about the future and the bubbling love then it's all taken away. I don't think the men understand the way pregnancy changes a woman. Like that Juno quote 'A woman is a mother when she gets pregnant, a man is a father when he holds his baby'.

It's been 2 weeks now and I've slightly calmed down. I know I need to give myself some space now to let myself breath. My emotions have been all over the place. I was scared that it wont ever happen again. We spoke again about trying for another and he did actually agree that we do need to take some time, but it will happen when, and if, it happens which I am okay with now. I think I just needed to know that he would be willing to try when I felt ready, when we both do. I do kind of regret talking about another a week after, but it's your head when your heart is aching. If we have another I would be happy, but I didn't think I would have any more so I also think that if it just doesn't happen, I will go back to how I thought things would be before, just with an angel baby in my heart.

Your head is still all over the place. You need to grieve for what you've lost, then you can start getting back a normal position to start making decisions. Let the air linger for a little while. You might think differently or he might think differently.

[crazychickenlady]

Thanks for your reply ayria.

I'm sorry for your loss....its so tough especially around the festive period when you feel you have to put a brave face on for everyone else!

I'm glad you've managed to talk things through with your OH. I'm just not sure that I can leave it though....I know I'm lucky to already have 2 wonderful children but my heart wants another. Even before this mc I wanted to ttc but this has just made the desire even greater and I fear that it will lead to problems in my relationship with my husband if we have such different views. I don't see how we can resolve this without one of us resenting the other - me resenting him because I desperately want a child and he wouldn't agree or him resenting me for agreeing to have a child that he didn't really want!

I will take some time to let my body recover from this mc and my emotions settle before I discuss the situation again with him....its only been 3 days after all

[ScottishInSwitzerland]

Hi crazy chicken lady. I am in a similar position. I fell pregnant unexpectedly in October last year. I was upset at first mainly because my two girls were born at 30 and 31 weeks, and I was afraid of that happening again.

My husband was also shocked and worried.

But we got over that. Spoke about names. Made plans.

Then I miscarried on 16 December.

My husband really doesn't want a third child for all sorts of reasons, and most of them I totally agree with. But I don't think I am feeling particularly rational at the moment. Having a baby isn't really a rational thing is it.

I am already feeling a little better. I am still incredibly sad that this hole in me won't be filled and that i won't get the baby I dreamed of. But I am not completely consumed by it like I was in the week or so immediately following the loss. I definitely think that for me hormones contributed to my desperation to conceive immediately.

Still want a baby though!

[crazychickenlady]

Hi ScootishinSwitzerland, thanks for your reply.

My first 3 were born prematurely too (22 weeks, 28 weeks and 35 weeks). It's a horrible experience but by the time I had my youngest I found a really great doctor who put me on progesterone pessaries from 12 weeks and internally scanned me to check the length of my cervix every week ...I absolutely contribute my record length pregnancy to her care, the only reason my son was born early at all was because my waters spontaneously broke at 31 weeks and he stopped growing then and so the decision was made to induce at 35 weeks. There is definately hope after premature births!

I know what you mean about the hormone fug that surrounds you immediately after a mc - I'm already starting to feel a bit calmer about conceiving straight away but yes, I still want a baby and I think I will regardless of how much time passes. How do we explain that feeling to our other half though? My husband wasn't the driving force behind having any of ours, I always felt he kind of went along with the idea but once u was actually pregnant and when the babies were born, he was delighted!

[crazychickenlady]

I don't know how to edit my reply but my autocorrect has really annoyed me.....I meant ScottishinSwitzerland!

[ScottishInSwitzerland]

No worries. Scootish sounds a bit like Scottish in a Scottish accent
Hope you're doing ok.