Miscarriage at 6 weeks

[shopaholic85]

I lost my baby at 6 weeks yesterday. I went to hospital at lunchtime and by 5pm the miscarriage had 'completed'. So though it was painful, it was fairly quick.

I think I was in shock, so went into a kind of auto-pilot last night when I came home and thought I was coping. But I have been up most of the night crying and finding it hard to deal with a few things (TMI warning):

• I was clotting during the miscarriage and there were one or two large clots/ pieces of tissue. Was one of them by baby? If so, it means I flushed it down the toilet without saying goodbye. I think I would like to have buried the remains, but no one prepare you for what comes out.
  
• I didn't get to find out whether my baby was a boy or a girl. And I will never know.
  
• I am worried that other people won't understand how I feel because the baby was only 6 weeks. Maybe they are right? Maybe it's too early to grieve?
  

Please tell me how I am feeling is normal and that it gets better.

[GreenGoblin0]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks last week. confirmed by doctor today. it is never to early to grieve the loss of a baby x

[shopaholic85]

Thank you Green. I'm sorry for your loss too. I hope you are okay x

[RoTo72]

It's never too early to grieve. Id a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks, baby measured 6 and it almost finished me off. That was 6 weeks ago and its still hard. Sorry for both ur losses

[GalwayGal123]

Ho, I'm sorry for your loss.
I also had a miscarriage yesterday at 6 weeks. I passed a little yellowy blob that I looked at briefly and then immediately flushed, and later realised it must have been the sac. I feel so guilty that I just flushed it away without saying goodbye too.
I'm still having pain and bleeding today, and am back to hospital tomorrow for a blood test to make sure my hormone levels are going down.
I felt like I was on autopilot too yesterday, in shock and just numb, it hit me later in the evening and I was up through the night crying and have had my mum over today for a good sob.
I am trying to console myself with what the nurses told me yesterday...that this is quite common, one in four pregnancies don't make it, that it happened for a reason that was beyond my control, that it wasn't my fault.
I've taken the rest of the week off work, I hope you give yourself time and have someone to look after you Xx

[shopaholic85]

I'm so sorry for both your losses.

GalwayGal I could have written that and understand exactly how you must be feeling. I am glad you have your mum there and have found some consolation in the statistics.

I was in such a state at my GPs surgery today he has signed me off work for a week. I want to talk to my husband tonight about buying a plant in memory of our baby. I want an indoor plant - something that I can take with me whenever I move, that I can take care of and watch grow. Does that sound like a silly idea?

[GreenGoblin0]

that sounds like a lovely idea.

[GreenGoblin0]

Galway sorry for your loss and please try not to feel guilty about flushing. I've taken the week off sick too. try to get some rest.

[GalwayGal123]

That sounds beautiful, you should do whatever gives you comfort. The lovely nurse yesterday told me to spend the next few days and weeks just doing and feeling whatever I wanted and not listening to anyone else's opinions on how I should or shouldn't think/react/feel...she said 'your way is the right way' so I would pass that advice on to us all.
Thinking of you too Green and sorry for your loss. We need to be kind to ourselves. Xx

[shopaholic85]

Thank you both. The idea of buying a plant is the only thing that has given me comfort, so I am going to do it.

Galway, that's lovely advice. I'm going to stop worrying about how I should feel as that really isn't helping.

[ayria]

I'm so sorry for your loss You can grieve no matter how old a baby was. You've still lost a baby. They will always be with you and a part of you.

I lost my baby at 10 weeks at Christmas and knew instantly what was happening. I knew the one thing I wanted to do was catch what came out. I inspected it all making sure not to miss anything although my hands were shaking and I was scared. But it was really obvious when I lost my baby. I was expecting to see a bubble shape but no. I held my baby in my hand.

Your idea of planting something is what I was going to suggest. We buried our baby in a big planter with flowers. They're indoor plants and we're moving so we didn't like the idea of burying outside. It was too soon to say goodbye no matter what time we buried our baby. We gave him or her a unisex name as we also don't know the sex. It means 'at peace' and 'rebirth'. It hurts. I wish I could refer to our baby as he or she.

You could also bury something of yours and say something then plant flowers to remember them by. It might help you to let your baby know you'll remember them forever. Write a letter for your baby to bury to get your words out. I want to do that at some point, just wanted to wait until I somewhat had my head straight from the shock.

My sister went to the hospital with all of hers so she never had anything to bury but she says she still remembers all of the dates. My other sister also lost a baby at 6 weeks, but let it go, so she doesn't have anything either. I was told to appreciate that I had my baby to bury and move on but that doesn't help. I'm still hurting. I still lost my baby. I saw my baby with everything. Not everyone has their baby to bury but it doesn't mean that they would have loved their baby any less.

People can be dismissive with early miscarriages. If they've been through it they may understand but still some can say 'get over it' too soon just because they might have. But, like with births, miscarriage experiences can be different also. It's really early for you right now. You need to grieve for what you've lost. Cry if you want. Don't listen to anyone that thinks you should be fine, it's not fair. They haven't seen what you've seen.

I cried everyday for over a week. If I'm left to think about it now, I'll cry. I miss what I lost and what could have been. I can't have my baby back but I know I will carry my baby with me everywhere, everyday.

[shopaholic85]

ayria I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such honest and beautiful words. It took all my strength not to cry reading your post. I think I will name my baby now. It doesn't seem right somehow to not have a name when he/she had a heartbeat.

I'm not religious, but my mum and sister are. They have both said that my baby's soul has gone straight to heaven and the body I flushed was just a vessel. Even though I don't really believe anymore, I like thinking that my baby is somewhere like heaven.

[ayria]

I'm not religious either but at times of loss, losing my aunt, nan and now my baby, I find it comforting to know they're in safe hands in a way. I like to believe that they are always looking down and are in the presence of other relatives. My sister told me our aunt is looking after all of our lost babies which I like, she loved kids. It's our job to carry their memories with us now.

I'm sorry if I made you cry. I could scream in anger about it, but that wont do me any good. You need to grieve, accept, come to terms with it and live knowing it will be a part of you always.

[shopaholic85]

Don't apologise! It is good that I have some control over crying. I wasn't able to stop crying this morning, so that's progress.

I am taking comfort in imagining my baby being looked after somewhere by my grandmother, who was a wonderful woman.

Thinking of you all tonight and wishing you a peaceful sleep.

[Orange1969]

So sorry

Before miscarrying myself, I had no idea what heartbreaking it is.

I think I accidentally flushed my baby down the loo as well :( I think it's hard to avoid in a lot of cases.

[shopaholic85]

I'm sorry for your loss Orange Heartbroken is exactly how I feel.

Did anyone manage to get any sleep last night? I'm struggling

[Orange1969]

The following is a bit sensitive

One thing that bothers me is that my fourth miscarried baby was very obviously terribly deformed, going from the scan and what the Drs said.

It was tested and turned out to have a really devastating chromosome disorder. As this particular genetic mutation is so rare, it prompted great interest amongst experts in the field of genetics. I gave my permission for the baby to be given to the scientists to use for their research.

For a long time, I felt guilty about this and found it hard to feel glad that it might benefit research.

Also, I didn't ask the baby's gender and sometimes I wonder if I should have.

I, of course, Googled similar disorders and the images of these poor babies were horrifying. Beyond anything my darkest nightmares could describe.

After this, I felt a very distressing sense of shock and revulsion that my body could have produced something so unspeakable. So, my grief was made even more painful,

[shopaholic85]

Oh, I'm so, so sorry Orange for losses. I can't really imagine what you've had to endure. I don't really know what to say, except thank you for sharing your story. Stay strong and don't lose hope xx

[Orange1969]

Thanks Shop.

I'm glad to say that pregnancy no. 5 was successful and the result is now 13 years old :)

[shopaholic85]

I am glad it ended happily for you, though I am sure it must still be hard losing so many babies.

I spoke to my husband about trying again as soon as the bleeding stops. It's the only thing keeping me going at the moment.

[GalwayGal123]

How are you feeling shop?
I'm still bleeding and cramping...my emotions are up and down.
I feel like I don't want to tell many people as it's very private, and then I feel like I should tell people so they know what I'm going through and support me because I'm feeling a bit lonely. Does that make sense?
How are things for you? Did you buy your plant?

[shopaholic85]

Hi Galway. It's good to hear from you. I am coping. That's the only way I can describe it. Been up and down too. I am sorry that you are still bleeding and cramping. I have what feels like a very light period today, so I guess I am lucky in that sense.

I had already told quite a few people about the pregnancy, which I regretted when it happened but I am glad I did now. The messages of support from family and friends have stopped me sinking. A few of the girls at work know and I have received some very kind messages of support. It's a very personal thing but I want people to know, because I feel that it's something people don't talk about and I feel like it's any other bereavement.

The hardest thing has been not being with my husband as he is away for work, so we have only been speaking on the phone. I am seeing him tomorrow and we are going to buy the plant at the weekend. It's my birthday this weekend too, so it feels really bittersweet.

[Orange1969]

Galway - I know what you mean about telling people.

Everyone knew I was pregnant with my first loss and some comments, whilst well meant, could be hurtful.

[Orange1969]

Shop - it was very hard. I can look back now and not feel sad, but it was dreadful at the time. The only good thing was that it taught me never to ask anyone if they had children or were planning to have any / you just never know what they might be dealing with.

[Sometimesithinkimbonkers]

Orange..... I just wanted to say "thank you"!!!
My DS 6 has a rare gene mutation and because of wonderful and courageous mums like you he has finally after 6 years been diagnosed!
Research is so very important to give mums like me answers to our children's disabilities!

[Dixie16]

Hi shopaholic85. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby at 6 weeks on Sunday and had it confirmed by a scan yesterday. Whilst 6 weeks to most people may seem like very early days, to me it was 6 weeks of the most incredible emotional and physical changes I have ever experienced. Although my partner and I had not planned on getting pregnant so soon I became so very attached to my little one growing inside, I was instantly fiercely protective and seeing it's little heart beat flickering away on my first scan when it was just 6mm in size was the most amazing thing ever... And then in comparison 5 days later in my second scan to get told I'm sorry there's nothing there anymore was the most heartbreaking thing...

I'm still passing blood now and still have painful cramps - a constant reminder of the life I was carrying up until two days ago. I don't know if I saw my little one in amongst the blood and tissue I passed yesterday - I saw something more than blood so maybe that was him or her? I can not be sure. I'll never get rid of that image in my head. It all seems so sad and pathetic. For 6 weeks I felt it grow, I felt my body change and for what? For this to happen. I feel a whole mixture of emotions, sad then numb then angry then resentful... I just want my baby back.